Why the "real world" sucks
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Here are a few things that you might find helpful: 0) Learn to have absolutely no expectations. Don't anticipate anything, good or bad, just go with the flow. Practice this, learn it, it's one of the most valuable skills in life for social situations. 1) Be genuine and authentic i.e. be yourself. There is nothing more precious or highly regarded in these times than authenticity. Being yourself, being authentic at all times will ensure you always end up with exactly the right people for you. Even people that are completely different in personality and interests will always appreciate and be happy to know someone who is truly authentic and genuine at all times. Trust yourself to let go and be yourself, don't try to be anything you are not. 2) Go on a lot of dates. Dating is a skill and like any skill it only gets better when it's practiced and developed. Accept that it might take you a *lot* of dates before you feel like you are more successful at it, however if you really work on item 1 above it will take far less. 3) Nothing is ever as bad (or as good) in hindsight as you think it was. Generally speaking when someone out of social practice thinks a situation went badly it probably went a factor of 100 or more less badly than it did in their mind. Independent corroboration always confirms this. Learn to stop thinking about yourself and what you are saying or doing and focus outwards on the people you are with. Doing that will ensure you have a better idea of how things are going and will almost inevitably ensure they go better.
Yesterday they said today was tomorrow but today they know better. - Poul Anderson
Gee thanks, Mr. Anderson. Big help. How about this list: 0) Stop indulging in pron. Kind of hard when your brain is hardwired in that direction to look in the eye of the potential girl. Also, staring at their various body parts is kind of a turn off too. Not easy to find a girl who is into perverts. Even if you do, imagine the kind of baggage that goes with getting that kind of girl. 1) Watch the various videos by Richard Bandler, most notably the one entitled Shyness. Rather than do the "tell me about your childhood" and "more of the same will result with success", do a reality check and RB will teach you to zap the fear. All that is needed to be known is that the fear exists, then RB zaps it. 2) Stop listening to "friends" who like to see you fail. They tease you and make fun of you to make them feel better. It's okay to be friends, but be aware that accepting what they say is not helping the situation.
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Apparently you have no problem dealing with real world situations. It appears you have never been in situations that we have, especially when you use the "keep trying" solution. Keep trying only works when you have success occasionally. If you have no underlying fear or anxiety, then all it takes is repeated effort. Tell me that repeating the following scenario will produce better results each time: See a girl from across the room. Feel some attraction, immediately followed by anxiety. Knowing how reacting in this mode must look and knowing that it basically repels that person to whom you are interested in, you try to act normal. In acting normal, you can tell you feel weird. Your expressions are forced in a non expressive way. You imagine your face looking like a distorted prune as you try to relax. In the meantime, time is ticking away. Inside you know that as more time passes, the more awkward the situation becomes. At this point if you can muster up the courage to go up to her, you barely notice your expression being that of a whimpering dog or "don't hurt me". You approach her and ask her the best you can, trying not to stutter or mumble as you know this is a turnoff. Ultimately, she being either a normal girl or worse a stuck-up b**ch, rejects you. You can tell what level of b**ch from 0 to 10 by the way she dumps you. If she dumps you out of fear that you are some psycho or nutcase, she will say, "maybe later" or "no thank you" whereas if she is a stuck up b, she'll say something like "No Way!" or give you that, "What, are you kidding me?" look. Keep in mind that repeated failures reinforce the belief which develops that we are nervous losers. Not good...
You got way too much anger and resentment in there. No chick in her right mind would give you the time of day with that attitude. Nobody *wants* to feel miserable. You need to cheer up a bit before even bothering to attempt picking up a chick. Most attractive women are only bitchy because they're tired of being hit on constantly by guys that don't interest them. It's human nature. If you were an attractive chick you would be that way too. If bozo the clown stopped you on your way to work and got in your way ever day of your life. You'd eventually not be happy with bozo the clown. Same principle. I've known girls that would wear a fake wedding wing when single just to try and cut down on the fuss the average Joes make so they can work, etc. in some peace. So, what's the solution? Don't be the average Joe. How you say? Women aren't stupid, they know most guys start acting totally different around them - usually a wuss too. Don't do that. Try being yourself. And yes, it takes practice. That doesn't mean repeat the same mistakes over and over again. If one thing doesn't work, try another and so on. I can tell you one that will never work... making a big deal out of the initial conversation like you are right now. She won't be comfortable, and unless she's desperate you're not going to get anywhere.
Jeremy Falcon
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Apparently you have no problem dealing with real world situations. It appears you have never been in situations that we have, especially when you use the "keep trying" solution. Keep trying only works when you have success occasionally. If you have no underlying fear or anxiety, then all it takes is repeated effort. Tell me that repeating the following scenario will produce better results each time: See a girl from across the room. Feel some attraction, immediately followed by anxiety. Knowing how reacting in this mode must look and knowing that it basically repels that person to whom you are interested in, you try to act normal. In acting normal, you can tell you feel weird. Your expressions are forced in a non expressive way. You imagine your face looking like a distorted prune as you try to relax. In the meantime, time is ticking away. Inside you know that as more time passes, the more awkward the situation becomes. At this point if you can muster up the courage to go up to her, you barely notice your expression being that of a whimpering dog or "don't hurt me". You approach her and ask her the best you can, trying not to stutter or mumble as you know this is a turnoff. Ultimately, she being either a normal girl or worse a stuck-up b**ch, rejects you. You can tell what level of b**ch from 0 to 10 by the way she dumps you. If she dumps you out of fear that you are some psycho or nutcase, she will say, "maybe later" or "no thank you" whereas if she is a stuck up b, she'll say something like "No Way!" or give you that, "What, are you kidding me?" look. Keep in mind that repeated failures reinforce the belief which develops that we are nervous losers. Not good...
I predict you're not likely to get laid any time soon. Sorry, dude.
Christian Graus Driven to the arms of OSX by Vista. Read my blog to find out how I've worked around bugs in Microsoft tools and frameworks.
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Gee thanks, Mr. Anderson. Big help. How about this list: 0) Stop indulging in pron. Kind of hard when your brain is hardwired in that direction to look in the eye of the potential girl. Also, staring at their various body parts is kind of a turn off too. Not easy to find a girl who is into perverts. Even if you do, imagine the kind of baggage that goes with getting that kind of girl. 1) Watch the various videos by Richard Bandler, most notably the one entitled Shyness. Rather than do the "tell me about your childhood" and "more of the same will result with success", do a reality check and RB will teach you to zap the fear. All that is needed to be known is that the fear exists, then RB zaps it. 2) Stop listening to "friends" who like to see you fail. They tease you and make fun of you to make them feel better. It's okay to be friends, but be aware that accepting what they say is not helping the situation.
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So I went out on a real DATE today - screwed it up real bad. I realised I'm just not good at being social (definitely not in the real world). All the while I kept thinking I might have fared better if I spent more time in the real world instead of being on the computer. Anyway, I also decided that as an antidote, I'd get back to the internet and post my "disappointing" little taste of the "real world" on CP. I'm now going to consume a few beers and go off to sleep early today. :sigh:
"Be brave little warrior, be VERY brave" - Adriaan Davel
I used to suck at this too... I agree with the others who are saying to practice. Another option is to go "shopping" first with some of your guy friends. Its much easier to pick up a chick if you are with a group of guys. It definitely brings down the creep factor, and helps to beef up your confidence. Confidence is key. Another thing to think about is with people, unlike programming, if your too concerned with the outcome, they tend to feel smothered. Once I took the approach that I really didn't care what the outcome was, I just wanted to get to know as many different types of people as possible, it helped me to figure out what type of person I'm dealing with. Once you can read people, you creep them out a whole lot less.
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I predict you're not likely to get laid any time soon. Sorry, dude.
Christian Graus Driven to the arms of OSX by Vista. Read my blog to find out how I've worked around bugs in Microsoft tools and frameworks.
From the lofty viewpoint of someone who is no longer in the game (married 40 years so far):cool:, I can say with authority: "Stop trying to get laid!". Instead, try to make friends with the opposite sex. If you're are first a friend, then the sex happen in due time. If you try to set a time table or go for the gold instead of friendship, then you will be acting exactly like the type of person that most women try to avoid. Also, a bar is probably the worst hunting ground that I can think of. Try taking on a hobby or activity that both men and women like. You're less likely to meet an alcoholic this way.
Fletcher Glenn
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Unless you're lucky to be one of the few who have a natural ability to interact with the opposite sex or are lucky enough to be so attractive to the opposite sex that nothing else about you matters, unless you are lucky enough to fall into one of those groups know that you're really like everyone else, stunbling thru and figuring it out as you go. Its also very true, the saying that the harder you try the harder it is. Of all dates and relationships I've been involved in, the most enjoyable and the one that has stuck (my current wife) were ones were I finally quit trying and she just happened into my life. Funny how reality likes to poke fun at us humans on a regular basis.
YSLGuru wrote:
Its also very true, the saying that the harder you try the harder it is. Of all dates and relationships I've been involved in, the most enjoyable and the one that has stuck (my current wife) were ones were I finally quit trying and she just happened into my life. Funny how reality likes to poke fun at us humans on a regular basis.
A 5 for that. For years and years that seemed endless to me, I tried so very hard to find a girl to be with. And all that time, a lot of people gave me exactly this advice. Stubborn as I was, I didn't believe them - I had to know better. I went on and tried and went on dates and almost every single one went to shit. After a long time alone, I gave up. I just had enough. And what do you know, just then this wonderful woman popped out of nowhere into my life. No clumsy and tiresome dates, we just happened to meet each other (because I bought a used PSP) and fall in love with each other. I'm as happier than I thought I could ever be. Enough of my rambling. What I want to say is: this man is absolutely right. You'd do good to listen to those wise words.
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You got way too much anger and resentment in there. No chick in her right mind would give you the time of day with that attitude. Nobody *wants* to feel miserable. You need to cheer up a bit before even bothering to attempt picking up a chick. Most attractive women are only bitchy because they're tired of being hit on constantly by guys that don't interest them. It's human nature. If you were an attractive chick you would be that way too. If bozo the clown stopped you on your way to work and got in your way ever day of your life. You'd eventually not be happy with bozo the clown. Same principle. I've known girls that would wear a fake wedding wing when single just to try and cut down on the fuss the average Joes make so they can work, etc. in some peace. So, what's the solution? Don't be the average Joe. How you say? Women aren't stupid, they know most guys start acting totally different around them - usually a wuss too. Don't do that. Try being yourself. And yes, it takes practice. That doesn't mean repeat the same mistakes over and over again. If one thing doesn't work, try another and so on. I can tell you one that will never work... making a big deal out of the initial conversation like you are right now. She won't be comfortable, and unless she's desperate you're not going to get anywhere.
Jeremy Falcon
You know... I hate it when all these attractive women hit on me. They just make me feel like I'm a piece of meat. I shun them now and tell them to go away. ;)
ragnaroknrol: Yes, but comparing a rabid wolverine gnawing on your face while stabbing you with a fountain pen to Vista is likely to make the wolverine look good, so it isn't exactly that big of a compliment.
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You know... I hate it when all these attractive women hit on me. They just make me feel like I'm a piece of meat. I shun them now and tell them to go away. ;)
ragnaroknrol: Yes, but comparing a rabid wolverine gnawing on your face while stabbing you with a fountain pen to Vista is likely to make the wolverine look good, so it isn't exactly that big of a compliment.
firegryphon wrote:
You know... I hate it when all these attractive women hit on me. They just make me feel like I'm a piece of meat. I shun them now and tell them to go away.
:laugh: That's the spirit!
Jeremy Falcon
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From the lofty viewpoint of someone who is no longer in the game (married 40 years so far):cool:, I can say with authority: "Stop trying to get laid!". Instead, try to make friends with the opposite sex. If you're are first a friend, then the sex happen in due time. If you try to set a time table or go for the gold instead of friendship, then you will be acting exactly like the type of person that most women try to avoid. Also, a bar is probably the worst hunting ground that I can think of. Try taking on a hobby or activity that both men and women like. You're less likely to meet an alcoholic this way.
Fletcher Glenn
fglenn wrote:
"Stop trying to get laid!". Instead, try to make friends with the opposite sex. If you're are first a friend, then the sex happen in due time.
Hmmm... You start by "wanna be my ping pong buddy?", then turn this into "how about a beer after all that swinging", then you try to turn those into "it's 3am and we're drunk : we go to my place or your place", then you push further to "how about you sleep on the couch". And that's when she either freaks out and dissapear forever (tip for next time : she didn't drink enough) or things get to "btw, you got condoms here right?" on their own... PS. Save often in case your tongue slips and you say something stupid again. Is it just me or is there something surrealistic in this picture?