Buzzword Matrix
-
Sometimes, just nothing will work. Nobody will know why. But then what they'll know is, that *you* are responsible when anything goes down. Now, here's an idea how you could tackle a situation like that. Just use the Buzzword Matrix. It's real simple. Have a look at it, first:
COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
- integrated 0. management 0. options
- heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
- systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
- parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
- functional 4. digital 4. programming
- responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
- optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
- synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
- compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
- futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, if someone asks why the servers went down the last night, blame it on 066. I mean, say that it's all because of "Integrated transitional time-phase". Nobody will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about. Similarly, you can use any random number while giving a presentation or often use these numbers while answering queries from your manager. May be, you could just add up replies stating scenarios where you could best use this matrix. I know it's old, but I thought it's worth repeating, at least in our new Buzzword hall of shame forum. :)
-
Sometimes, just nothing will work. Nobody will know why. But then what they'll know is, that *you* are responsible when anything goes down. Now, here's an idea how you could tackle a situation like that. Just use the Buzzword Matrix. It's real simple. Have a look at it, first:
COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
- integrated 0. management 0. options
- heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
- systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
- parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
- functional 4. digital 4. programming
- responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
- optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
- synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
- compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
- futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, if someone asks why the servers went down the last night, blame it on 066. I mean, say that it's all because of "Integrated transitional time-phase". Nobody will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about. Similarly, you can use any random number while giving a presentation or often use these numbers while answering queries from your manager. May be, you could just add up replies stating scenarios where you could best use this matrix. I know it's old, but I thought it's worth repeating, at least in our new Buzzword hall of shame forum. :)
Next time I'll blame it on 698 and tell the manager to ask the hardware gurus. The software part is helpless, as long as the optional policy hardware lacks synchronized incremental flexibility. :-D
_____________________________________________________ This statement is false.
-
Sometimes, just nothing will work. Nobody will know why. But then what they'll know is, that *you* are responsible when anything goes down. Now, here's an idea how you could tackle a situation like that. Just use the Buzzword Matrix. It's real simple. Have a look at it, first:
COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
- integrated 0. management 0. options
- heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
- systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
- parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
- functional 4. digital 4. programming
- responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
- optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
- synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
- compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
- futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, if someone asks why the servers went down the last night, blame it on 066. I mean, say that it's all because of "Integrated transitional time-phase". Nobody will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about. Similarly, you can use any random number while giving a presentation or often use these numbers while answering queries from your manager. May be, you could just add up replies stating scenarios where you could best use this matrix. I know it's old, but I thought it's worth repeating, at least in our new Buzzword hall of shame forum. :)
Last time I saw this, I made an automated version: Clickety[^]
-- Help me! I'm turning into a grapefruit! Buzzwords!
-
Last time I saw this, I made an automated version: Clickety[^]
-- Help me! I'm turning into a grapefruit! Buzzwords!
benjymous wrote:
Last time I saw this, I made an automated version:
Your automated version lacks Balanced Transitional Capability.
-
Sometimes, just nothing will work. Nobody will know why. But then what they'll know is, that *you* are responsible when anything goes down. Now, here's an idea how you could tackle a situation like that. Just use the Buzzword Matrix. It's real simple. Have a look at it, first:
COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
- integrated 0. management 0. options
- heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
- systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
- parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
- functional 4. digital 4. programming
- responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
- optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
- synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
- compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
- futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, if someone asks why the servers went down the last night, blame it on 066. I mean, say that it's all because of "Integrated transitional time-phase". Nobody will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about. Similarly, you can use any random number while giving a presentation or often use these numbers while answering queries from your manager. May be, you could just add up replies stating scenarios where you could best use this matrix. I know it's old, but I thought it's worth repeating, at least in our new Buzzword hall of shame forum. :)
excellent matrix - should have taken the blue pill! this reminds me of an incident at a large unnamed insurance company some years ago - the small healthcare company was bought out by a huge healthcare company [and by healthcare i mean "insurance"] and the chariman and ceo scheduled a live town-hall video conference for all employees. attandance was mandatory all questions submitted in writing in advance as a contractor, obviously i didn't give a rip about whatever hogwash was going to be slopped about, but i had to attend like a good little lemming much to my surprise, a co-worker gave us all Bingo cards covered in random market-speak words [similar to your buzzword matrix, but with meaningless marketing buzzwords instead of technodrivel] we paid close attention to what the chairman said, and we all had our Bingo cards filled within the first three minutes of the opening remarks! The chairman droned on in that manner for fifteen or twenty minutes (i think i fell asleep for part of it so i'm not sure) and in the end said "well now i only have time for 2 questions" which of course were carefully-selected softballs the hardest part of that meeting was (a) not laughing and (b) not shouting "Bingo!"
Best regards, Steven A. Lowe CEO, Innovator LLC www.nov8r.com