George W Bush: How to Eat a Pretzel

[Chris Maunder]

In retaliation to the use of 'Freedom' instead of 'french' when describing fries, some French protestors are putting together a large shipment of pretzels to be sent to George W. In case you've forgotten G.W. had a bad experience while eating a pretzel, and this little gem was soon found floating around in-trays. So for your amusement I present: "PRETZEL EATING IN SAFETY AND COMFORT" A Guide for the Dangerously Stupid Congratulations on purchasing a bag of "Mr Salty" Pretzels. Correctly used, these salty snacks should provide minutes of healthy enjoyment, however, in order to derive optimum pleasure, and minimal injury, we do recommend that the following procedure is studied and followed. YOU WILL NEED 1 x comfortable chair 1 x bag of pretzels (contents approximately 24 pretzels) 1 x television receiving equipment, tuned to the sporting event of your choice Up to 3 dogs - cats or other pets are NOT RECOMMENDED and could be DANGEROUS STEP 1. OPENING THE BAG This is a relatively simple procedure, but care needs to be taken nonetheless, so follow the steps carefully. 1. Take hold of the TOP of the bag at EITHER SIDE between FOREFINGER AND THUMB, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the surprisingly sharp plastic edges. 2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm motion. 3. If you SHOULD LOSE YOUR GRIP on the bag, take extreme care not to smack yourself in the face with your flailing hand as this can result in OBVIOUS BRUISING. Instead, you are advised to throw yourself into the safe haven of the COMFORTABLE CHAIR until the hand-danger is passed. On NO ACCOUNT throw yourself into the safe haven of THE FLOOR, THE TELEVISION, THE DOGS, THE WINDOW, THE OVEN, THE LIGHTFITTINGS or THE ROTATING BLADES OF A NEARBY HELICOPTER as severe injury and embarrassment may result. If you have an open bag of pretzels before you, you may now proceed to step 2. Otherwise, simply repeat step 1 until full openness is achieved. STEP 2. REMOVING PRETZEL FROM BAG 1. Set the bag upon your lap, making sure it is reasonably stable. 2. GENTLY insert one hand into the bag. IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO WITHDRAW EYES FROM TELEVISION IN ORDER TO ACCOMPLISH THIS SAFELY. You may prefer to wait until a commercial break or other interval in the action. You should also ensure that you are not over-excited by the sporting events in progress before attempting this manoeuvre. 3. CLOSE YOUR FINGER AND THUMB over a single pretzel. DO NOT attempt to select MULTIPLE PRETZ

[Mike Gaskey]

I certainly hope they're buying American made pretzels. Reminds me of a similar US campaign back when I was in my early 20's. It was called "nuts to DeGaulle". The idea here was buy a bag of nuts then ship to DeGaulle. Mike

[Anna Jayne Metcalfe]

Sadly, once this concise statement of instructions have been through the relevant marketing department, it will invariably be condensed to: Warning: May contain Nuts. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Anna :rose: Homepage | My life in tears

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[Marc Clifton]

Chris Maunder wrote: 4. FINGERS CANNOT GRASP PRETZEL - Bag is ... empty Alas, this problem has occurred to me many times, especially while driving 80 MPH down a two lane highway passing 3 18 wheeler trucks while checking for The Fuzz lurking nefariously behind oncoming shrubs. Marc Help! I'm an AI running around in someone's f*cked up universe simulator.
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