Some DBA jokes
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Being a DBA, I think I can get away with posting something like this. 1. How many DBAs does it take to make a joke about DBAs? One, especially if he shows up for work. 2. How many DBAs does it take to change a lightbulb? Five, one to propose a change, three to criticise the expected performance, and one to implement the change- which requires a forceful upward screwing motion. 3. A DBA dies and goes to hell. A top demon takes him to an office. The demon sits him in a chair and tells him "Stay!". He waits while the demon starts to fill out paperwork. Suddenly he hears from an adjacent office: "You call that sql? That's not sql that's just typing!" The demon flinches but doesn't look up. The DBA asks the demon timidly; "Was that a DBA?" "Not exactly, that's Satan. But he hasn't been tolerable since he decided to take over the database." 4. Why do developers put a Database Administrator's handbook in their car? So they can park in the handicapped spot. 5. What do you call someone who hangs around with computer professionals? A DBA. 6. DBA walks into a bar and asks for a job. When the woman behind the bar finds out he's a DBA she says: "I can't have a DBA in here. All of you are weird. The last one claimed he could reorganize tables, improve our view, and was used to working with servers. But halfway through the interview he started claiming that my form wasn't normal and I had to kick him out."
_____________________________ Give a man a mug, he drinks for a day. Teach a man to mug... The difference between an ostrich and the average voter is where they stick their heads.
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Being a DBA, I think I can get away with posting something like this. 1. How many DBAs does it take to make a joke about DBAs? One, especially if he shows up for work. 2. How many DBAs does it take to change a lightbulb? Five, one to propose a change, three to criticise the expected performance, and one to implement the change- which requires a forceful upward screwing motion. 3. A DBA dies and goes to hell. A top demon takes him to an office. The demon sits him in a chair and tells him "Stay!". He waits while the demon starts to fill out paperwork. Suddenly he hears from an adjacent office: "You call that sql? That's not sql that's just typing!" The demon flinches but doesn't look up. The DBA asks the demon timidly; "Was that a DBA?" "Not exactly, that's Satan. But he hasn't been tolerable since he decided to take over the database." 4. Why do developers put a Database Administrator's handbook in their car? So they can park in the handicapped spot. 5. What do you call someone who hangs around with computer professionals? A DBA. 6. DBA walks into a bar and asks for a job. When the woman behind the bar finds out he's a DBA she says: "I can't have a DBA in here. All of you are weird. The last one claimed he could reorganize tables, improve our view, and was used to working with servers. But halfway through the interview he started claiming that my form wasn't normal and I had to kick him out."
_____________________________ Give a man a mug, he drinks for a day. Teach a man to mug... The difference between an ostrich and the average voter is where they stick their heads.
Q. What do you call a DBA with a sense of humor? A. Mythicalsmcnulty2000
MVVM# - See how I did MVVM my way ___________________________________________ Man, you're a god. - walterhevedeich 26/05/2011 .\\axxx (That's an 'M')
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Being a DBA, I think I can get away with posting something like this. 1. How many DBAs does it take to make a joke about DBAs? One, especially if he shows up for work. 2. How many DBAs does it take to change a lightbulb? Five, one to propose a change, three to criticise the expected performance, and one to implement the change- which requires a forceful upward screwing motion. 3. A DBA dies and goes to hell. A top demon takes him to an office. The demon sits him in a chair and tells him "Stay!". He waits while the demon starts to fill out paperwork. Suddenly he hears from an adjacent office: "You call that sql? That's not sql that's just typing!" The demon flinches but doesn't look up. The DBA asks the demon timidly; "Was that a DBA?" "Not exactly, that's Satan. But he hasn't been tolerable since he decided to take over the database." 4. Why do developers put a Database Administrator's handbook in their car? So they can park in the handicapped spot. 5. What do you call someone who hangs around with computer professionals? A DBA. 6. DBA walks into a bar and asks for a job. When the woman behind the bar finds out he's a DBA she says: "I can't have a DBA in here. All of you are weird. The last one claimed he could reorganize tables, improve our view, and was used to working with servers. But halfway through the interview he started claiming that my form wasn't normal and I had to kick him out."
_____________________________ Give a man a mug, he drinks for a day. Teach a man to mug... The difference between an ostrich and the average voter is where they stick their heads.
A DBA goes out of his visual studio to go to the InitPub and asks for a large Table with a View. The localhost, who is also the enterprise manager here, points with his index finger: “Why don’t you join those two tables over there? “. The DBA takes a quick lookup and says, “They are looking very user friendly, but I’m not sure if they are into a union”. The localhost insists: “They are nice looking models, this is a hint”. ” Ok, ” says the DBA, “but I think they are very interested in a commit, and I am only interested in a loose connection and a little transaction. I think I’m not the type for such good looking relational model”. The localhost turns around, just saying ” Well, access with integrity” and goes on with his services. The DBA goes to the tables. ” Hello, what can i get you?” The response is a bit cold: “We like our usual ACID. But for the record, I don’t like to abort, so you’d better roll back to where you came from”. The DBA was a bit or 8 shocked by this result. “Oh! But we could have a shared memory together” he says. “how about a replication?”. ” Nope, it’s runtime for you now. Out!” That triggers the DBA to leave immediately; he doesn’t even want to make a snapshot, and walks out. “I need to recover” he thought, “I’m standalone again, but that’s okay. Two tables? Such relation would have been one-too- many for me anyway….”
It's an OO world.
public class Naerling : Lazy<Person>{
public void DoWork(){ throw new NotImplementedException(); }
} -
A DBA goes out of his visual studio to go to the InitPub and asks for a large Table with a View. The localhost, who is also the enterprise manager here, points with his index finger: “Why don’t you join those two tables over there? “. The DBA takes a quick lookup and says, “They are looking very user friendly, but I’m not sure if they are into a union”. The localhost insists: “They are nice looking models, this is a hint”. ” Ok, ” says the DBA, “but I think they are very interested in a commit, and I am only interested in a loose connection and a little transaction. I think I’m not the type for such good looking relational model”. The localhost turns around, just saying ” Well, access with integrity” and goes on with his services. The DBA goes to the tables. ” Hello, what can i get you?” The response is a bit cold: “We like our usual ACID. But for the record, I don’t like to abort, so you’d better roll back to where you came from”. The DBA was a bit or 8 shocked by this result. “Oh! But we could have a shared memory together” he says. “how about a replication?”. ” Nope, it’s runtime for you now. Out!” That triggers the DBA to leave immediately; he doesn’t even want to make a snapshot, and walks out. “I need to recover” he thought, “I’m standalone again, but that’s okay. Two tables? Such relation would have been one-too- many for me anyway….”
It's an OO world.
public class Naerling : Lazy<Person>{
public void DoWork(){ throw new NotImplementedException(); }
}Very good story, wish I could vote more than 5 for that. :laugh:
Why can't I be applicable like John? - Me, April 2011
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Beidh ceol, caint agus craic againn - Seán Bán Breathnach
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Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo!
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Just because a thing is new don’t mean that it’s better - Will Rogers, September 4, 1932 -
Being a DBA, I think I can get away with posting something like this. 1. How many DBAs does it take to make a joke about DBAs? One, especially if he shows up for work. 2. How many DBAs does it take to change a lightbulb? Five, one to propose a change, three to criticise the expected performance, and one to implement the change- which requires a forceful upward screwing motion. 3. A DBA dies and goes to hell. A top demon takes him to an office. The demon sits him in a chair and tells him "Stay!". He waits while the demon starts to fill out paperwork. Suddenly he hears from an adjacent office: "You call that sql? That's not sql that's just typing!" The demon flinches but doesn't look up. The DBA asks the demon timidly; "Was that a DBA?" "Not exactly, that's Satan. But he hasn't been tolerable since he decided to take over the database." 4. Why do developers put a Database Administrator's handbook in their car? So they can park in the handicapped spot. 5. What do you call someone who hangs around with computer professionals? A DBA. 6. DBA walks into a bar and asks for a job. When the woman behind the bar finds out he's a DBA she says: "I can't have a DBA in here. All of you are weird. The last one claimed he could reorganize tables, improve our view, and was used to working with servers. But halfway through the interview he started claiming that my form wasn't normal and I had to kick him out."
_____________________________ Give a man a mug, he drinks for a day. Teach a man to mug... The difference between an ostrich and the average voter is where they stick their heads.
Loved it :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Espen Harlinn Senior Architect, Software - Goodtech Projects & Services My LinkedIn Profile
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A DBA goes out of his visual studio to go to the InitPub and asks for a large Table with a View. The localhost, who is also the enterprise manager here, points with his index finger: “Why don’t you join those two tables over there? “. The DBA takes a quick lookup and says, “They are looking very user friendly, but I’m not sure if they are into a union”. The localhost insists: “They are nice looking models, this is a hint”. ” Ok, ” says the DBA, “but I think they are very interested in a commit, and I am only interested in a loose connection and a little transaction. I think I’m not the type for such good looking relational model”. The localhost turns around, just saying ” Well, access with integrity” and goes on with his services. The DBA goes to the tables. ” Hello, what can i get you?” The response is a bit cold: “We like our usual ACID. But for the record, I don’t like to abort, so you’d better roll back to where you came from”. The DBA was a bit or 8 shocked by this result. “Oh! But we could have a shared memory together” he says. “how about a replication?”. ” Nope, it’s runtime for you now. Out!” That triggers the DBA to leave immediately; he doesn’t even want to make a snapshot, and walks out. “I need to recover” he thought, “I’m standalone again, but that’s okay. Two tables? Such relation would have been one-too- many for me anyway….”
It's an OO world.
public class Naerling : Lazy<Person>{
public void DoWork(){ throw new NotImplementedException(); }
}You sr just won the internetz! :D
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Being a DBA, I think I can get away with posting something like this. 1. How many DBAs does it take to make a joke about DBAs? One, especially if he shows up for work. 2. How many DBAs does it take to change a lightbulb? Five, one to propose a change, three to criticise the expected performance, and one to implement the change- which requires a forceful upward screwing motion. 3. A DBA dies and goes to hell. A top demon takes him to an office. The demon sits him in a chair and tells him "Stay!". He waits while the demon starts to fill out paperwork. Suddenly he hears from an adjacent office: "You call that sql? That's not sql that's just typing!" The demon flinches but doesn't look up. The DBA asks the demon timidly; "Was that a DBA?" "Not exactly, that's Satan. But he hasn't been tolerable since he decided to take over the database." 4. Why do developers put a Database Administrator's handbook in their car? So they can park in the handicapped spot. 5. What do you call someone who hangs around with computer professionals? A DBA. 6. DBA walks into a bar and asks for a job. When the woman behind the bar finds out he's a DBA she says: "I can't have a DBA in here. All of you are weird. The last one claimed he could reorganize tables, improve our view, and was used to working with servers. But halfway through the interview he started claiming that my form wasn't normal and I had to kick him out."
_____________________________ Give a man a mug, he drinks for a day. Teach a man to mug... The difference between an ostrich and the average voter is where they stick their heads.
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Being a DBA, I think I can get away with posting something like this. 1. How many DBAs does it take to make a joke about DBAs? One, especially if he shows up for work. 2. How many DBAs does it take to change a lightbulb? Five, one to propose a change, three to criticise the expected performance, and one to implement the change- which requires a forceful upward screwing motion. 3. A DBA dies and goes to hell. A top demon takes him to an office. The demon sits him in a chair and tells him "Stay!". He waits while the demon starts to fill out paperwork. Suddenly he hears from an adjacent office: "You call that sql? That's not sql that's just typing!" The demon flinches but doesn't look up. The DBA asks the demon timidly; "Was that a DBA?" "Not exactly, that's Satan. But he hasn't been tolerable since he decided to take over the database." 4. Why do developers put a Database Administrator's handbook in their car? So they can park in the handicapped spot. 5. What do you call someone who hangs around with computer professionals? A DBA. 6. DBA walks into a bar and asks for a job. When the woman behind the bar finds out he's a DBA she says: "I can't have a DBA in here. All of you are weird. The last one claimed he could reorganize tables, improve our view, and was used to working with servers. But halfway through the interview he started claiming that my form wasn't normal and I had to kick him out."
_____________________________ Give a man a mug, he drinks for a day. Teach a man to mug... The difference between an ostrich and the average voter is where they stick their heads.
Awesome, hadnt heard any of these! If i wasnt so happy on irish coffee I would take defense! here are some more oracle based ones. http://www.orafaq.com/wiki/Fun\_stuff DB2 doesn't make funnies!
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Awesome, hadnt heard any of these! If i wasnt so happy on irish coffee I would take defense! here are some more oracle based ones. http://www.orafaq.com/wiki/Fun\_stuff DB2 doesn't make funnies!
good god all the names are taken wrote:
Awesome, hadnt heard any of these!
Two are rip-offs of jokes about Drummers. One is inspired by another joke but is new. The others are baked fresh.
_____________________________ Give a man a mug, he drinks for a day. Teach a man to mug... The difference between an ostrich and the average voter is where they stick their heads.
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And so I am. Some of my creds: OCP, 8i. Sql Server experience for years now- I'd have to check my resume. 18+ years database experience. Can get along and enjoy working with MySQL, and SQLite. Years and years with MS-Access. Currently working in a shop next to 12 DBAs, mix of production and dev dbas. Glad to know ya!
_____________________________ Give a man a mug, he drinks for a day. Teach a man to mug... The difference between an ostrich and the average voter is where they stick their heads.
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Being a DBA, I think I can get away with posting something like this. 1. How many DBAs does it take to make a joke about DBAs? One, especially if he shows up for work. 2. How many DBAs does it take to change a lightbulb? Five, one to propose a change, three to criticise the expected performance, and one to implement the change- which requires a forceful upward screwing motion. 3. A DBA dies and goes to hell. A top demon takes him to an office. The demon sits him in a chair and tells him "Stay!". He waits while the demon starts to fill out paperwork. Suddenly he hears from an adjacent office: "You call that sql? That's not sql that's just typing!" The demon flinches but doesn't look up. The DBA asks the demon timidly; "Was that a DBA?" "Not exactly, that's Satan. But he hasn't been tolerable since he decided to take over the database." 4. Why do developers put a Database Administrator's handbook in their car? So they can park in the handicapped spot. 5. What do you call someone who hangs around with computer professionals? A DBA. 6. DBA walks into a bar and asks for a job. When the woman behind the bar finds out he's a DBA she says: "I can't have a DBA in here. All of you are weird. The last one claimed he could reorganize tables, improve our view, and was used to working with servers. But halfway through the interview he started claiming that my form wasn't normal and I had to kick him out."
_____________________________ Give a man a mug, he drinks for a day. Teach a man to mug... The difference between an ostrich and the average voter is where they stick their heads.
Reminds me of when I had just joined a new group, they gave me access to some DBs and asked me to "see what I could see". (I had worked with the group while working for another group and they had liked the answers I came up with there.) I printed the schemas for one of the DBs, was going through it, and I suddenly was laughing. I'm reading SQL schema, and I'm laughing. That was a new experience for me. Why was I laughing? I had seen normalization rules mashed, kicked around, and tromped on before. They could all be explained away by either ignorance or studied/justified exception to the rule applications. I had never encountered a table that violated every normalization rule I could think of and throw in some best practice violations to boot. The only explanation that made sense was that the developer knew the rules so he could violate so many all in one place. That was what tickled my funny bone. That couldn't have been an accident, somebody went out of their way to violate every rule they could think of. Well, the joke was on me. I took the schema to my manager so he could share in the joke. He asked me to forward this schema to his manager. I picked the last of 31 tables, put "Interesting Schema" in the E-mail title, sent it to his manager and CC'd mine. Forgot about it. A couple of weeks later, I got a call from a livid manager. To be honest, he had a right to be livid and since he couldn't do a thing about the person he should be mad at, I let him holler at me since I started the ball rolling. I was really thankful that I didn't report to him, because if I had, I think he would have fired me. Seems my manager's manager had a meeting of managers and sprang this table in the meeting as an example of really poor SQL design. Personally, that still should have happened, but after the manager was told ahead of time what was going to happen to him. He's telling me how valuable these tables are and are currently being used. I'm thinking maybe on your databases, but how valuable are 31 tables dated from December 1 through the 31'st of last year to what is going on now in July? (One of the normalization rules is to not put data in a table name. When I read that, I thought, who would be dumb enough to do that? I hadn't yet run into several thousand log tables dated to the millisecond for 6 months of data.)
