Deciphering work emails
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I wish my inbox was this well written. One time I had to call in my boss and we both sat there for about five minutes analyzing what the customer meant word by word. The words were in Dutch, but other than that it made no sense whatsoever. We really went like "all right, last week she said that, so that would mean she probably means that application *opens applications* so she probably means that button..." I'm now my own boss and I get mails like "the report doesn't work." I'm sorry, which of the 100 reports doesn't work? "Sander, I now have the list of products. Can you check which products weren't used in 2019 and which ones we can remove from the list?" As chance would have it, I was doing something with products at that time, but I had not the slightest clue what this guy was going on about. Turned out he emailed the wrong Sander :laugh: Not mentioning all the typo's (or just plain grammar errors because my customers aren't exactly linguists).
Best, Sander sanderrossel.com Migrating Applications to the Cloud with Azure arrgh.js - Bringing LINQ to JavaScript Object-Oriented Programming in C# Succinctly
I got one from our Indian testers / developers. They do speak the King's English down there if I'm not mistaken, but after reading this legendary email 5 times, I still had no idea what was being said / asked. I like emails that have the subject line, "Did you fix the problem in your code?" Shortly thereafter, it is discovered no one told me about the problem ;P
Charlie Gilley <italic>Stuck in a dysfunctional matrix from which I must escape... "Where liberty dwells, there is my country." B. Franklin, 1783 “They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” BF, 1759
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can you update me on your progress? This week I have established the SQL Database on the enterprise server. I have begun to create tables, and stored procedures. Once this is complete, in about a week, I will switch over to building the CRUD Screens. Can please you explain this in simple terms? Keep It Simple, keep it moving.
Be happy about this. When you report to someone who doesn't understand what you do, or who is too senior to spend time on software details, you generally get to set your own priorities and write your own performance evaluation. It's a win-win for you and your manager.
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The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing. -
I’m a little confused absolute rage masked as professional pleasantry This should be more of a listening session for you the politest way I've ever been told to shut up I was under the impression that... I know you're wrong because I know more than you about this topic. Did you mean to say this here? Can you even explain the thought process behind this? Happy to help here! It's my job. I'll do it. Team, let's make sure we're all aligned I have nightmares about hearing this A few things You’ve done it now! Thanks for looping me in You should’ve come to me 10 emails ago and I would’ve saved you 9 emails, dummy. Just circling back on this I just need you to answer! A “yes” or “no” will do! In future, please... In future we won’t be interacting because you’re dead to me. I'll let you two take it from here I'm not part of this and don't want to be. I've attached another copy to this email for your convenience I know you're going to buy yourself time by claiming you lost the previous file. Thanks in advance You don't have a choice. I’m balancing a lot this week Just a quick reminder that I’m not your employee. Thanks for your feedback. I'll be sure to keep it in mind. Your input is irrelevant if not flat out wrong and you know less on the topic than the back end of a donkey, but I have to pretend that I considered your opinion. As previously discussed... I didn’t put it in writing the last time because I thought you were an adult. I wanted to follow up You forgot, didn’t you? Didn’t you? Am I a joke to you?! I hope this helps! Never ask me for anything ever again. Per my last email... Do you even know how to read?!
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The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing. -
I’m a little confused absolute rage masked as professional pleasantry This should be more of a listening session for you the politest way I've ever been told to shut up I was under the impression that... I know you're wrong because I know more than you about this topic. Did you mean to say this here? Can you even explain the thought process behind this? Happy to help here! It's my job. I'll do it. Team, let's make sure we're all aligned I have nightmares about hearing this A few things You’ve done it now! Thanks for looping me in You should’ve come to me 10 emails ago and I would’ve saved you 9 emails, dummy. Just circling back on this I just need you to answer! A “yes” or “no” will do! In future, please... In future we won’t be interacting because you’re dead to me. I'll let you two take it from here I'm not part of this and don't want to be. I've attached another copy to this email for your convenience I know you're going to buy yourself time by claiming you lost the previous file. Thanks in advance You don't have a choice. I’m balancing a lot this week Just a quick reminder that I’m not your employee. Thanks for your feedback. I'll be sure to keep it in mind. Your input is irrelevant if not flat out wrong and you know less on the topic than the back end of a donkey, but I have to pretend that I considered your opinion. As previously discussed... I didn’t put it in writing the last time because I thought you were an adult. I wanted to follow up You forgot, didn’t you? Didn’t you? Am I a joke to you?! I hope this helps! Never ask me for anything ever again. Per my last email... Do you even know how to read?!
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The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing."Let's take this off-line." Either (1) I don't care what you have to say, or (2) tabling this issue in the presence of others is going to be embarrassing for me.
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I’m a little confused absolute rage masked as professional pleasantry This should be more of a listening session for you the politest way I've ever been told to shut up I was under the impression that... I know you're wrong because I know more than you about this topic. Did you mean to say this here? Can you even explain the thought process behind this? Happy to help here! It's my job. I'll do it. Team, let's make sure we're all aligned I have nightmares about hearing this A few things You’ve done it now! Thanks for looping me in You should’ve come to me 10 emails ago and I would’ve saved you 9 emails, dummy. Just circling back on this I just need you to answer! A “yes” or “no” will do! In future, please... In future we won’t be interacting because you’re dead to me. I'll let you two take it from here I'm not part of this and don't want to be. I've attached another copy to this email for your convenience I know you're going to buy yourself time by claiming you lost the previous file. Thanks in advance You don't have a choice. I’m balancing a lot this week Just a quick reminder that I’m not your employee. Thanks for your feedback. I'll be sure to keep it in mind. Your input is irrelevant if not flat out wrong and you know less on the topic than the back end of a donkey, but I have to pretend that I considered your opinion. As previously discussed... I didn’t put it in writing the last time because I thought you were an adult. I wanted to follow up You forgot, didn’t you? Didn’t you? Am I a joke to you?! I hope this helps! Never ask me for anything ever again. Per my last email... Do you even know how to read?!
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The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing.How about, after sending in a rather long report with the explicit instruction to users to "..NOT use product x for comparison purposes as it counts something entirely different from the data in this report" and the absolutely very first responding email starts "..I've just used product x to compare the numbers and they don't tally..."? :sigh:
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I’m a little confused absolute rage masked as professional pleasantry This should be more of a listening session for you the politest way I've ever been told to shut up I was under the impression that... I know you're wrong because I know more than you about this topic. Did you mean to say this here? Can you even explain the thought process behind this? Happy to help here! It's my job. I'll do it. Team, let's make sure we're all aligned I have nightmares about hearing this A few things You’ve done it now! Thanks for looping me in You should’ve come to me 10 emails ago and I would’ve saved you 9 emails, dummy. Just circling back on this I just need you to answer! A “yes” or “no” will do! In future, please... In future we won’t be interacting because you’re dead to me. I'll let you two take it from here I'm not part of this and don't want to be. I've attached another copy to this email for your convenience I know you're going to buy yourself time by claiming you lost the previous file. Thanks in advance You don't have a choice. I’m balancing a lot this week Just a quick reminder that I’m not your employee. Thanks for your feedback. I'll be sure to keep it in mind. Your input is irrelevant if not flat out wrong and you know less on the topic than the back end of a donkey, but I have to pretend that I considered your opinion. As previously discussed... I didn’t put it in writing the last time because I thought you were an adult. I wanted to follow up You forgot, didn’t you? Didn’t you? Am I a joke to you?! I hope this helps! Never ask me for anything ever again. Per my last email... Do you even know how to read?!
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The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing. -
How about, after sending in a rather long report with the explicit instruction to users to "..NOT use product x for comparison purposes as it counts something entirely different from the data in this report" and the absolutely very first responding email starts "..I've just used product x to compare the numbers and they don't tally..."? :sigh:
I think that might fall under "Thanks for your feedback."
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The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing. -
Sander Rossel wrote:
Not mentioning all the typo's (or just plain grammar errors because my customers aren't exactly linguists).
Does that mean that they can't even write their native language?! :omg: I know that is a problem in the US, but I'd never have believed it of a civilized country. :)
Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows. -- 6079 Smith W.
That's exactly what it means. We have one rule in particular that most people don't get, the dreaded "dt rule". The he/she/you form of a verb ends with a T, even if the I form ends with a D. So, for example, "worden" (becoming or turning into) is "ik word" (I become) and "hij wordt" (he becomes), but people have a lot of trouble with getting the dt right (so they write "hij word" instead). Especially since it's "ik werd" and "hij werd" (I/he became), without dt (never use dt for the past). And then, of course, people also use dt where it's not correct, sometimes even in past form. But other spelling is sometimes really awful too. Another thing I notice is that people use Dutch and English, which is a bit weird to be honest. "We moeten afspreken" (We should meet) becomes "We moeten meeten" (with the "meet" from English, but the "en" from afspreken). Some words really don't have a Dutch translation, especially in IT, but when using it in a Dutch sentence, Dutch grammar should still apply :laugh: For example, "ik heb de file geupload" (I have uploaded the file).
Best, Sander sanderrossel.com Migrating Applications to the Cloud with Azure arrgh.js - Bringing LINQ to JavaScript Object-Oriented Programming in C# Succinctly
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can you update me on your progress? This week I have established the SQL Database on the enterprise server. I have begun to create tables, and stored procedures. Once this is complete, in about a week, I will switch over to building the CRUD Screens. Can please you explain this in simple terms? Keep It Simple, keep it moving.
:) Send a Progress-bar graphic at some estimated percent complete. Perhaps with some text like ‘Installing Tables’ I’m so glad I retired from all that.
Time is the differentiation of eternity devised by man to measure the passage of human events. - Manly P. Hall Mark Just another cog in the wheel
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How about, after sending in a rather long report with the explicit instruction to users to "..NOT use product x for comparison purposes as it counts something entirely different from the data in this report" and the absolutely very first responding email starts "..I've just used product x to compare the numbers and they don't tally..."? :sigh:
People are so busy that they can't take time to READ emails. You provide someone with detailed instructions and you get a question that is addressed in the first sentence of the email they have supposedly read. I guess that is why we are developers, we know how to deal with the details and they don't. :)
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I’m a little confused absolute rage masked as professional pleasantry This should be more of a listening session for you the politest way I've ever been told to shut up I was under the impression that... I know you're wrong because I know more than you about this topic. Did you mean to say this here? Can you even explain the thought process behind this? Happy to help here! It's my job. I'll do it. Team, let's make sure we're all aligned I have nightmares about hearing this A few things You’ve done it now! Thanks for looping me in You should’ve come to me 10 emails ago and I would’ve saved you 9 emails, dummy. Just circling back on this I just need you to answer! A “yes” or “no” will do! In future, please... In future we won’t be interacting because you’re dead to me. I'll let you two take it from here I'm not part of this and don't want to be. I've attached another copy to this email for your convenience I know you're going to buy yourself time by claiming you lost the previous file. Thanks in advance You don't have a choice. I’m balancing a lot this week Just a quick reminder that I’m not your employee. Thanks for your feedback. I'll be sure to keep it in mind. Your input is irrelevant if not flat out wrong and you know less on the topic than the back end of a donkey, but I have to pretend that I considered your opinion. As previously discussed... I didn’t put it in writing the last time because I thought you were an adult. I wanted to follow up You forgot, didn’t you? Didn’t you? Am I a joke to you?! I hope this helps! Never ask me for anything ever again. Per my last email... Do you even know how to read?!
Robust Services Core | Software Techniques for Lemmings | Articles
The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing. -
I’m a little confused absolute rage masked as professional pleasantry This should be more of a listening session for you the politest way I've ever been told to shut up I was under the impression that... I know you're wrong because I know more than you about this topic. Did you mean to say this here? Can you even explain the thought process behind this? Happy to help here! It's my job. I'll do it. Team, let's make sure we're all aligned I have nightmares about hearing this A few things You’ve done it now! Thanks for looping me in You should’ve come to me 10 emails ago and I would’ve saved you 9 emails, dummy. Just circling back on this I just need you to answer! A “yes” or “no” will do! In future, please... In future we won’t be interacting because you’re dead to me. I'll let you two take it from here I'm not part of this and don't want to be. I've attached another copy to this email for your convenience I know you're going to buy yourself time by claiming you lost the previous file. Thanks in advance You don't have a choice. I’m balancing a lot this week Just a quick reminder that I’m not your employee. Thanks for your feedback. I'll be sure to keep it in mind. Your input is irrelevant if not flat out wrong and you know less on the topic than the back end of a donkey, but I have to pretend that I considered your opinion. As previously discussed... I didn’t put it in writing the last time because I thought you were an adult. I wanted to follow up You forgot, didn’t you? Didn’t you? Am I a joke to you?! I hope this helps! Never ask me for anything ever again. Per my last email... Do you even know how to read?!
Robust Services Core | Software Techniques for Lemmings | Articles
The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing.
