JOTD
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An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert has just passed away. She goes to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she sees him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert is wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returns to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied. The wife smiled at the man. He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads" :laugh: The aging process accelerates when the soul begins to wrinkle as we give up hope and enthusiasm. Storms in the brain ruin relaxation...
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An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert has just passed away. She goes to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she sees him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert is wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returns to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied. The wife smiled at the man. He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads" :laugh: The aging process accelerates when the soul begins to wrinkle as we give up hope and enthusiasm. Storms in the brain ruin relaxation...
Compared to other JOTDs I have read in the lounge. This is the least joking one. Sorry if I depress you. this is my signature for forums quoted from shog*9: I can't help but feel, somewhere deep within that withered, bitter, scheming person, there is a small child, frightened, looking a way out.
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Compared to other JOTDs I have read in the lounge. This is the least joking one. Sorry if I depress you. this is my signature for forums quoted from shog*9: I can't help but feel, somewhere deep within that withered, bitter, scheming person, there is a small child, frightened, looking a way out.
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Hel wrote: Sorry!! :laugh: :laugh: That was funnier than your joke. I laughed when i saw the blush emoticon. May the Source be with you Sonork ID 100.9997 sijinjoseph
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An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert has just passed away. She goes to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she sees him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert is wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returns to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied. The wife smiled at the man. He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads" :laugh: The aging process accelerates when the soul begins to wrinkle as we give up hope and enthusiasm. Storms in the brain ruin relaxation...
ROTFL ;) Don't worry - not everybody dislikes the joke. Tomasz Sowinski -- http://www.shooltz.com
** Putt knot yore thrust inn spel chequers. **
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An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert has just passed away. She goes to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she sees him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert is wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returns to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied. The wife smiled at the man. He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads" :laugh: The aging process accelerates when the soul begins to wrinkle as we give up hope and enthusiasm. Storms in the brain ruin relaxation...
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:-D I like this one ! We do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors. We borrow it from our children. Antoine de Saint Exupéry (1900-1944)
Cool :) Here is more: WORLD SUMMIT: At the opening plenary session of the WSSD in Johannesburg last week, delegations were asked: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The subsequent debate was a complete FIASCO and ended in deadlock. The Africans did not know what "food" meant. The Western Europeans did not know what "shortage" meant. The Eastern Europeans did not know what "opinion" meant. Delegates from the Middle East did not know what "solution" meant. The South Americans did not know what "please" meant. The Asians did not know what "honest" meant. And the United States did not know what "the rest of the world" meant. Man follows the way of earth. Earth follows the way of heaven. Heaven follows the way of Tao. Tao follows what is natural.
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Cool :) Here is more: WORLD SUMMIT: At the opening plenary session of the WSSD in Johannesburg last week, delegations were asked: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The subsequent debate was a complete FIASCO and ended in deadlock. The Africans did not know what "food" meant. The Western Europeans did not know what "shortage" meant. The Eastern Europeans did not know what "opinion" meant. Delegates from the Middle East did not know what "solution" meant. The South Americans did not know what "please" meant. The Asians did not know what "honest" meant. And the United States did not know what "the rest of the world" meant. Man follows the way of earth. Earth follows the way of heaven. Heaven follows the way of Tao. Tao follows what is natural.
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Repost :jig: :jig: :jig: I posted that last week. May the Source be with you Sonork ID 100.9997 sijinjoseph
I'm not having a good joke day ,Am I? How about this one: These are Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified by the WFIIAMM (World Famous International Institute of Answering MachineMessages): 10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you. 8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call. 7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money. 5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message. 4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner. 3. Hi. Now YOU say something. 2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages. 1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back Man follows the way of earth. Earth follows the way of heaven. Heaven follows the way of Tao. Tao follows what is natural.
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I'm not having a good joke day ,Am I? How about this one: These are Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified by the WFIIAMM (World Famous International Institute of Answering MachineMessages): 10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you. 8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call. 7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money. 5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message. 4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner. 3. Hi. Now YOU say something. 2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages. 1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back Man follows the way of earth. Earth follows the way of heaven. Heaven follows the way of Tao. Tao follows what is natural.
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I'm not having a good joke day ,Am I? How about this one: These are Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified by the WFIIAMM (World Famous International Institute of Answering MachineMessages): 10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you. 8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call. 7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money. 5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message. 4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner. 3. Hi. Now YOU say something. 2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages. 1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back Man follows the way of earth. Earth follows the way of heaven. Heaven follows the way of Tao. Tao follows what is natural.
Number seven is brilliant! I will be changing my voice mail message shortly... :-D
David Wulff http://www.davidwulff.co.uk
I'm not schizophrenic, are we.
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Number seven is brilliant! I will be changing my voice mail message shortly... :-D
David Wulff http://www.davidwulff.co.uk
I'm not schizophrenic, are we.
Please allow me to post just one more. It is long but definitely worth the read: I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying, "Hello". I politely said, "This is Fred Hannifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window - so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up). "Are
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Please allow me to post just one more. It is long but definitely worth the read: I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying, "Hello". I politely said, "This is Fred Hannifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window - so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up). "Are
You are right, it is definitely worth the read. :)
David Wulff http://www.davidwulff.co.uk
I'm not schizophrenic, are we.