From My Book...
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So I'm writing a murder novel. Here's a snippet. I'd like your feedback please. Sorry, the formatting isn't too good...
The Priest turned on his cell phone and it immediately buzzed. He tapped the instant message icon and saw a new unread message from the day before:
“As Elijah was taken to heaven, so shall we. Praise be to God. I suggest you read
2 Kings 2:11”."“Thank you, I will Brother.” he replied, “God Bless”
He tapped the delete icon and the message disappeared. He then turned off the phone, opened the cover, and removed the SIM chip, dropped it into the toilet and flushed. He got dressed and left, dropping the burn phone into his neighbor’s trash.
20 minutes later he exited the 40 onto St. Joseph’s Drive and pulled into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, parked and went inside. The Center consisted of a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and a Bible study center. In the study center there was a reading room and he pulled open the door and went in. There were a few people sitting at tables reading and working on laptops, and no one paid him any attention, save for the one casual glance as he walked by. It was not unusual for the general public to come use the Center’s study room for personal or educational study. It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes.
There was a collection of old gilded bibles and other study materials on wooden shelves against the back wall. He removed a large King James Bible from the bottom row and flipped open to 2 Kings 2:11. In between the sheaves of manuscript was an 8” x 11” sealed envelope with no markings. He removed it, replaced the bible, and left.
He returned to the car and tore the end off the envelope and tipped it up, sliding out the contents. In the envelope was a 5” x 7” photo of an older Japanese man, and 3” x 5” card with a Japanese name and an address typed on it, and nothing else. He didn’t expect there to be more, as there never was.
The Priest was really a nickname he had acquired while in the Special Forces. Like most SpecOps guys he was proficient in a number of trades, but his religious principles had been something unique to him in his team, and the other members had taken to calling him “Father” and then later “Priest”. Some would even come talk to him when the chaplain wasn’t around. He maintained his faith and biblical studies while in the Army, but after he got out he gradually d
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So I'm writing a murder novel. Here's a snippet. I'd like your feedback please. Sorry, the formatting isn't too good...
The Priest turned on his cell phone and it immediately buzzed. He tapped the instant message icon and saw a new unread message from the day before:
“As Elijah was taken to heaven, so shall we. Praise be to God. I suggest you read
2 Kings 2:11”."“Thank you, I will Brother.” he replied, “God Bless”
He tapped the delete icon and the message disappeared. He then turned off the phone, opened the cover, and removed the SIM chip, dropped it into the toilet and flushed. He got dressed and left, dropping the burn phone into his neighbor’s trash.
20 minutes later he exited the 40 onto St. Joseph’s Drive and pulled into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, parked and went inside. The Center consisted of a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and a Bible study center. In the study center there was a reading room and he pulled open the door and went in. There were a few people sitting at tables reading and working on laptops, and no one paid him any attention, save for the one casual glance as he walked by. It was not unusual for the general public to come use the Center’s study room for personal or educational study. It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes.
There was a collection of old gilded bibles and other study materials on wooden shelves against the back wall. He removed a large King James Bible from the bottom row and flipped open to 2 Kings 2:11. In between the sheaves of manuscript was an 8” x 11” sealed envelope with no markings. He removed it, replaced the bible, and left.
He returned to the car and tore the end off the envelope and tipped it up, sliding out the contents. In the envelope was a 5” x 7” photo of an older Japanese man, and 3” x 5” card with a Japanese name and an address typed on it, and nothing else. He didn’t expect there to be more, as there never was.
The Priest was really a nickname he had acquired while in the Special Forces. Like most SpecOps guys he was proficient in a number of trades, but his religious principles had been something unique to him in his team, and the other members had taken to calling him “Father” and then later “Priest”. Some would even come talk to him when the chaplain wasn’t around. He maintained his faith and biblical studies while in the Army, but after he got out he gradually d
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Kevin Marois wrote:
It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes.
I like it but one thing jarred me, I think you meant quiet not quite. Have a good one.
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Maybe you could post some of your writings?
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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jibalt wrote:
Don't quit your day job.
This kind of thing is why most aspiring writers quit. Writing fiction is like learning a musical instrument, it doesn't matter much how good you are now, the main thing is whether or not you stick with it and put in the practice. Keep writing daily and ignore the naysayers, and you're ahead of 90% of the competition.
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jibalt wrote:
Don't quit your day job.
This kind of thing is why most aspiring writers quit. Writing fiction is like learning a musical instrument, it doesn't matter much how good you are now, the main thing is whether or not you stick with it and put in the practice. Keep writing daily and ignore the naysayers, and you're ahead of 90% of the competition.
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Maybe you could post some of your writings?
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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What made you feel like it was ok to come in here and insult me - twice?
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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What made you feel like it was ok to come in here and insult me - twice?
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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So I'm writing a murder novel. Here's a snippet. I'd like your feedback please. Sorry, the formatting isn't too good...
The Priest turned on his cell phone and it immediately buzzed. He tapped the instant message icon and saw a new unread message from the day before:
“As Elijah was taken to heaven, so shall we. Praise be to God. I suggest you read
2 Kings 2:11”."“Thank you, I will Brother.” he replied, “God Bless”
He tapped the delete icon and the message disappeared. He then turned off the phone, opened the cover, and removed the SIM chip, dropped it into the toilet and flushed. He got dressed and left, dropping the burn phone into his neighbor’s trash.
20 minutes later he exited the 40 onto St. Joseph’s Drive and pulled into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, parked and went inside. The Center consisted of a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and a Bible study center. In the study center there was a reading room and he pulled open the door and went in. There were a few people sitting at tables reading and working on laptops, and no one paid him any attention, save for the one casual glance as he walked by. It was not unusual for the general public to come use the Center’s study room for personal or educational study. It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes.
There was a collection of old gilded bibles and other study materials on wooden shelves against the back wall. He removed a large King James Bible from the bottom row and flipped open to 2 Kings 2:11. In between the sheaves of manuscript was an 8” x 11” sealed envelope with no markings. He removed it, replaced the bible, and left.
He returned to the car and tore the end off the envelope and tipped it up, sliding out the contents. In the envelope was a 5” x 7” photo of an older Japanese man, and 3” x 5” card with a Japanese name and an address typed on it, and nothing else. He didn’t expect there to be more, as there never was.
The Priest was really a nickname he had acquired while in the Special Forces. Like most SpecOps guys he was proficient in a number of trades, but his religious principles had been something unique to him in his team, and the other members had taken to calling him “Father” and then later “Priest”. Some would even come talk to him when the chaplain wasn’t around. He maintained his faith and biblical studies while in the Army, but after he got out he gradually d
Kevin Marois wrote:
“Thank you, I will Brother.” he replied, “God Bless”
... should be "Thank you, I will Brother," he replied. "God Bless."