Passive aggressive colleagues.
-
I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
-
I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
I inform people that are not pulling their weight to either pick up the pace or I will find someone else to do the job. Works every time.
------------------------------------ I will never again mention that I was the poster of the One Millionth Lounge Post, nor that it was complete drivel. Dalek Dave CCC Link[^] Trolls[^]
-
I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
I totally agree with your plan of action. May I go home, now? :-D
If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, I would have recommended something simpler. -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile.
This is going on my arrogant assumptions. You may have a superb reason why I'm completely wrong. -- Iain Clarke
[My articles] -
I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
A trouble maker is a trouble maker and usually will never change. I think you are spot on with the "aggressive behavior" bit. I would also throw in resentment as well from the trouble maker. I agree with Dave. If they don't shape up, then they ship out.
-
I inform people that are not pulling their weight to either pick up the pace or I will find someone else to do the job. Works every time.
------------------------------------ I will never again mention that I was the poster of the One Millionth Lounge Post, nor that it was complete drivel. Dalek Dave CCC Link[^] Trolls[^]
That's all well and fine if you're the boss. But I enterpret Chris' post as he is talking about two collegues/peers on the same level... ?!?!?!
1f y0u c4n r34d 7h15 y0u r3411y n33d 70 g37 14!d Gotta run; I've got people to do and things to see... Don't tell my folks I'm a computer programmer - They think I'm a piano player in a cat house... Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo!
-
I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
Number1 should be changed to this: 1. Give feedback. Tell him that if he doesn't perform the assigned work in the manner described, he will be fired. and then, there's item #4: 4) Take him on a field trip to a local shooting range. Mention that you go to the range whenever you need to "blow off steam" when an employee doesn't perform as expected. On the way back to the office, ask him how he thinks he's performing.
".45 ACP - because shooting twice is just silly" - JSOP, 2010
-----
You can never have too much ammo - unless you're swimming, or on fire. - JSOP, 2010
-----
"Why don't you tie a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants won't climb up and eat your candy ass." - Dale Earnhardt, 1997modified on Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:17 AM
-
I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
Number 1 rarely works, the idea that they will “change their ways” is purely optimistic. While I’m not a negative person, I have come to realize that some people are fully self justified in their bad behavior, and your efforts are seen as hostile to them regardless of how genuine your intents are. The other 2 suggestions are much closer to the mark, when dealing with people who can be difficult, do reiterate the responsibilities or action items, keep meeting minutes, follow up with an e-mail and be clear on the who needs to do what. Make sure all correspondences are clearly dated. This paper trail will eliminate the “he said, she said, you didn’t tell me” speculations or diversion tactics. Even if it is not your meeting, be sure to follow up with some type of memo or e-mail outlining your own responsibility and respectfully ask for corrections. The thing is that you don't have to be passive, but you can take action without aggression, take ownership of your part of a project. Their glaring omissions will speak for themselves.
It was broke, so I fixed it.
-
Number1 should be changed to this: 1. Give feedback. Tell him that if he doesn't perform the assigned work in the manner described, he will be fired. and then, there's item #4: 4) Take him on a field trip to a local shooting range. Mention that you go to the range whenever you need to "blow off steam" when an employee doesn't perform as expected. On the way back to the office, ask him how he thinks he's performing.
".45 ACP - because shooting twice is just silly" - JSOP, 2010
-----
You can never have too much ammo - unless you're swimming, or on fire. - JSOP, 2010
-----
"Why don't you tie a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants won't climb up and eat your candy ass." - Dale Earnhardt, 1997modified on Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:17 AM
-
I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
Nah, they just lay me off. Just because it may look like I'm not working on the code you want, doesn't mean I'm not. A programmer who simply writes code without forethought may not produce quality results; some research may be required. The bottom line is whether or not the developer produces quality code within the specified timeframe -- ability to mentor others is good too. If the developer produces poor-quality code and doesn't meet deadlines then the solution is obvious. Otherwise, allow the developer to exercise his own style. Another idea is to give very short deadlines -- isn't that what Agile does?
-
Number 1 rarely works, the idea that they will “change their ways” is purely optimistic. While I’m not a negative person, I have come to realize that some people are fully self justified in their bad behavior, and your efforts are seen as hostile to them regardless of how genuine your intents are. The other 2 suggestions are much closer to the mark, when dealing with people who can be difficult, do reiterate the responsibilities or action items, keep meeting minutes, follow up with an e-mail and be clear on the who needs to do what. Make sure all correspondences are clearly dated. This paper trail will eliminate the “he said, she said, you didn’t tell me” speculations or diversion tactics. Even if it is not your meeting, be sure to follow up with some type of memo or e-mail outlining your own responsibility and respectfully ask for corrections. The thing is that you don't have to be passive, but you can take action without aggression, take ownership of your part of a project. Their glaring omissions will speak for themselves.
It was broke, so I fixed it.
S Houghtelin wrote:
you don't have to be passive, but you can take action without aggression
Well said!
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
-
That's all well and fine if you're the boss. But I enterpret Chris' post as he is talking about two collegues/peers on the same level... ?!?!?!
1f y0u c4n r34d 7h15 y0u r3411y n33d 70 g37 14!d Gotta run; I've got people to do and things to see... Don't tell my folks I'm a computer programmer - They think I'm a piano player in a cat house... Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo!
Hey, Chris is the boss here. The hamsters are just subordinates. :rolleyes:
If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, I would have recommended something simpler. -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile.
This is going on my arrogant assumptions. You may have a superb reason why I'm completely wrong. -- Iain Clarke
[My articles] -
Hey, Chris is the boss here. The hamsters are just subordinates. :rolleyes:
If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, I would have recommended something simpler. -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile.
This is going on my arrogant assumptions. You may have a superb reason why I'm completely wrong. -- Iain Clarke
[My articles]Yes, but he was not talking about CP, but about a newsletter he had received... I might have misunderstood the post, but I don't think so in this case...
1f y0u c4n r34d 7h15 y0u r3411y n33d 70 g37 14!d Gotta run; I've got people to do and things to see... Don't tell my folks I'm a computer programmer - They think I'm a piano player in a cat house... Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo!
-
Number 1 rarely works, the idea that they will “change their ways” is purely optimistic. While I’m not a negative person, I have come to realize that some people are fully self justified in their bad behavior, and your efforts are seen as hostile to them regardless of how genuine your intents are. The other 2 suggestions are much closer to the mark, when dealing with people who can be difficult, do reiterate the responsibilities or action items, keep meeting minutes, follow up with an e-mail and be clear on the who needs to do what. Make sure all correspondences are clearly dated. This paper trail will eliminate the “he said, she said, you didn’t tell me” speculations or diversion tactics. Even if it is not your meeting, be sure to follow up with some type of memo or e-mail outlining your own responsibility and respectfully ask for corrections. The thing is that you don't have to be passive, but you can take action without aggression, take ownership of your part of a project. Their glaring omissions will speak for themselves.
It was broke, so I fixed it.
S Houghtelin wrote:
but you can take action without aggression
Where's the fun in that?
".45 ACP - because shooting twice is just silly" - JSOP, 2010
-----
You can never have too much ammo - unless you're swimming, or on fire. - JSOP, 2010
-----
"Why don't you tie a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants won't climb up and eat your candy ass." - Dale Earnhardt, 1997 -
Nah, they just lay me off. Just because it may look like I'm not working on the code you want, doesn't mean I'm not. A programmer who simply writes code without forethought may not produce quality results; some research may be required. The bottom line is whether or not the developer produces quality code within the specified timeframe -- ability to mentor others is good too. If the developer produces poor-quality code and doesn't meet deadlines then the solution is obvious. Otherwise, allow the developer to exercise his own style. Another idea is to give very short deadlines -- isn't that what Agile does?
PIEBALDconsult wrote:
isn't that what Agile does?
Who's Agile? I think it's unfair to mention anyone's name...
".45 ACP - because shooting twice is just silly" - JSOP, 2010
-----
You can never have too much ammo - unless you're swimming, or on fire. - JSOP, 2010
-----
"Why don't you tie a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants won't climb up and eat your candy ass." - Dale Earnhardt, 1997 -
Number1 should be changed to this: 1. Give feedback. Tell him that if he doesn't perform the assigned work in the manner described, he will be fired. and then, there's item #4: 4) Take him on a field trip to a local shooting range. Mention that you go to the range whenever you need to "blow off steam" when an employee doesn't perform as expected. On the way back to the office, ask him how he thinks he's performing.
".45 ACP - because shooting twice is just silly" - JSOP, 2010
-----
You can never have too much ammo - unless you're swimming, or on fire. - JSOP, 2010
-----
"Why don't you tie a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants won't climb up and eat your candy ass." - Dale Earnhardt, 1997modified on Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:17 AM
"I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse." Dick Cheney :)
Even a blind squirrel gets a nut occasionally. http://www.hq4thmarinescomm.com[^] [My Site]
-
I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
In my experience, the cardinal rule for behavior modification is gentle pressure, relentlessly applied. Having agreed to do things in a certain way, or by a certain date, the employee should be able to report progress. Ask for it - often. Remind him/her of the committment made regularly. It may drift into aggressive behavior, but more often I've found that the job will get done just to make you shut up. If that leads to resentment, the employee will most likely quit, solving the problem. If not, the person will learn that it's easier to go with the program than to resist.
Will Rogers never met me.
-
I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
If they have an aggressive behavior there's a reason and they are not going to change until something changes. If they are good performers offer them counseling otherwise "don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out."
Even a blind squirrel gets a nut occasionally. http://www.hq4thmarinescomm.com[^] [My Site]
-
S Houghtelin wrote:
but you can take action without aggression
Where's the fun in that?
".45 ACP - because shooting twice is just silly" - JSOP, 2010
-----
You can never have too much ammo - unless you're swimming, or on fire. - JSOP, 2010
-----
"Why don't you tie a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants won't climb up and eat your candy ass." - Dale Earnhardt, 1997Letting them make public @sses of themselves, and the "...did hear about so-and-so..." at the watercooler is provides small satisfaction. ;)
-
I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
Chris Maunder wrote:
My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
You're right. It will become aggressive. However, that will at least be the first step toward resolution, and the three points are sound enough (they just don't mention that you'll have to calmly do that while someone is screaming at you and trying to knife you in the back). People who agree to one thing and then do another will not change unless challenged, and I've yet to cure anyone of it without it becoming aggressive, or threats being needed. Given how destructive their behaviour can be, to both the work and the team, I feel it is better to get it out in the open in very clear terms -- "What you do is damaging and extremely counter-productive, and makes it impossible for people to work with you, so it has to stop". If they decide to get aggressive and make a fight out of it (99.999% probability), then so be it. Kick their @rses; they'll receive no support from any quarter, even if they're married to the boss' daughter, and will have to either acquiesce or leave. Point 2 is important, during any such "discussions". Don't get personal (even in private conversations with other colleagues) -- and if they do, shrug it off. Stay focused. The end result will be that everyone knows that agreeing one thing and doing another is not an acceptable way to treat their colleagues/team-mates.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
-
I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
As an aggresive/agrresive type I'm always exhibiting aggresive behaviour so stop whigning and get on with your job you lilly-livered, cowardly, passive/passive person. :-) Aggresive people are just bullies: confront them immediately and the stupid behaviour stops.
"If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur." Red Adair. nils illegitimus carborundum me, me, me
