The genius of Les Dawson...
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The other day I was gazing up at the night sky, a purple vault fretted with a myriad points of light twinkling in wondrous formation, while shooting stars streaked across the heavens, and I thought: I really must repair the roof on this toilet. *** I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.' *** I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire. *** She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark. *** Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.' *** I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up. *** She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause. *** People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.' By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left. *** I wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply. *** I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels? *** There was an old farmer from Greece Who did terrible things to his geese But he went too far with a budgerigar And the parrot phoned the police. *** I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?' *** I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope. *** Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own. *** I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.' *** Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off *** What amazes me is that so many people think showbusiness is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it's about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic. *** No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain. *** I was lying
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The other day I was gazing up at the night sky, a purple vault fretted with a myriad points of light twinkling in wondrous formation, while shooting stars streaked across the heavens, and I thought: I really must repair the roof on this toilet. *** I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.' *** I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire. *** She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark. *** Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.' *** I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up. *** She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause. *** People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.' By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left. *** I wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply. *** I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels? *** There was an old farmer from Greece Who did terrible things to his geese But he went too far with a budgerigar And the parrot phoned the police. *** I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?' *** I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope. *** Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own. *** I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.' *** Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off *** What amazes me is that so many people think showbusiness is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it's about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic. *** No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain. *** I was lying
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The other day I was gazing up at the night sky, a purple vault fretted with a myriad points of light twinkling in wondrous formation, while shooting stars streaked across the heavens, and I thought: I really must repair the roof on this toilet. *** I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.' *** I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire. *** She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark. *** Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.' *** I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up. *** She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause. *** People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.' By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left. *** I wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply. *** I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels? *** There was an old farmer from Greece Who did terrible things to his geese But he went too far with a budgerigar And the parrot phoned the police. *** I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?' *** I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope. *** Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own. *** I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.' *** Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off *** What amazes me is that so many people think showbusiness is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it's about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic. *** No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain. *** I was lying
"In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory." "My mother-in-law said 'one day I will dance on your grave'. I said 'I hope you do, I will be buried at sea.'" "I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking.'" "My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked." "He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical."
"WPF has many lovers. It's a veritable porn star!" - Josh Smith
As Braveheart once said, "You can take our freedom but you'll never take our Hobnobs!" - Martin Hughes.
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"In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory." "My mother-in-law said 'one day I will dance on your grave'. I said 'I hope you do, I will be buried at sea.'" "I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking.'" "My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked." "He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical."
"WPF has many lovers. It's a veritable porn star!" - Josh Smith
As Braveheart once said, "You can take our freedom but you'll never take our Hobnobs!" - Martin Hughes.
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The other day I was gazing up at the night sky, a purple vault fretted with a myriad points of light twinkling in wondrous formation, while shooting stars streaked across the heavens, and I thought: I really must repair the roof on this toilet. *** I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.' *** I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire. *** She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark. *** Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.' *** I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up. *** She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause. *** People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.' By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left. *** I wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply. *** I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels? *** There was an old farmer from Greece Who did terrible things to his geese But he went too far with a budgerigar And the parrot phoned the police. *** I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?' *** I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope. *** Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own. *** I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.' *** Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off *** What amazes me is that so many people think showbusiness is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it's about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic. *** No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain. *** I was lying
I haven't said a word to the mother-in-law for ten years. I don't like to interrupt her.
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The other day I was gazing up at the night sky, a purple vault fretted with a myriad points of light twinkling in wondrous formation, while shooting stars streaked across the heavens, and I thought: I really must repair the roof on this toilet. *** I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.' *** I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire. *** She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark. *** Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.' *** I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up. *** She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause. *** People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.' By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left. *** I wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply. *** I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels? *** There was an old farmer from Greece Who did terrible things to his geese But he went too far with a budgerigar And the parrot phoned the police. *** I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?' *** I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope. *** Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own. *** I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.' *** Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off *** What amazes me is that so many people think showbusiness is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it's about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic. *** No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain. *** I was lying
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The other day I was gazing up at the night sky, a purple vault fretted with a myriad points of light twinkling in wondrous formation, while shooting stars streaked across the heavens, and I thought: I really must repair the roof on this toilet. *** I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.' *** I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire. *** She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark. *** Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.' *** I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up. *** She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause. *** People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.' By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left. *** I wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply. *** I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels? *** There was an old farmer from Greece Who did terrible things to his geese But he went too far with a budgerigar And the parrot phoned the police. *** I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?' *** I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope. *** Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own. *** I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.' *** Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off *** What amazes me is that so many people think showbusiness is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it's about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic. *** No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain. *** I was lying
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I'll never forget his piano playing, genius. He hasn't gone and died or anything has he? A.
AndyKEnZ wrote:
He hasn't gone and died or anything has he?
10 June 1993 :(
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I'll never forget his piano playing, genius. He hasn't gone and died or anything has he? A.