Days that change your life forever...
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I am posting this because the people at CodeProject have been my best friends since I was in high school. Yesterday I had a day that changed my life forever, I found out my girlfriend was pregnant. I also found out she had been too scared to tell me for the last nine months. She is also a bigger girl and it wasn't unreasonble to assume she had just gained more weight. So as of last night I have a son. This should be a joyous occasion, I have a healthy son with no complications. But neither my girlfriend nor myself are ready for a baby. We are thinking about adoption, but my girlfriends mom is dead set against it. I have had no one to confide in since I found out yesterday. I am pretty sure I have a good idea of what a nervous breakdown is like. Thanks for listening Matt Newman
Even the very best tools in the hands of an idiot will produce something of little or no value. - Chris Meech on Idiots
-- modified at 15:03 Wednesday 22nd March, 2006Well, I won't even try to offer advice on the actual decision, I'll stick to the process. I will back all the comments about slow down and catch your breath. Nothing this big should be made in a hurry. That should have come sooner rather than later, but later it is, so hold the horses, pull up the charts and back up your decision with knowledge. I have no kids, and will have no kids, so listen to the other fathers here on advice with kids. I love kids, I'll be Uncle, I'll be the Friend, and maybe I will be the Step Father (or even adoptive father), but I'll be Santa Claus for the rest of my life -- I will not have children of my own. That is my choice and it was made carefully too. What ever decision you make, weigh it and discuss it (there are two of you involved) and actually examine it. Don't decide you can or cannot do something that you might be able to do, think about it and find out if you can. If you are going to school, look at the job market, be conservative (VERY conservative) on what you "might" be able to get as a job, what it means to the decision. If you have a job, do the same, but assume you won't get a better one and what that means to everything. And good luck! Just me, Jeff _________________________ Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau. Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice in the ceiling laugh. (Japanese Proverb)
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Well I think it's time to get past the "how she hid it stuff". As a father (starting at 25) and trying school and many other things during that time kids are a massive adjustment and that's if you *wanted* them. I'm now 31, have 3 kids and wouldn't trade it for the entire world. The nugget there is it gets better and better and better and better and better and better and better. But that's only if the mother is someone you love absolutely and will commit your life to (I know many here are divorced parents and it works out okay. I don't think any of you got married wanting to get a divorce later and Matt shouldn't either.) and you wanted to be a father. Those are two huge qualifiers and I don't think (it doesn't sound like) you meet either of them. So what do you do about it? Yeah, that's the crux of your question. What do you do? I won't blow sunshine off your butt and make this warm and fuzzy. If a nervous breakdown is all that happens here you got off easy.
- You decide to tie the knot with "Betty Dishonest" and you make a go at raising your son. The cons are obvious, the pros it's your son and you may never get another one. NEVER is a BIG WORD.
- You decide to offer up your son to a loving family and their are millions. The pros are obvious. The cons it's your son.
- You take a long hard look at life over the next 30 days. Don't make any decisions at all. Just take some time to think. After 30 days you meet with "Betty Dishonest" her mother and perhaps your family and you form a plan of action. This one is the hardest one as it's the most responsible thing to do and responsiblity carries like a mountain at times.
You are not in an easy situation at all but that can happen when Mr. and Mrs. Jone's get wiggly. I'd advise you change your habbits moving forward. There's more to life than sex and going without it until you are committed to a woman you totally love and you are ready to be a father isn't a bad idea. But we are getting a bit soapy here so I'll leave off with that. The only reason I mention it at all is that it would have spared you this current situation. Aside from that welcome to being an adult. It's a bitch at times and there's no escape from your own actions. All I can say is take good notes. You are sure to need them later in life. - Rex Statement: Signature Project Is Currently On Hold Reason: Dear God! It's a long signature Jim. Indeed but is it to long for Chuck Norris?
Yeah, I agree 100% with all of this. Christian Graus - Microsoft MVP - C++
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You should remember the fact that certain biological processes for a girl stop temporarily when she is pregnant. For that to go unnoticed for nine months is too hard to be believed. Smitha Every problem has a gift for you in its hands. -- Richard Bach
That depends, to a degree. My wifes period ( oops, was I the only one willing to use that word ? ) is irregular enough that it takes 3 months for her to even consider that she might be pregnant. So, if a girl is that irregular, and in denial, she may just consider herself on a lucky stretch :) Christian Graus - Microsoft MVP - C++
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Thanks for posting this. This is almost exactly what I wanted to post, and I've been thinking and debating how to best write this. Both you and code-frog beat me to it. ¡El diablo está en mis pantalones! ¡Mire, mire! Real Mentats use only 100% pure, unfooled around with Sapho Juice(tm)! SELECT * FROM User WHERE Clue > 0 0 rows returned Save an Orange - Use the VCF!
I have to admit, the only reason I didn't say something similar was because I thought he needs to decide what's right for him. Like I said, keeping the baby is what would be right for me, under any circumstances, pretty much ), but I feel a lot of people ( and I don't mean you by this ) can be in denial over the fact that parenthood is not what every person on the planet wants. But yeah, I discounted the 'I live from pay to pay' part, because I'm 37 and I've lived that way for most of my life ( although not in recent times, at last ). Christian Graus - Microsoft MVP - C++
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I am posting this because the people at CodeProject have been my best friends since I was in high school. Yesterday I had a day that changed my life forever, I found out my girlfriend was pregnant. I also found out she had been too scared to tell me for the last nine months. She is also a bigger girl and it wasn't unreasonble to assume she had just gained more weight. So as of last night I have a son. This should be a joyous occasion, I have a healthy son with no complications. But neither my girlfriend nor myself are ready for a baby. We are thinking about adoption, but my girlfriends mom is dead set against it. I have had no one to confide in since I found out yesterday. I am pretty sure I have a good idea of what a nervous breakdown is like. Thanks for listening Matt Newman
Even the very best tools in the hands of an idiot will produce something of little or no value. - Chris Meech on Idiots
-- modified at 15:03 Wednesday 22nd March, 2006Matt, it is time to run for the hills. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not marry this girl. Do convince her to give the baby up for adoption right away. Here's why. The fact that you only had sex once, and nine months ago at that, does not speak well of your relationship. The fact that she doesn't trust or love you enough to inform you she was pregnant does not bode well for the future of you, her, or the child. The fact that you weren't concerned because she is "a bigger girl" and you just assumed she'd gotten fatter does not reflect well on your feelings for her or your self-respect. The fact that she doesn't think enough of you to keep her weight under control while dating does not portend well. Sorry to be blunt, dude, but you're heading for disaster with the path you're on. Get control of your life now, before it's too late.
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I am posting this because the people at CodeProject have been my best friends since I was in high school. Yesterday I had a day that changed my life forever, I found out my girlfriend was pregnant. I also found out she had been too scared to tell me for the last nine months. She is also a bigger girl and it wasn't unreasonble to assume she had just gained more weight. So as of last night I have a son. This should be a joyous occasion, I have a healthy son with no complications. But neither my girlfriend nor myself are ready for a baby. We are thinking about adoption, but my girlfriends mom is dead set against it. I have had no one to confide in since I found out yesterday. I am pretty sure I have a good idea of what a nervous breakdown is like. Thanks for listening Matt Newman
Even the very best tools in the hands of an idiot will produce something of little or no value. - Chris Meech on Idiots
-- modified at 15:03 Wednesday 22nd March, 2006I must say CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I had my first baby 4 1/2 months ago and it has indeed changed my life. I love my new little girl and it has been an incredible experience. If I were you I wouldn't give him up for the world no matter how difficult the circumstances. There is never a perfect time to have a baby and if you have to make sacrafice to make it work then in the end that will be worth it. Life isn't easy and the little guy you just produced deserves your best efforts even if it's hard for you.
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Matt, it is time to run for the hills. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not marry this girl. Do convince her to give the baby up for adoption right away. Here's why. The fact that you only had sex once, and nine months ago at that, does not speak well of your relationship. The fact that she doesn't trust or love you enough to inform you she was pregnant does not bode well for the future of you, her, or the child. The fact that you weren't concerned because she is "a bigger girl" and you just assumed she'd gotten fatter does not reflect well on your feelings for her or your self-respect. The fact that she doesn't think enough of you to keep her weight under control while dating does not portend well. Sorry to be blunt, dude, but you're heading for disaster with the path you're on. Get control of your life now, before it's too late.
Ed Gadziemski wrote:
The fact that you only had sex once, and nine months ago at that, does not speak well of your relationship.
Yeah, in fact, if you think about it, there are other sinister possibilities too, but I don't want to say them lest I hurt Matt's feelings - because he still loves that girl. Regards, Nish
Nish’s thoughts on MFC, C++/CLI and .NET (my blog)
The Ultimate Grid - The #1 MFC grid out there! -
I am posting this because the people at CodeProject have been my best friends since I was in high school. Yesterday I had a day that changed my life forever, I found out my girlfriend was pregnant. I also found out she had been too scared to tell me for the last nine months. She is also a bigger girl and it wasn't unreasonble to assume she had just gained more weight. So as of last night I have a son. This should be a joyous occasion, I have a healthy son with no complications. But neither my girlfriend nor myself are ready for a baby. We are thinking about adoption, but my girlfriends mom is dead set against it. I have had no one to confide in since I found out yesterday. I am pretty sure I have a good idea of what a nervous breakdown is like. Thanks for listening Matt Newman
Even the very best tools in the hands of an idiot will produce something of little or no value. - Chris Meech on Idiots
-- modified at 15:03 Wednesday 22nd March, 2006Congratulations to your son! I am not sure whether congratulations are in order for you, or not. I cannot offer any advice as to what you should do, but I can offer you my sympathies with your situation. Regardless of the relationship you have with your girlfriend, a child is a gift. You can keep it for yourself (and gf?), or you can give it to someone else. A child is a human being with immeasurable potential that unravels day-by-day from the time they are born till the time they die. You can choose to experience their life, or to let someone else experience it for you. In either case, consider the wellbeing of the child first and foremost and your personal desires second. Good luck with your situation.
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I have to admit, the only reason I didn't say something similar was because I thought he needs to decide what's right for him. Like I said, keeping the baby is what would be right for me, under any circumstances, pretty much ), but I feel a lot of people ( and I don't mean you by this ) can be in denial over the fact that parenthood is not what every person on the planet wants. But yeah, I discounted the 'I live from pay to pay' part, because I'm 37 and I've lived that way for most of my life ( although not in recent times, at last ). Christian Graus - Microsoft MVP - C++
Christian Graus wrote:
but I feel a lot of people ( and I don't mean you by this ) can be in denial over the fact that parenthood is not what every person on the planet wants.
And sometimes not the best interests of the child. Had I a different family, or one I could rest assure could be removed legally from the picture, perhaps fatherhood would be a consideration. I actually wish I was not an Uncle, though hopefully since the mother refuses to bring them to America from Thailand, and my brother stays in the USA except for a few months a year, maybe, maybe they will grow up without enough of that influence. Though from what I hear, "little" Billy already has hit his mother several times. _________________________ Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau. Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice in the ceiling laugh. (Japanese Proverb)
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Christian Graus wrote:
but I feel a lot of people ( and I don't mean you by this ) can be in denial over the fact that parenthood is not what every person on the planet wants.
And sometimes not the best interests of the child. Had I a different family, or one I could rest assure could be removed legally from the picture, perhaps fatherhood would be a consideration. I actually wish I was not an Uncle, though hopefully since the mother refuses to bring them to America from Thailand, and my brother stays in the USA except for a few months a year, maybe, maybe they will grow up without enough of that influence. Though from what I hear, "little" Billy already has hit his mother several times. _________________________ Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau. Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice in the ceiling laugh. (Japanese Proverb)
Jeffry J. Brickley wrote:
And sometimes not the best interests of the child.
Yeah, that's always the prime concern
Jeffry J. Brickley wrote:
Had I a different family, or one I could rest assure could be removed legally from the picture, perhaps fatherhood would be a consideration.
I'm not fishing for more info, but surely who your family is can't matter if you want to exclude them ? I know I keep my kids away from my parents. Christian Graus - Microsoft MVP - C++
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I am posting this because the people at CodeProject have been my best friends since I was in high school. Yesterday I had a day that changed my life forever, I found out my girlfriend was pregnant. I also found out she had been too scared to tell me for the last nine months. She is also a bigger girl and it wasn't unreasonble to assume she had just gained more weight. So as of last night I have a son. This should be a joyous occasion, I have a healthy son with no complications. But neither my girlfriend nor myself are ready for a baby. We are thinking about adoption, but my girlfriends mom is dead set against it. I have had no one to confide in since I found out yesterday. I am pretty sure I have a good idea of what a nervous breakdown is like. Thanks for listening Matt Newman
Even the very best tools in the hands of an idiot will produce something of little or no value. - Chris Meech on Idiots
-- modified at 15:03 Wednesday 22nd March, 2006Having a child is a huge responsibility. You have to look at all angles to see if adoption is your answer. Questions I would ask you to ask yourself are: 1. How old are you? 2. How far into college (if you're planning on going) are you? 3. Will you graduate soon? 4. Are your grades good enough that you can work and study to support the baby? 5. Can you go part-time and work to support the baby? 6. Will your MIL-to-be be willing to help out until you guys are ready to take over? 7. Do you plan on marrying the mother? 8. Are you sure the baby's yours? Sorry, but it has to be asked. If enough of these are yes, you may wish to keep your son because any child would love to grow up with their loving parents. Good lick! "If only one person knows the truth, it is still the truth." - Mahatma Gandhi Web - Blog - RSS - Math
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Jeffry J. Brickley wrote:
And sometimes not the best interests of the child.
Yeah, that's always the prime concern
Jeffry J. Brickley wrote:
Had I a different family, or one I could rest assure could be removed legally from the picture, perhaps fatherhood would be a consideration.
I'm not fishing for more info, but surely who your family is can't matter if you want to exclude them ? I know I keep my kids away from my parents. Christian Graus - Microsoft MVP - C++
Christian Graus wrote:
I'm not fishing for more info, but surely who your family is can't matter if you want to exclude them ? I know I keep my kids away from my parents.
At least until the child comes home and says, "I met my Grandmother and Uncle on the way home from school, they seemed nice. Why haven't I met them?" The only way I would ever have a child of my blood is if I were in a location where it was physically impossible for them to go. Like Mars. Thus, no kids. My family does not put as much importance on children not born of the family, so not as many worries there. _________________________ Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau. Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice in the ceiling laugh. (Japanese Proverb)
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Christian Graus wrote:
I'm not fishing for more info, but surely who your family is can't matter if you want to exclude them ? I know I keep my kids away from my parents.
At least until the child comes home and says, "I met my Grandmother and Uncle on the way home from school, they seemed nice. Why haven't I met them?" The only way I would ever have a child of my blood is if I were in a location where it was physically impossible for them to go. Like Mars. Thus, no kids. My family does not put as much importance on children not born of the family, so not as many worries there. _________________________ Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau. Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice in the ceiling laugh. (Japanese Proverb)
Jeffry J. Brickley wrote:
At least until the child comes home and says, "I met my Grandmother and Uncle on the way home from school, they seemed nice. Why haven't I met them?"
It's true that I moved interstate before breeding. If they are likely to seek out your kids, that's really messed up, given that you obviously don't want them to.
Jeffry J. Brickley wrote:
Thus, no kids
Obviously, I don't know how you feel about that, but for me it would be a great tragedy. Not to mention the limitation it would place on your marriage options. Christian Graus - Microsoft MVP - C++
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Jeffry J. Brickley wrote:
At least until the child comes home and says, "I met my Grandmother and Uncle on the way home from school, they seemed nice. Why haven't I met them?"
It's true that I moved interstate before breeding. If they are likely to seek out your kids, that's really messed up, given that you obviously don't want them to.
Jeffry J. Brickley wrote:
Thus, no kids
Obviously, I don't know how you feel about that, but for me it would be a great tragedy. Not to mention the limitation it would place on your marriage options. Christian Graus - Microsoft MVP - C++
Christian Graus wrote:
If they are likely to seek out your kids, that's really messed up, given that you obviously don't want them to.
There would be no other choice for them... assuming they did not kidnap the child because I have poisoned the child with stories of them. After all, as my family is so fond of saying, "all families are dysfunctional, that is normal." or as my brother said, "you deserved it."
Christian Graus wrote:
Obviously, I don't know how you feel about that, but for me it would be a great tragedy. Not to mention the limitation it would place on your marriage options.
Me, not so much, though my luck in the latter hasn't been great either. If I live to the rest of my days alone, I doubt there will be any tears shed by any ladies. :) There are far better catches out there than me. :) _________________________ Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau. Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice in the ceiling laugh. (Japanese Proverb)
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Christian Graus wrote:
If they are likely to seek out your kids, that's really messed up, given that you obviously don't want them to.
There would be no other choice for them... assuming they did not kidnap the child because I have poisoned the child with stories of them. After all, as my family is so fond of saying, "all families are dysfunctional, that is normal." or as my brother said, "you deserved it."
Christian Graus wrote:
Obviously, I don't know how you feel about that, but for me it would be a great tragedy. Not to mention the limitation it would place on your marriage options.
Me, not so much, though my luck in the latter hasn't been great either. If I live to the rest of my days alone, I doubt there will be any tears shed by any ladies. :) There are far better catches out there than me. :) _________________________ Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau. Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice in the ceiling laugh. (Japanese Proverb)
Jeffry J. Brickley wrote:
There are far better catches out there than me.
In my experience, it's the blokes who would never say that who are the least attractive to the ladies. Christian Graus - Microsoft MVP - C++
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Jeffry J. Brickley wrote:
There are far better catches out there than me.
In my experience, it's the blokes who would never say that who are the least attractive to the ladies. Christian Graus - Microsoft MVP - C++
Christian Graus wrote:
In my experience, it's the blokes who would never say that who are the least attractive to the ladies.
Perhaps... Though usually I see the opposite. The ladies seem to like the bad-boy, I am the guy who never yells, never gets angry, if anything I tend to be a frustration. There are exceptions, but after two failures I am probably going to move too slow for them. :) _________________________ Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau. Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice in the ceiling laugh. (Japanese Proverb)
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Christian Graus wrote:
In my experience, it's the blokes who would never say that who are the least attractive to the ladies.
Perhaps... Though usually I see the opposite. The ladies seem to like the bad-boy, I am the guy who never yells, never gets angry, if anything I tend to be a frustration. There are exceptions, but after two failures I am probably going to move too slow for them. :) _________________________ Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau. Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice in the ceiling laugh. (Japanese Proverb)
Jeffry J. Brickley wrote:
The ladies seem to like the bad-boy
I don't think 'the ladies' is any more valid than 'the guys'. What I mean is, some chicks like to be with a criminal, some like to be with a guy who is quiet and has some sense. What the chicks you see like is probably a reflection on where you tend to meet women. Christian Graus - Microsoft MVP - C++
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Jeffry J. Brickley wrote:
The ladies seem to like the bad-boy
I don't think 'the ladies' is any more valid than 'the guys'. What I mean is, some chicks like to be with a criminal, some like to be with a guy who is quiet and has some sense. What the chicks you see like is probably a reflection on where you tend to meet women. Christian Graus - Microsoft MVP - C++
Christian Graus wrote:
What the chicks you see like is probably a reflection on where you tend to meet women.
I don't... I just see the dead-beat dad of work and ... others ... who have dates pretty regularly. :) _________________________ Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau. Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice in the ceiling laugh. (Japanese Proverb)
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I am posting this because the people at CodeProject have been my best friends since I was in high school. Yesterday I had a day that changed my life forever, I found out my girlfriend was pregnant. I also found out she had been too scared to tell me for the last nine months. She is also a bigger girl and it wasn't unreasonble to assume she had just gained more weight. So as of last night I have a son. This should be a joyous occasion, I have a healthy son with no complications. But neither my girlfriend nor myself are ready for a baby. We are thinking about adoption, but my girlfriends mom is dead set against it. I have had no one to confide in since I found out yesterday. I am pretty sure I have a good idea of what a nervous breakdown is like. Thanks for listening Matt Newman
Even the very best tools in the hands of an idiot will produce something of little or no value. - Chris Meech on Idiots
-- modified at 15:03 Wednesday 22nd March, 2006I'm not old enough to give you advice. I can only *IMAGINE* what it must be like for you..... All I can say is :rose: "Congratulations!! and Good Luck!!" :rose: ---------------------------------------------- If you need a hammer get C and shut up. If you need a nail gun get C++ and shut up. If you don't need *those* things (and good design should tell you) then by all means get a factory, factory, factory. --code-frog@codeproject
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I am posting this because the people at CodeProject have been my best friends since I was in high school. Yesterday I had a day that changed my life forever, I found out my girlfriend was pregnant. I also found out she had been too scared to tell me for the last nine months. She is also a bigger girl and it wasn't unreasonble to assume she had just gained more weight. So as of last night I have a son. This should be a joyous occasion, I have a healthy son with no complications. But neither my girlfriend nor myself are ready for a baby. We are thinking about adoption, but my girlfriends mom is dead set against it. I have had no one to confide in since I found out yesterday. I am pretty sure I have a good idea of what a nervous breakdown is like. Thanks for listening Matt Newman
Even the very best tools in the hands of an idiot will produce something of little or no value. - Chris Meech on Idiots
-- modified at 15:03 Wednesday 22nd March, 2006Matt, I can only imagine your shock. I'm not wise enough to advise you, and I wouldn't dream of trying to impose my moral values on you. I can only tell you that I have lived my entire life wanting children, but have never met the woman with whom I would like to have them. I have loved a fair number of good women, but not one of them has ever loved me in return, so my life is bereft of children, except for those I can borrow from friends who need a break. I am rich from those moments in my life; time spent in the company of children, Allah does not deduct from the hours of a man's life. Even though I have only been a part-time, unofficial Dad for the kids I've known, I can tell you that being a parent is the single most rewarding thing that you will ever experience in your life. I know that you don't feel ready for this; no one ever does. But I've learned in my 50+ years of living that we are really good at adapting to things as they are. If you keep the child things will, no doubt, become difficult for a while. But you'll adapt, change your lifestyle for a time, and in a couple of years you won't notice any hardship. It's hard to believe at your age, but trust me; I don't think you'll ever regret being a Daddy. If you really can't deal with it, I'll adopt your boy without hesitation - a child is a blessing to the world, and deserves a home where he/she will be loved and cared for. But don't worry about being a model parent - kids are remarkably resilient, and they don't care whether you are rich or poor. All they really need is to know that they are welcome and loved; everything else follows naturally. They don't come with manuals, like most software I've purchased, so they can be a challenge. But I consider that challenge well worth taking on... I hope that you will take the challenge, for your own sake, but if you can't, my offer stands. "...a photo album is like Life, but flat and stuck to pages." - Shog9