From My Book...
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So I'm writing a murder novel. Here's a snippet. I'd like your feedback please. Sorry, the formatting isn't too good...
The Priest turned on his cell phone and it immediately buzzed. He tapped the instant message icon and saw a new unread message from the day before:
“As Elijah was taken to heaven, so shall we. Praise be to God. I suggest you read
2 Kings 2:11”."“Thank you, I will Brother.” he replied, “God Bless”
He tapped the delete icon and the message disappeared. He then turned off the phone, opened the cover, and removed the SIM chip, dropped it into the toilet and flushed. He got dressed and left, dropping the burn phone into his neighbor’s trash.
20 minutes later he exited the 40 onto St. Joseph’s Drive and pulled into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, parked and went inside. The Center consisted of a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and a Bible study center. In the study center there was a reading room and he pulled open the door and went in. There were a few people sitting at tables reading and working on laptops, and no one paid him any attention, save for the one casual glance as he walked by. It was not unusual for the general public to come use the Center’s study room for personal or educational study. It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes.
There was a collection of old gilded bibles and other study materials on wooden shelves against the back wall. He removed a large King James Bible from the bottom row and flipped open to 2 Kings 2:11. In between the sheaves of manuscript was an 8” x 11” sealed envelope with no markings. He removed it, replaced the bible, and left.
He returned to the car and tore the end off the envelope and tipped it up, sliding out the contents. In the envelope was a 5” x 7” photo of an older Japanese man, and 3” x 5” card with a Japanese name and an address typed on it, and nothing else. He didn’t expect there to be more, as there never was.
The Priest was really a nickname he had acquired while in the Special Forces. Like most SpecOps guys he was proficient in a number of trades, but his religious principles had been something unique to him in his team, and the other members had taken to calling him “Father” and then later “Priest”. Some would even come talk to him when the chaplain wasn’t around. He maintained his faith and biblical studies while in the Army, but after he got out he gradually d
Well, first of all, just a little typo that you missed: "It was well lit, quite, and out of the way" Other than that, I think you could use a more personal and detailed point of view for the main character. You have some good visual description, but don't forget the other senses! Try describing the tactile feel of things (the smooth, polished wood of the pews?), the scents in the air (candles?), the sounds ("quiet" says something, the soft murmur of private prayers says more). These kinds of things can really ground the reader and help them feel like they are experiencing the world through the eyes of the protagonist. Keep in mind that this sort of writing isn't journalism, keep the exposition to a minimum, you aren't just telling a story you are building a world. For instance, instead of explaining his military background, how about a flashback to those days showing how he got his nickname? Don't be afraid to devote a whole chapter to that kind of thing. The general rule is show don't tell, the reader wants to experience the story not just be told what happens. Good luck with your virtual murder :)
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I agree with much of what the previous posters say about readability. It might help to get someone to read it back to you. A good way is for them to record their reading so that your influence is minimised. Then listen to it when you can really concentrate on what they are saying. Obviously this is a big commitment from whoever you get to read it back, so alternatively record yourself reading it and listen later, maybe after you have written some more and are less familiar with your earlier prose. Another alternative is to use some text to speech software. There are some free online but they have quite small limits: Try http://text-to-speech.imtranslator.net/ One very useful aspect of text-to-speech is that it follows the punctuation; so when it sounds odd, it might indicate that you've missed out a crucial comma/stop/new paragraph - or added one too many. Someone mentioned earlier that the effect was "staccato". If this is intentional that's fine but beware - quirky prose style requires that the rest is good and hopefully very good - otherwise it will just appear stilted and badly constructed. If in doubt go for mainstream style and construction - keep it safe, get it right, learn, improve and THEN experiment. I noticed some strange constructions too: "dropping the burn phone into his neighbor’s trash" - What exactly IS a burn phone? "He maintained his faith and biblical studies while in the Army" Is there such a thing as "faith and bible studies"? "and lit both on fire" - Just sounds weird.
There is only one rule in grammar: 1) There are no rules in grammar. Note: There are however guidelines for each particular variety of language. These guidelines vary wildly and can often be ignored. If it sounds OK to you and your audience then it is OK.
Sc3pt1c4l wrote:
What exactly IS a burn phone?
I think he means burner phone, which is a disposable pre-paid phone.
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Sc3pt1c4l wrote:
What exactly IS a burn phone?
I think he means burner phone, which is a disposable pre-paid phone.
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So I'm writing a murder novel. Here's a snippet. I'd like your feedback please. Sorry, the formatting isn't too good...
The Priest turned on his cell phone and it immediately buzzed. He tapped the instant message icon and saw a new unread message from the day before:
“As Elijah was taken to heaven, so shall we. Praise be to God. I suggest you read
2 Kings 2:11”."“Thank you, I will Brother.” he replied, “God Bless”
He tapped the delete icon and the message disappeared. He then turned off the phone, opened the cover, and removed the SIM chip, dropped it into the toilet and flushed. He got dressed and left, dropping the burn phone into his neighbor’s trash.
20 minutes later he exited the 40 onto St. Joseph’s Drive and pulled into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, parked and went inside. The Center consisted of a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and a Bible study center. In the study center there was a reading room and he pulled open the door and went in. There were a few people sitting at tables reading and working on laptops, and no one paid him any attention, save for the one casual glance as he walked by. It was not unusual for the general public to come use the Center’s study room for personal or educational study. It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes.
There was a collection of old gilded bibles and other study materials on wooden shelves against the back wall. He removed a large King James Bible from the bottom row and flipped open to 2 Kings 2:11. In between the sheaves of manuscript was an 8” x 11” sealed envelope with no markings. He removed it, replaced the bible, and left.
He returned to the car and tore the end off the envelope and tipped it up, sliding out the contents. In the envelope was a 5” x 7” photo of an older Japanese man, and 3” x 5” card with a Japanese name and an address typed on it, and nothing else. He didn’t expect there to be more, as there never was.
The Priest was really a nickname he had acquired while in the Special Forces. Like most SpecOps guys he was proficient in a number of trades, but his religious principles had been something unique to him in his team, and the other members had taken to calling him “Father” and then later “Priest”. Some would even come talk to him when the chaplain wasn’t around. He maintained his faith and biblical studies while in the Army, but after he got out he gradually d
One can do no better than to repeat Elmore Leonard's sage advice. If it sounds like writing, rewrite it! It certainly applies here. You could also take note of his preference for economy. Once we've seen the protagonist entering the parking lot we really don't need to be told that he parked. If he did something unusual like speeding round the lot on only two wheels then by all means tell us that but parking .. well, duh. And if the exact road he turned off is of no significance to the story at a later point, who cares? Similarly we can cope without being told that he opened a door to go into a room unless there's something about the door of note (it's locked, it's smeared with blood, it's got no handle, whatever). Although I wouldn't advocate going to the present tense necessarily you should certainly modify your use of what Greek scholars would call the aorist; the absolute, single event, past. It is that which gives it the staccato feel which others have commented on. Use the imperfect and participles to give the sense of continuing action. Here's my very quick rewrite of the first part as a guide to what I'm trying to say. You'll notice that I've cut out a lot of extraneous detail and a few logical errors (there's nothing about being well lit that makes the reading room ideal for him surely?) to keep the story moving. But even then I wouldn't be content to say this was the finished article. I'd expect to do at least one (and probably more) rewrite before I'd even consider letting an editor see it. The burner phone in the Priest's hand buzzed with a new message as soon as he turned it on. It read ... "As Elijah was taken to Heaven so we shall be. Praise be to God. 2 Kings 2:11" Deleting the message and shutting down the power, he flipped the phone and removed the SIM card before flushing it down the toilet. The phone he would dispose of later in some stranger's trash. Twenty minutes later he was pulling into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and the Bible study facility to which he was headed. In the reading room, sleepy quiet and out of the way (ideal for his purposes), he passed by the few people reading or working on laptops barely noticed. Amongst the collection of gilded Bibles and study guides against the back wall he selected a large King James and slipped out a plain envelope from the pages of 2 Kings 2. After hiding it in his coat and pausing long enough to deflect any suspicio
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One can do no better than to repeat Elmore Leonard's sage advice. If it sounds like writing, rewrite it! It certainly applies here. You could also take note of his preference for economy. Once we've seen the protagonist entering the parking lot we really don't need to be told that he parked. If he did something unusual like speeding round the lot on only two wheels then by all means tell us that but parking .. well, duh. And if the exact road he turned off is of no significance to the story at a later point, who cares? Similarly we can cope without being told that he opened a door to go into a room unless there's something about the door of note (it's locked, it's smeared with blood, it's got no handle, whatever). Although I wouldn't advocate going to the present tense necessarily you should certainly modify your use of what Greek scholars would call the aorist; the absolute, single event, past. It is that which gives it the staccato feel which others have commented on. Use the imperfect and participles to give the sense of continuing action. Here's my very quick rewrite of the first part as a guide to what I'm trying to say. You'll notice that I've cut out a lot of extraneous detail and a few logical errors (there's nothing about being well lit that makes the reading room ideal for him surely?) to keep the story moving. But even then I wouldn't be content to say this was the finished article. I'd expect to do at least one (and probably more) rewrite before I'd even consider letting an editor see it. The burner phone in the Priest's hand buzzed with a new message as soon as he turned it on. It read ... "As Elijah was taken to Heaven so we shall be. Praise be to God. 2 Kings 2:11" Deleting the message and shutting down the power, he flipped the phone and removed the SIM card before flushing it down the toilet. The phone he would dispose of later in some stranger's trash. Twenty minutes later he was pulling into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and the Bible study facility to which he was headed. In the reading room, sleepy quiet and out of the way (ideal for his purposes), he passed by the few people reading or working on laptops barely noticed. Amongst the collection of gilded Bibles and study guides against the back wall he selected a large King James and slipped out a plain envelope from the pages of 2 Kings 2. After hiding it in his coat and pausing long enough to deflect any suspicio
Wow. Excellent advice. Thank you
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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So I'm writing a murder novel. Here's a snippet. I'd like your feedback please. Sorry, the formatting isn't too good...
The Priest turned on his cell phone and it immediately buzzed. He tapped the instant message icon and saw a new unread message from the day before:
“As Elijah was taken to heaven, so shall we. Praise be to God. I suggest you read
2 Kings 2:11”."“Thank you, I will Brother.” he replied, “God Bless”
He tapped the delete icon and the message disappeared. He then turned off the phone, opened the cover, and removed the SIM chip, dropped it into the toilet and flushed. He got dressed and left, dropping the burn phone into his neighbor’s trash.
20 minutes later he exited the 40 onto St. Joseph’s Drive and pulled into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, parked and went inside. The Center consisted of a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and a Bible study center. In the study center there was a reading room and he pulled open the door and went in. There were a few people sitting at tables reading and working on laptops, and no one paid him any attention, save for the one casual glance as he walked by. It was not unusual for the general public to come use the Center’s study room for personal or educational study. It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes.
There was a collection of old gilded bibles and other study materials on wooden shelves against the back wall. He removed a large King James Bible from the bottom row and flipped open to 2 Kings 2:11. In between the sheaves of manuscript was an 8” x 11” sealed envelope with no markings. He removed it, replaced the bible, and left.
He returned to the car and tore the end off the envelope and tipped it up, sliding out the contents. In the envelope was a 5” x 7” photo of an older Japanese man, and 3” x 5” card with a Japanese name and an address typed on it, and nothing else. He didn’t expect there to be more, as there never was.
The Priest was really a nickname he had acquired while in the Special Forces. Like most SpecOps guys he was proficient in a number of trades, but his religious principles had been something unique to him in his team, and the other members had taken to calling him “Father” and then later “Priest”. Some would even come talk to him when the chaplain wasn’t around. He maintained his faith and biblical studies while in the Army, but after he got out he gradually d
You misspelled "quiet" as "quite". Sorry, my OCD acting up. It's too long, with not enough motion. Why do I need all this info here and now. You could have established his "priest" persona more rapidly. All the detail just slows down the pace. Maybe at this point, you require the pace to be slow and methodical, but I don't sense that. Try saying all the same stuff in half the words. Concentrate on the scene, for versimilitude, or concentrate on the character's experiences. What does he *think* on entering the church. How does it affect him. Does it bring back memories? This will help you elucidate his past, which I assume you need to do, without requiring so much overt recitation of fact. Don't spend too many words getting the geeky stuff right. Why not remove the battery and keep the phone? Why not leave the thing turned on and drop it in a dumpster (oops, that's Dumpster)? Why not toss it into the bay? The particular way he disposed of the phone either directly furthers the plot (like the police find it and run fingerprints), or it's irrelevant, in which case why waste words on it ("...disposed of the burner phone...". Too many words is a bigger problem for authors than not enough words. Don't worry, you'll fill your allotment of pages.
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You misspelled "quiet" as "quite". Sorry, my OCD acting up. It's too long, with not enough motion. Why do I need all this info here and now. You could have established his "priest" persona more rapidly. All the detail just slows down the pace. Maybe at this point, you require the pace to be slow and methodical, but I don't sense that. Try saying all the same stuff in half the words. Concentrate on the scene, for versimilitude, or concentrate on the character's experiences. What does he *think* on entering the church. How does it affect him. Does it bring back memories? This will help you elucidate his past, which I assume you need to do, without requiring so much overt recitation of fact. Don't spend too many words getting the geeky stuff right. Why not remove the battery and keep the phone? Why not leave the thing turned on and drop it in a dumpster (oops, that's Dumpster)? Why not toss it into the bay? The particular way he disposed of the phone either directly furthers the plot (like the police find it and run fingerprints), or it's irrelevant, in which case why waste words on it ("...disposed of the burner phone...". Too many words is a bigger problem for authors than not enough words. Don't worry, you'll fill your allotment of pages.
Thank you
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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One can do no better than to repeat Elmore Leonard's sage advice. If it sounds like writing, rewrite it! It certainly applies here. You could also take note of his preference for economy. Once we've seen the protagonist entering the parking lot we really don't need to be told that he parked. If he did something unusual like speeding round the lot on only two wheels then by all means tell us that but parking .. well, duh. And if the exact road he turned off is of no significance to the story at a later point, who cares? Similarly we can cope without being told that he opened a door to go into a room unless there's something about the door of note (it's locked, it's smeared with blood, it's got no handle, whatever). Although I wouldn't advocate going to the present tense necessarily you should certainly modify your use of what Greek scholars would call the aorist; the absolute, single event, past. It is that which gives it the staccato feel which others have commented on. Use the imperfect and participles to give the sense of continuing action. Here's my very quick rewrite of the first part as a guide to what I'm trying to say. You'll notice that I've cut out a lot of extraneous detail and a few logical errors (there's nothing about being well lit that makes the reading room ideal for him surely?) to keep the story moving. But even then I wouldn't be content to say this was the finished article. I'd expect to do at least one (and probably more) rewrite before I'd even consider letting an editor see it. The burner phone in the Priest's hand buzzed with a new message as soon as he turned it on. It read ... "As Elijah was taken to Heaven so we shall be. Praise be to God. 2 Kings 2:11" Deleting the message and shutting down the power, he flipped the phone and removed the SIM card before flushing it down the toilet. The phone he would dispose of later in some stranger's trash. Twenty minutes later he was pulling into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and the Bible study facility to which he was headed. In the reading room, sleepy quiet and out of the way (ideal for his purposes), he passed by the few people reading or working on laptops barely noticed. Amongst the collection of gilded Bibles and study guides against the back wall he selected a large King James and slipped out a plain envelope from the pages of 2 Kings 2. After hiding it in his coat and pausing long enough to deflect any suspicio
Good point about economy of words, and the best way to do this is with compression. Packing a lot of meaning into a few words adds a lot of power and punch to the prose. Consider this opening sentence from William Gibson's Neuromancer: "The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel." In one short sentence, Gibson sets the scene, tone, and theme. We know we are in a port city, the weather is dreary and grim, and we get a strong sense of technological angst. A lesser writer might have spent paragraphs describing that opening scene. Gibson did it in fifteen words and then immediately jumped into the dialog and action. That's very powerful, and doesn't give the reader a chance to lose interest. Good editing is the art of removing words, not adding them. When you've done away with the unimportant stuff and have nothing left you can take out, that's when you're done. As the apocryphal quote goes, "I'd have written a shorter letter if I'd had the time."
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So I'm writing a murder novel. Here's a snippet. I'd like your feedback please. Sorry, the formatting isn't too good...
The Priest turned on his cell phone and it immediately buzzed. He tapped the instant message icon and saw a new unread message from the day before:
“As Elijah was taken to heaven, so shall we. Praise be to God. I suggest you read
2 Kings 2:11”."“Thank you, I will Brother.” he replied, “God Bless”
He tapped the delete icon and the message disappeared. He then turned off the phone, opened the cover, and removed the SIM chip, dropped it into the toilet and flushed. He got dressed and left, dropping the burn phone into his neighbor’s trash.
20 minutes later he exited the 40 onto St. Joseph’s Drive and pulled into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, parked and went inside. The Center consisted of a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and a Bible study center. In the study center there was a reading room and he pulled open the door and went in. There were a few people sitting at tables reading and working on laptops, and no one paid him any attention, save for the one casual glance as he walked by. It was not unusual for the general public to come use the Center’s study room for personal or educational study. It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes.
There was a collection of old gilded bibles and other study materials on wooden shelves against the back wall. He removed a large King James Bible from the bottom row and flipped open to 2 Kings 2:11. In between the sheaves of manuscript was an 8” x 11” sealed envelope with no markings. He removed it, replaced the bible, and left.
He returned to the car and tore the end off the envelope and tipped it up, sliding out the contents. In the envelope was a 5” x 7” photo of an older Japanese man, and 3” x 5” card with a Japanese name and an address typed on it, and nothing else. He didn’t expect there to be more, as there never was.
The Priest was really a nickname he had acquired while in the Special Forces. Like most SpecOps guys he was proficient in a number of trades, but his religious principles had been something unique to him in his team, and the other members had taken to calling him “Father” and then later “Priest”. Some would even come talk to him when the chaplain wasn’t around. He maintained his faith and biblical studies while in the Army, but after he got out he gradually d
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So I'm writing a murder novel. Here's a snippet. I'd like your feedback please. Sorry, the formatting isn't too good...
The Priest turned on his cell phone and it immediately buzzed. He tapped the instant message icon and saw a new unread message from the day before:
“As Elijah was taken to heaven, so shall we. Praise be to God. I suggest you read
2 Kings 2:11”."“Thank you, I will Brother.” he replied, “God Bless”
He tapped the delete icon and the message disappeared. He then turned off the phone, opened the cover, and removed the SIM chip, dropped it into the toilet and flushed. He got dressed and left, dropping the burn phone into his neighbor’s trash.
20 minutes later he exited the 40 onto St. Joseph’s Drive and pulled into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, parked and went inside. The Center consisted of a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and a Bible study center. In the study center there was a reading room and he pulled open the door and went in. There were a few people sitting at tables reading and working on laptops, and no one paid him any attention, save for the one casual glance as he walked by. It was not unusual for the general public to come use the Center’s study room for personal or educational study. It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes.
There was a collection of old gilded bibles and other study materials on wooden shelves against the back wall. He removed a large King James Bible from the bottom row and flipped open to 2 Kings 2:11. In between the sheaves of manuscript was an 8” x 11” sealed envelope with no markings. He removed it, replaced the bible, and left.
He returned to the car and tore the end off the envelope and tipped it up, sliding out the contents. In the envelope was a 5” x 7” photo of an older Japanese man, and 3” x 5” card with a Japanese name and an address typed on it, and nothing else. He didn’t expect there to be more, as there never was.
The Priest was really a nickname he had acquired while in the Special Forces. Like most SpecOps guys he was proficient in a number of trades, but his religious principles had been something unique to him in his team, and the other members had taken to calling him “Father” and then later “Priest”. Some would even come talk to him when the chaplain wasn’t around. He maintained his faith and biblical studies while in the Army, but after he got out he gradually d
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Kevin Marois wrote:
It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes.
I like it but one thing jarred me, I think you meant quiet not quite. Have a good one.
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Maybe you could post some of your writings?
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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jibalt wrote:
Don't quit your day job.
This kind of thing is why most aspiring writers quit. Writing fiction is like learning a musical instrument, it doesn't matter much how good you are now, the main thing is whether or not you stick with it and put in the practice. Keep writing daily and ignore the naysayers, and you're ahead of 90% of the competition.
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jibalt wrote:
Don't quit your day job.
This kind of thing is why most aspiring writers quit. Writing fiction is like learning a musical instrument, it doesn't matter much how good you are now, the main thing is whether or not you stick with it and put in the practice. Keep writing daily and ignore the naysayers, and you're ahead of 90% of the competition.
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Maybe you could post some of your writings?
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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What made you feel like it was ok to come in here and insult me - twice?
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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What made you feel like it was ok to come in here and insult me - twice?
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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So I'm writing a murder novel. Here's a snippet. I'd like your feedback please. Sorry, the formatting isn't too good...
The Priest turned on his cell phone and it immediately buzzed. He tapped the instant message icon and saw a new unread message from the day before:
“As Elijah was taken to heaven, so shall we. Praise be to God. I suggest you read
2 Kings 2:11”."“Thank you, I will Brother.” he replied, “God Bless”
He tapped the delete icon and the message disappeared. He then turned off the phone, opened the cover, and removed the SIM chip, dropped it into the toilet and flushed. He got dressed and left, dropping the burn phone into his neighbor’s trash.
20 minutes later he exited the 40 onto St. Joseph’s Drive and pulled into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, parked and went inside. The Center consisted of a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and a Bible study center. In the study center there was a reading room and he pulled open the door and went in. There were a few people sitting at tables reading and working on laptops, and no one paid him any attention, save for the one casual glance as he walked by. It was not unusual for the general public to come use the Center’s study room for personal or educational study. It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes.
There was a collection of old gilded bibles and other study materials on wooden shelves against the back wall. He removed a large King James Bible from the bottom row and flipped open to 2 Kings 2:11. In between the sheaves of manuscript was an 8” x 11” sealed envelope with no markings. He removed it, replaced the bible, and left.
He returned to the car and tore the end off the envelope and tipped it up, sliding out the contents. In the envelope was a 5” x 7” photo of an older Japanese man, and 3” x 5” card with a Japanese name and an address typed on it, and nothing else. He didn’t expect there to be more, as there never was.
The Priest was really a nickname he had acquired while in the Special Forces. Like most SpecOps guys he was proficient in a number of trades, but his religious principles had been something unique to him in his team, and the other members had taken to calling him “Father” and then later “Priest”. Some would even come talk to him when the chaplain wasn’t around. He maintained his faith and biblical studies while in the Army, but after he got out he gradually d
Kevin Marois wrote:
“Thank you, I will Brother.” he replied, “God Bless”
... should be "Thank you, I will Brother," he replied. "God Bless."