Passive aggressive colleagues.
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I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
In my experience, the cardinal rule for behavior modification is gentle pressure, relentlessly applied. Having agreed to do things in a certain way, or by a certain date, the employee should be able to report progress. Ask for it - often. Remind him/her of the committment made regularly. It may drift into aggressive behavior, but more often I've found that the job will get done just to make you shut up. If that leads to resentment, the employee will most likely quit, solving the problem. If not, the person will learn that it's easier to go with the program than to resist.
Will Rogers never met me.
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I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
If they have an aggressive behavior there's a reason and they are not going to change until something changes. If they are good performers offer them counseling otherwise "don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out."
Even a blind squirrel gets a nut occasionally. http://www.hq4thmarinescomm.com[^] [My Site]
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S Houghtelin wrote:
but you can take action without aggression
Where's the fun in that?
".45 ACP - because shooting twice is just silly" - JSOP, 2010
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You can never have too much ammo - unless you're swimming, or on fire. - JSOP, 2010
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"Why don't you tie a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants won't climb up and eat your candy ass." - Dale Earnhardt, 1997Letting them make public @sses of themselves, and the "...did hear about so-and-so..." at the watercooler is provides small satisfaction. ;)
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I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
Chris Maunder wrote:
My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
You're right. It will become aggressive. However, that will at least be the first step toward resolution, and the three points are sound enough (they just don't mention that you'll have to calmly do that while someone is screaming at you and trying to knife you in the back). People who agree to one thing and then do another will not change unless challenged, and I've yet to cure anyone of it without it becoming aggressive, or threats being needed. Given how destructive their behaviour can be, to both the work and the team, I feel it is better to get it out in the open in very clear terms -- "What you do is damaging and extremely counter-productive, and makes it impossible for people to work with you, so it has to stop". If they decide to get aggressive and make a fight out of it (99.999% probability), then so be it. Kick their @rses; they'll receive no support from any quarter, even if they're married to the boss' daughter, and will have to either acquiesce or leave. Point 2 is important, during any such "discussions". Don't get personal (even in private conversations with other colleagues) -- and if they do, shrug it off. Stay focused. The end result will be that everyone knows that agreeing one thing and doing another is not an acceptable way to treat their colleagues/team-mates.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
As an aggresive/agrresive type I'm always exhibiting aggresive behaviour so stop whigning and get on with your job you lilly-livered, cowardly, passive/passive person. :-) Aggresive people are just bullies: confront them immediately and the stupid behaviour stops.
"If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur." Red Adair. nils illegitimus carborundum me, me, me
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I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
I'm not quite sure if my Former Problem Cow-Orker's behavior counts as passive aggressive, but I've never had success with #1. FPCO has a communications problem. He'd email a question to all 3 or 4 members of the team. Then after waiting just long enough for us to read it if we dropped whatever we were doing when it arrived FPCO would, regardless of which team member was best placed to answer his question, walk over to my cube (presumably because I was 5 or 10 times closer to him than the rest of the team) to chat with me about it. Afterwards FPCO never followed up on his email, which meant that either I had to waste a few more minutes of my time summarizing the discussion or someone else on the team would waste even longer answering the question from scratch. I initially tried talking to FPCO about it in private; when that didn't work I expressed my concerns on FPCO's annual review feedback form. Apparently I wasn't the only person to do so because after his review FPCO emailed about a dozen people (our team and those from a few other projects he was on before it) apologizing and promising to work on his communication skills. FPCO stopped emailing the rest of the team before walking over to ask me about a question that should have been answered by someone else. :doh: :doh: :doh:
3x12=36 2x12=24 1x12=12 0x12=18
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I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
The only thing I've found that works reliably is to make the rounds each morning and talk to everyone on the team. Otherwise, you will find over and over again that some people ran into a problem on Monday, and waited until the team meeting on Friday to tell you about it.
Best wishes, Hans
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Number1 should be changed to this: 1. Give feedback. Tell him that if he doesn't perform the assigned work in the manner described, he will be fired. and then, there's item #4: 4) Take him on a field trip to a local shooting range. Mention that you go to the range whenever you need to "blow off steam" when an employee doesn't perform as expected. On the way back to the office, ask him how he thinks he's performing.
".45 ACP - because shooting twice is just silly" - JSOP, 2010
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You can never have too much ammo - unless you're swimming, or on fire. - JSOP, 2010
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"Why don't you tie a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants won't climb up and eat your candy ass." - Dale Earnhardt, 1997modified on Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:17 AM
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PIEBALDconsult wrote:
isn't that what Agile does?
Who's Agile? I think it's unfair to mention anyone's name...
".45 ACP - because shooting twice is just silly" - JSOP, 2010
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You can never have too much ammo - unless you're swimming, or on fire. - JSOP, 2010
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"Why don't you tie a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants won't climb up and eat your candy ass." - Dale Earnhardt, 1997John Simmons / outlaw programmer wrote:
I think it's unfair to mention anyone's name...
Not when he's a complete dick.. but we got rid of him. Now we have some bloke called Preamble, but he never gets to the good stuff :sigh:
Illogical thoughts make me ill
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Number 1 rarely works, the idea that they will “change their ways” is purely optimistic. While I’m not a negative person, I have come to realize that some people are fully self justified in their bad behavior, and your efforts are seen as hostile to them regardless of how genuine your intents are. The other 2 suggestions are much closer to the mark, when dealing with people who can be difficult, do reiterate the responsibilities or action items, keep meeting minutes, follow up with an e-mail and be clear on the who needs to do what. Make sure all correspondences are clearly dated. This paper trail will eliminate the “he said, she said, you didn’t tell me” speculations or diversion tactics. Even if it is not your meeting, be sure to follow up with some type of memo or e-mail outlining your own responsibility and respectfully ask for corrections. The thing is that you don't have to be passive, but you can take action without aggression, take ownership of your part of a project. Their glaring omissions will speak for themselves.
It was broke, so I fixed it.
S Houghtelin wrote:
...some people are fully self justified in their bad behavior, and your efforts are seen as hostile to them regardless of how genuine your intents are.
Couldn't be more true. :thumbsup:
"One man's wage rise is another man's price increase." - Harold Wilson
"Fireproof doesn't mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it." - Michael Simmons
"Man who follows car will be exhausted." - Confucius
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I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
That newsletter pretty much describes why managers are paid more than programmers. I'd rather work with suffer XML based frameworks all day than put up with this kind of problems.
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I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
Document, document document. If someone has agreed to fo something a particular way, verbally, especially in a meting where this isn't the only item on the agenda, I always document my understanding of the commitment, and distribute it to all concerned parties. When the job is complete, and there's a discrepancy with what's done and what was promised, just referring back to the documented commitment leaves the person with no option other than admit their mistake. of course you do all this politely though firmly. Then, if at all possible, you get them to do it again as per the requirements. If behaviour is persistent then escalate to superiors. Or sack 'em. I had a contractor once who was on a 3 month initial contract with a view to extension. first job was verbal - and cocked up because he "didn't understand the requirements". 2nd job we documented and he agreed to the requirements. when he failed to do them, I took his timesheet and told him I wouldn't be paying him for the time spent on the project as it didn't meet requirements - but offered to pay if he re-developed according to the requirements. He (sort of) did as asked and I paid. third job he again went off at a tangent. I asked him to explain, his response of "my way was better" terminated his contract immediately. incidentally some of the 'not according to requirements' included developing in a version of delphi 2 releases higher than we were using, from a pirated CD, and writing the SQL in code rather than in a stored procedure as was required.
___________________________________________ .\\axxx (That's an 'M')
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I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
I'm definitely a proponent of Number 2. My philosophy in the office when there is conflict of pretty much any kind is to focus the attention of team members on the task at hand as opposed to the more personal basis that the issue usually reflects.
I wasn't, now I am, then I won't be anymore.
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Hey, Chris is the boss here. The hamsters are just subordinates. :rolleyes:
If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, I would have recommended something simpler. -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile.
This is going on my arrogant assumptions. You may have a superb reason why I'm completely wrong. -- Iain Clarke
[My articles]CPallini wrote:
The hamsters are just subordinates.
But yet he is at their mercy...
I wasn't, now I am, then I won't be anymore.
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I get the most of point 4 but how will the part about talking to myself on the way back help? :suss:
Illogical thoughts make me ill
I see the subtle humor of your question, but I think it's gonna take most of the folks here a couple minutes to get it. :)
".45 ACP - because shooting twice is just silly" - JSOP, 2010
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You can never have too much ammo - unless you're swimming, or on fire. - JSOP, 2010
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"Why don't you tie a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants won't climb up and eat your candy ass." - Dale Earnhardt, 1997 -
Hey, Chris is the boss here. The hamsters are just subordinates. :rolleyes:
If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, I would have recommended something simpler. -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile.
This is going on my arrogant assumptions. You may have a superb reason why I'm completely wrong. -- Iain Clarke
[My articles] -
CPallini wrote:
Hey, the hamsters are the bosses here. Chris is just a subordinate.
FTFY. :)
Join the cool kids - Come fold with us[^]
Thanks. :-D
If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, I would have recommended something simpler. -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile.
This is going on my arrogant assumptions. You may have a superb reason why I'm completely wrong. -- Iain Clarke
[My articles] -
I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
I saw an aging newspaper clipping on the wall of an office describing Toxic Employees. The only remedial action suggested was termination. A toxic employee can never be re-mediated. If the person does not fit with your team toss them. As for deciding on a plan of action ... are you sure you and the coworker are agreeing on a plan of action? I am reminded of a quote from a movie, "It is not a discussion, it is an argument and you always win" (Kudos to those that guess the Hugh Grant movie that is from) bottom-line if you and a co-worker discuss something and you two disagree as to the course of action and yours is chosen; you should not treat it as an agreement. You should treat it as an order, you are the boss. Stop having 'discussions' when you have already decided a course of action. I only mention this last part because it is a pet-peeve of mine.
Need custom software developed? I do custom programming based primarily on MS tools with an emphasis on C# development and consulting. I also do Android Programming as I find it a refreshing break from the MS. "And they, since they Were not the one dead, turned to their affairs" -- Robert Frost
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I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
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I received a newsletter today with a tip on dealing with passive aggressive colleagues: It can be incredibly frustrating when a co-worker agrees with a plan of action, only to go off and do his own thing. This type of sabotage is all too common and can make it difficult to achieve your goals. When you have a co-worker who says one thing and does another, try this: 1. Give feedback. Explain to your co-worker what you're seeing and experiencing. Describe the impact of his behavior on you and provide suggestions for how he might change. 2. Focus on work, not the person. You need to get the work done despite your peer's style, so don't waste time wishing he would change. Concentrate on completing the work instead. 3. Ask for commitment. At the end of a meeting ask everyone (not just the troublemaker) to reiterate what they are going to do and by when. Sometimes peer pressure can keep even the most passive-aggressive person on task. My experience in this is that if I did that, the passive aggressive behaviour would simply become aggressive behaviour. I can't see this advice being worth the electrons that sent it. What's your experience in this kind of thing?
cheers, Chris Maunder The Code Project | Co-founder Microsoft C++ MVP
When they have publicly agreed to do something and dont, it is normally embarrasing enough such that they wont do it. Of course when I was team leader I used to say "oy, get on with it or you wont get a pay rise!" Blunt, but no bollocks truth doesnt hurt.
"It is a remarkable fact that despite the worldwide expenditure of perhaps US$50 billion since 1990, and the efforts of tens of thousands of scientists worldwide, no human climate signal has yet been detected that is distinct from natural variation." Bob Carter, Research Professor of Geology, James Cook University, Townsville
