what is the best way?
-
Having been in that position before (two teenage daughters), I would suggest: 1. Sit down with her, and explain the dangers of internet access. You may want to acknowledge the advantages as well, just to show that you're not against internet use, only irresponsible internet use. 2. Once you have explained the dangers, explain why you wish to install an anti-virus/"family content" filter package on her phone. Emphasize that this is not so you can spy on her, but so she is not victimized by the bad actors on the internet. 3. Most of these "family content" filters allow for custom restrictions and/or monitoring the children's surfing habits. Set the options according to what you want, and tell your daughter that you are doing so. For example, some "family content" filters allow banning certain categories of sites, etc. 4. Your daughter will still be able to remove the package from her phone, but you will know it (no surfing reported?), and can take appropriate steps. Let her know what these steps will be. I hope this helps. (I haven't given recommendations for packages, because (a) I don't know what is current, and (b) it's against site policy as I understand it.)
Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows. -- 6079 Smith W.
-
phil.o wrote:
Is trusting her not an option?
Have you ever raised kids before? :-D
Social Media - A platform that makes it easier for the crazies to find each other. Everyone is born right handed. Only the strongest overcome it. Fight for left-handed rights and hand equality.
As the Russians say: Trust, but verify.
Wrong is evil and must be defeated. - Jeff Ello
-
phil.o wrote:
Is trusting her not an option?
Have you ever raised kids before? :-D
Social Media - A platform that makes it easier for the crazies to find each other. Everyone is born right handed. Only the strongest overcome it. Fight for left-handed rights and hand equality.
Yes. I'm not saying educating a teenager is never problematic. I'm just questionning whether systematically infantilizing them is a good solution in the long term.
"Five fruits and vegetables a day? What a joke! Personally, after the third watermelon, I'm full."
-
Having been in that position before (two teenage daughters), I would suggest: 1. Sit down with her, and explain the dangers of internet access. You may want to acknowledge the advantages as well, just to show that you're not against internet use, only irresponsible internet use. 2. Once you have explained the dangers, explain why you wish to install an anti-virus/"family content" filter package on her phone. Emphasize that this is not so you can spy on her, but so she is not victimized by the bad actors on the internet. 3. Most of these "family content" filters allow for custom restrictions and/or monitoring the children's surfing habits. Set the options according to what you want, and tell your daughter that you are doing so. For example, some "family content" filters allow banning certain categories of sites, etc. 4. Your daughter will still be able to remove the package from her phone, but you will know it (no surfing reported?), and can take appropriate steps. Let her know what these steps will be. I hope this helps. (I haven't given recommendations for packages, because (a) I don't know what is current, and (b) it's against site policy as I understand it.)
Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows. -- 6079 Smith W.
How well did this approach work (genuine curiosity)? It won't be terribly long before I'll be having similar discussions, and I like your answer. :)
-
Yes. I'm not saying educating a teenager is never problematic. I'm just questionning whether systematically infantilizing them is a good solution in the long term.
"Five fruits and vegetables a day? What a joke! Personally, after the third watermelon, I'm full."
phil.o wrote:
systematically infantilizing them is a good solution in the long term.
No it's not, nor did I see that suggested anywhere. Maybe I read it differently than you.
Social Media - A platform that makes it easier for the crazies to find each other. Everyone is born right handed. Only the strongest overcome it. Fight for left-handed rights and hand equality.
-
How well did this approach work (genuine curiosity)? It won't be terribly long before I'll be having similar discussions, and I like your answer. :)
With my daughters it worked quite well. YMMV :)
Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows. -- 6079 Smith W.
-
So having a teen daughter who spends most of the free time (after doing school work and watching Netflix ) in smartphone, what should be the best approach regarding watching her activity 1. Asking Mrs to handle it? 2. Ask her to voluntary show the activity? 3. checking the phone on the sly? Her iTunes ,spotify account is linked to my Credit card so I know she is not doing any useless purchase. She has two Insta, tik tok, snap account which is private as well public
cheers,
Super
------------------------------------------ Too much of good is bad,mix some evil in it
Since you're German the child has certain rights. If you want to watch/spy on her activities, you can only legally do so if you have her permission to do so. Similarly to a daily journal; the child has right to privacy. You're allowed to block stuff on your router to limit access, but not to spy, or even read her SMS messages. Simple as that. "Das Recht auf Privatsphäre gilt als Menschenrecht". Privatsphäre von Kindern: Hinterherschnüffeln gehört sich nicht[^]
Bastard Programmer from Hell :suss: If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^] "If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
-
So having a teen daughter who spends most of the free time (after doing school work and watching Netflix ) in smartphone, what should be the best approach regarding watching her activity 1. Asking Mrs to handle it? 2. Ask her to voluntary show the activity? 3. checking the phone on the sly? Her iTunes ,spotify account is linked to my Credit card so I know she is not doing any useless purchase. She has two Insta, tik tok, snap account which is private as well public
cheers,
Super
------------------------------------------ Too much of good is bad,mix some evil in it
Whatever you do, don't do number three. I'm ending up there soon enough and I think I will Ask her to add me, or rather her mom, as a friend on all these services. Knowing that we might see what she posts should be enough to self censor to a reasonable level. Those internet services ARE public after all.
Wrong is evil and must be defeated. - Jeff Ello
-
Is trusting her not an option?
"Five fruits and vegetables a day? What a joke! Personally, after the third watermelon, I'm full."
I see you've never used tiktok :D
-
So having a teen daughter who spends most of the free time (after doing school work and watching Netflix ) in smartphone, what should be the best approach regarding watching her activity 1. Asking Mrs to handle it? 2. Ask her to voluntary show the activity? 3. checking the phone on the sly? Her iTunes ,spotify account is linked to my Credit card so I know she is not doing any useless purchase. She has two Insta, tik tok, snap account which is private as well public
cheers,
Super
------------------------------------------ Too much of good is bad,mix some evil in it
I think the biggest problem with the internet is that it's far too easy to be deceived. With that in mind, I think the most useful lesson to teach her would be to never assume everything to be true. Always question the authenticity of everything. Learning this skill can prevent a lot of potential problems ranging from fraud to sexual assault - and everything in between. Use examples of different types of problems, and as ugly as it may be, make sure to talk about sexual predators - because let's be honest, it's the most dangerous type of deception that's out there. If it hasn't happened already, her first love isn't much further around the corner... don't let it be some random on the internet. Unfortunately most adults don't even have this skill, so it's not an easy task, but getting it in her head now will set her up well for the rest of her life. In the end, you can't monitor everything she does, so better to make sure she is educated into making the right decisions for herself. Though if you got this far as a parent, then I am sure you know most of this already ;)
-
Whatever you do, don't do number three. I'm ending up there soon enough and I think I will Ask her to add me, or rather her mom, as a friend on all these services. Knowing that we might see what she posts should be enough to self censor to a reasonable level. Those internet services ARE public after all.
Wrong is evil and must be defeated. - Jeff Ello
-
phil.o wrote:
Is trusting her not an option?
Have you ever raised kids before? :-D
Social Media - A platform that makes it easier for the crazies to find each other. Everyone is born right handed. Only the strongest overcome it. Fight for left-handed rights and hand equality.
Lousy argument to try and justify the "not trusting"; and in some cases, verifying is illegal. ..but then again, it seems to work for China :thumbsup:
Bastard Programmer from Hell :suss: If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^] "If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
-
So having a teen daughter who spends most of the free time (after doing school work and watching Netflix ) in smartphone, what should be the best approach regarding watching her activity 1. Asking Mrs to handle it? 2. Ask her to voluntary show the activity? 3. checking the phone on the sly? Her iTunes ,spotify account is linked to my Credit card so I know she is not doing any useless purchase. She has two Insta, tik tok, snap account which is private as well public
cheers,
Super
------------------------------------------ Too much of good is bad,mix some evil in it
Trust is the best way, and always make your kids feel safe and welcome at home. don't go putting up fences (internet filters etc) - it absolutely destroys trust (no matter what you say) - once trust is gone forget about them coming to you when in trouble. Why so permissive, why no fences? If you put up fences or tell them not to do something, guess what: they will do it anyway, but now do it somewhere else, ...somewhere probably less safe, somewhere where you can't quickly step in and help if things go wrong. After some events (friends over and some alcohol drunk, somebody sleeps over) I have a little chat (not lecture), "what did you achieve by getting drunk? (or just cussing etc)" "did you really impress your friends in a meaningful way?" "what did you get from it that's useful?" I'll also throw in a "hows school going?" - if they start spouting results I'll stop them and ask again "hows life at school?" (you realise that's a 'trust opening/building' question - and of course if there are issues then discuss solutions - THEIR solutions (with guidance) - shows you are interested in them, shows you trust them, you trust their opinion - the academic results will follow. once in a while (much less often) they still have a gathering/stay over but it's more self controlled, still safe, and sometimes they'll even get apologies after. I tell them "fine, glad it didn't get too stupid, everyone is OK right." Don;t expect your kids to be monks or nuns. I trust them, they trust me, I keep them safe, they feel that, they respect that,they respect my opinion with love, not begrudgingly obey, not pay lip service to me. both kids did well at school - without pressure, now doing really well at uni, on their own. trust matters most - absolutely don't put up fences (NO internet filters and forced on-line curfews: 100% = you don't trust them). - avoid out of the blue "let's talk" - they ALWAYS take that as fishing for reasons not to trust them. -- which/please honestly examine yourself: it really is fishing for reasons not to trust / allow them to do something. The time to talk is AFTER a wild night (even then stick to the "what did YOU get out of it" - let them examine their own experience and take aways ...not "what if" or "you are lucky X didn't happen" or "don't do that again" - because they will and to avoid you finding out perhaps at an even higher risk level. Edit: internet filters are just electronic window bars. 100% trust killers. Edit 2: no trust is perceived as no
-
Lousy argument to try and justify the "not trusting"; and in some cases, verifying is illegal. ..but then again, it seems to work for China :thumbsup:
Bastard Programmer from Hell :suss: If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^] "If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
Eddy Vluggen wrote:
Lousy argument to try and justify the "not trusting";
Don't read more than I wrote. I never said not trusting your kid. That would also be bad parenting.
Social Media - A platform that makes it easier for the crazies to find each other. Everyone is born right handed. Only the strongest overcome it. Fight for left-handed rights and hand equality.
-
So having a teen daughter who spends most of the free time (after doing school work and watching Netflix ) in smartphone, what should be the best approach regarding watching her activity 1. Asking Mrs to handle it? 2. Ask her to voluntary show the activity? 3. checking the phone on the sly? Her iTunes ,spotify account is linked to my Credit card so I know she is not doing any useless purchase. She has two Insta, tik tok, snap account which is private as well public
cheers,
Super
------------------------------------------ Too much of good is bad,mix some evil in it
IMO, the more checks and filters you put, the more inquisitive and stubborn she will be to see what is behind those filters. So, better be filter-less.
-
Eddy Vluggen wrote:
Lousy argument to try and justify the "not trusting";
Don't read more than I wrote. I never said not trusting your kid. That would also be bad parenting.
Social Media - A platform that makes it easier for the crazies to find each other. Everyone is born right handed. Only the strongest overcome it. Fight for left-handed rights and hand equality.
ZurdoDev wrote:
Don't read more than I wrote. I never said not trusting your kid. That would also be bad parenting.
You implied that those who have raised kids know "better". Might have been a jest, but was not recognizable as one and people reading may not take it as such. So no, not reading anything more than you wrote. If you don't trust your kid, limit their access. Same rules apply on your bosses network btw.
Bastard Programmer from Hell :suss: If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^] "If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
-
nah, they just open another account with their friends for "private" stuff. all you get that's real is the occasional "oops, posted to the wrong account."
after many otherwise intelligent sounding suggestions that achieved nothing the nice folks at Technet said the only solution was to low level format my hard disk then reinstall my signature. Sadly, this still didn't fix the issue!
-
Trust is the best way, and always make your kids feel safe and welcome at home. don't go putting up fences (internet filters etc) - it absolutely destroys trust (no matter what you say) - once trust is gone forget about them coming to you when in trouble. Why so permissive, why no fences? If you put up fences or tell them not to do something, guess what: they will do it anyway, but now do it somewhere else, ...somewhere probably less safe, somewhere where you can't quickly step in and help if things go wrong. After some events (friends over and some alcohol drunk, somebody sleeps over) I have a little chat (not lecture), "what did you achieve by getting drunk? (or just cussing etc)" "did you really impress your friends in a meaningful way?" "what did you get from it that's useful?" I'll also throw in a "hows school going?" - if they start spouting results I'll stop them and ask again "hows life at school?" (you realise that's a 'trust opening/building' question - and of course if there are issues then discuss solutions - THEIR solutions (with guidance) - shows you are interested in them, shows you trust them, you trust their opinion - the academic results will follow. once in a while (much less often) they still have a gathering/stay over but it's more self controlled, still safe, and sometimes they'll even get apologies after. I tell them "fine, glad it didn't get too stupid, everyone is OK right." Don;t expect your kids to be monks or nuns. I trust them, they trust me, I keep them safe, they feel that, they respect that,they respect my opinion with love, not begrudgingly obey, not pay lip service to me. both kids did well at school - without pressure, now doing really well at uni, on their own. trust matters most - absolutely don't put up fences (NO internet filters and forced on-line curfews: 100% = you don't trust them). - avoid out of the blue "let's talk" - they ALWAYS take that as fishing for reasons not to trust them. -- which/please honestly examine yourself: it really is fishing for reasons not to trust / allow them to do something. The time to talk is AFTER a wild night (even then stick to the "what did YOU get out of it" - let them examine their own experience and take aways ...not "what if" or "you are lucky X didn't happen" or "don't do that again" - because they will and to avoid you finding out perhaps at an even higher risk level. Edit: internet filters are just electronic window bars. 100% trust killers. Edit 2: no trust is perceived as no
I agree entirely. I trust my kids with everything so I don't bother teaching them anything. Who needs filters? Wimps do, that's who. I don't even have doors on my house because my kids will not trust me. They'll think I am trying to lock them up. Bedtimes? No way! Rules? Heck no! Chores? No way, I want my kids to like me and trust me. :doh: :doh: :doh: :omg: :omg: :omg:
Social Media - A platform that makes it easier for the crazies to find each other. Everyone is born right handed. Only the strongest overcome it. Fight for left-handed rights and hand equality.
-
ZurdoDev wrote:
Don't read more than I wrote. I never said not trusting your kid. That would also be bad parenting.
You implied that those who have raised kids know "better". Might have been a jest, but was not recognizable as one and people reading may not take it as such. So no, not reading anything more than you wrote. If you don't trust your kid, limit their access. Same rules apply on your bosses network btw.
Bastard Programmer from Hell :suss: If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^] "If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
Eddy Vluggen wrote:
You implied that those who have raised kids know "better".
Yes, we know better. You can't just trust your kids and leave it at that. That's being a lazy parent. Of course you need to build trust with your kids but not at the expense of not parenting anymore. :wtf: So, yes, you did read into it something I didn't write. Not every post is black or white, there can be in-between. :doh:
Social Media - A platform that makes it easier for the crazies to find each other. Everyone is born right handed. Only the strongest overcome it. Fight for left-handed rights and hand equality.
-
Since you're German the child has certain rights. If you want to watch/spy on her activities, you can only legally do so if you have her permission to do so. Similarly to a daily journal; the child has right to privacy. You're allowed to block stuff on your router to limit access, but not to spy, or even read her SMS messages. Simple as that. "Das Recht auf Privatsphäre gilt als Menschenrecht". Privatsphäre von Kindern: Hinterherschnüffeln gehört sich nicht[^]
Bastard Programmer from Hell :suss: If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^] "If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
Eddy Vluggen wrote:
Since you're German the child has certain rights.
While children do have rights, nowhere does it say that one of these rights is to a phone. Parenting does not end with food, clothing, and shelter; it is also parents' responsibility to ensure that their children are safe. Access to a mobile phone is, like using the family car (for older teens), a privilege. If children are unwilling to abide by reasonable rules for using either, they should lose the privilege.
Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows. -- 6079 Smith W.