Assuming Russell is actually using DOS (we still have machinery running DOS exclusively on 386 and 486 machines), I think Henry's idea is probably the best place to start. The DOS ? and * wildcard characters don't always give exactly the expected results.

We ended up trashing 3 nice big workgroup type printers over a period of 2 years due to all the accumulated ink and garbage falling off the "recycled" paper. Our savings of a few reams of paper cost about $22000. At $40/box for paper, that's a lot of paper we had to save.

It's a good one nonetheless.

We have the no food at desk policy as well, along with the instructions for how to sneeze correctly and wash hands correctly posted at many points throughout the building. We are fortunate, too, that our company cares enough that they went through the office and removed all coat racks due to the protruding posts that the coats hang on. These are a clear and present danger to everyone and could potentially poke your eye out.