ON THE INEFFICIENCY OF BEAUTY CONTESTS
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Following a quip about "the face which sank a thousand ships," this was was brought to my attention: ON THE INEFFICIENCY OF BEAUTY CONTESTS, & A SUGGESTION FOR THEIR MODERNIZATION[^]
Rather than the subjective, whimsical evaluations that so often lead to dud Symbols of American Womanhood, (1) the modern beauty pageant should take a hint from the Ancient Greeks and that straightforward measure of feminine pulchritude represented by Helen of Troy, daughter of Zeus and Leda, whose face ". . . launched a thousand ships, and burnt the topless towers of Ilium." (2) Here we have a useful, dispassionate, scientific measure of beauty: a "helen." One helen is sufficient good looks to launch one thousand ships, and to cause the destruction by fire of an entire city. The objective standards of Ship Launching and Arson may now be used to analyze feminine beauty. SHIP LAUNCHING ... If ships launched were the sole measure of beauty, Eleanor Roosevelt and Mamie Eisenhower would emerge, without peer, as the most desirable of women. Marilyn Monroe would not even be in the running. The pyromaniacal inclinations of the toothsome Mamie and Eleanor were, however, imperceptible. They didn't even smoke. ...