A letter to Santa
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Dear Santa, How are you? I am fine. How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from reindeer to elves, is fine. I've been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box One with Halo Xbox One and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that, come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones --------------------------------------------- Dear Timmy, Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and the elves are all fine and send their thanks to you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can play with outside. Merry Christmas, Santa Claus --------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract set by you, I'm confident that you can see your way clear to granting me my simple request. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Plus, isn't a jibe about my weight rather trite, coming from an overweight man who only goes outside once a year? Respectfully, Tim Jones --------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Jones, While I acknowledge you meet the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way a guarantee of services provided? Should you wish to pursue legal action, that is your right, but know that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than pleased to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise to which I alluded will not only improve your health, but also your social skills and potentially your complexion, which most days looks like the bottom of a Burger King fry bin. Very Truly Yours, S Claus --------------------------------------------- Look here, Fat Man: I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I tried to be polite but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you're just disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my buds. We'll be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN! T-Bone --------------------------------------------- Listen Pizza Face, Seriously? You think a dude who can break into every house in the world in one night without getting caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? Remember that "sees you when you're sleeping, knows