News from the FAA
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Subject: New FAA Regulations
New FAA Regulations
WASHINGTON, D.C.-
The FAA is set to unleash a firestorm of criticism early next week when
it issues a directive to airlines calling for "close, hands-on
inspection" of all women with large breasts who are checking in for flights.
The agency had considered this step for some time, as is quite easy to
conceal large amounts of C-4 inside a brassiere, but after last month's
incident when a terrorist concealed explosives inside his shoes, the FAA
feels it has no choice but to proceed.
Tests have shown that a 42D bra can easily contain sufficient explosives
to fatally damage a 747. And many bras, especially the very popular
Wonderbra, have wire harnesses built in which can easily be adapted to a
detonation mechanism.
"The problem is not the size of the mammaries! , per se, but to determine
if what is inside them is indeed, the real thing, so to speak. Breasts
have a certain feel, a certain consistency of texture, which is far
different from C-4, and about the only way you can determine if the real
thing, as it were, is to subject them to a vigorous pat-down and
squeeze," an agency spokesman said yesterday.
Critics, especially National Organization of Women (NOW), have been
quick to voice their opposition. "It's profiling, it's sexist, and it's
discriminatory," NOW's legal counsel reported. "And besides, it's not
the chest measurement, it's the CUP size that counts. Everyone knows a
32D is far more dangerous than a 38AA."
NOW is going to write to Atty General Ashcroft to demand that he
personally take a hands-on approach to developing standards for these
inspections. "As women, NOW recognizes the need for enhanced securit! y,
but come, on, this is a dangerous jiggling of our Constitutional rights."
NOW has stated that they will advise all their members to refuse to be
patted down and squeezed, rather they will suggest that their members
remove their blouses and bras at the check-in gate to prove that they
are not concealing any contraband. When told of this, the FAA spokesman
responded, "YEEECCCHHH! Have you ever seen these NOW ladies?"
Aside from increased airline safety, another positive from this new
directive is an expecting quintupling of the number of applicants of for
the position of security screeners at airports. Indeed, demand for
applications is so high that the government is considering lowering the
starting salary. Said Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta,
"Obviously,