Some random jokes I dug up
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Driving to Italy This group of Germans is driving to Italy. They are stopped at the border crossing by a border guard. "You a canta comea intoa Italy witha fivea people inna car," says the guard. "Vy not?" asks the German driver. "Issa Audi Quattro. Youa canna havea fivea people inna Audi Quattro." "Vot? Zis is ridiculous." "No. Issa law. Quattro meansa four. You canna havea five inna car madea fora four." "I vont to talk to your superior," says the driver. "At least zat vay ve talk to someone vis intelligence." "Youa canna talka toa him," replies the guard. "He'sa busy witha two guys inna Fiat Uno." One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age." The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try. "Pull down your pants," she says. He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old." "That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?" "You told me yesterday." 25 RULES THAT GUYS WISH WOMEN KNEW If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Get rid of your cat. Sunday = Sports. Anything you wear is fine. Really. Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. You have too many shoes. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -not both. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. You have enough clothes. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
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Driving to Italy This group of Germans is driving to Italy. They are stopped at the border crossing by a border guard. "You a canta comea intoa Italy witha fivea people inna car," says the guard. "Vy not?" asks the German driver. "Issa Audi Quattro. Youa canna havea fivea people inna Audi Quattro." "Vot? Zis is ridiculous." "No. Issa law. Quattro meansa four. You canna havea five inna car madea fora four." "I vont to talk to your superior," says the driver. "At least zat vay ve talk to someone vis intelligence." "Youa canna talka toa him," replies the guard. "He'sa busy witha two guys inna Fiat Uno." One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age." The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try. "Pull down your pants," she says. He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old." "That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?" "You told me yesterday." 25 RULES THAT GUYS WISH WOMEN KNEW If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Get rid of your cat. Sunday = Sports. Anything you wear is fine. Really. Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. You have too many shoes. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -not both. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. You have enough clothes. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
Michael Schubert wrote:
Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
True. Also... "What do you mean we don't talk to each other anymore? Just five minutes ago I told you to shut up!"
------------------------------------ "Men may make bad decisions, immoral decisions or just plain wrong decisions, but at least they make decisions. Women on the other hand..." Patrick Kielty 2006