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I'm trying to out together a prologue for a book I'm writing. This is a first pass. Feel free to critique. To me it seems 'cheesy'. I'm trying to describe an important, rich man leaving his mansion in the morning
That Saturday morning in Georgetown started with cool, crisp air and partly cloudy skies. The rising sun danced across the Potomac, reflecting across the water like a blanket of diamonds. Birds gleefully chirped and pecked at the ground, and a gentle breeze rustled the trees. Cherry blossoms floated down creating a carpet of pink on the manicured grass lined sidewalks. The old man with the timeworn face stood still outside the front door of his brick façade home and surveyed the scenes beyond the flower lined driveway. He could have been any other well off old man in a gray coat and wool fedora covering his winter-white hair going off to the office on any given day. Except he wasn’t any other man. He was the Speaker of the House. In the driveway in front of him his limo idled with the back door open, and his assistant Bill Worley and three agents stood waiting for the man to enter the car. The Speaker gingerly slid in, followed by Worley, and an agent closed the heavy armored door. The day was going to be light, with a breakfast and a round of golf at the Langston. The Speaker was a man of habit. His daily routine was predicable and discipled, and always started with Worley reviewing his schedule with him in the car on the way to the Capital. “Traffic is light this morning Sir. Should be no problem making your tee time.” Said Bill. “Also, I this came in last night.” he said and handled the Speaker a note. Little did he know that that note would propel him down a path that would change the ????If it's not broken, fix it until it is. Everything makes sense in someone's mind. Ya can't fix stupid.
Not much of a punch line.
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Not much of a punch line.
Ya I'm thinking about what to say without giving it all away
If it's not broken, fix it until it is. Everything makes sense in someone's mind. Ya can't fix stupid.
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I'm trying to out together a prologue for a book I'm writing. This is a first pass. Feel free to critique. To me it seems 'cheesy'. I'm trying to describe an important, rich man leaving his mansion in the morning
That Saturday morning in Georgetown started with cool, crisp air and partly cloudy skies. The rising sun danced across the Potomac, reflecting across the water like a blanket of diamonds. Birds gleefully chirped and pecked at the ground, and a gentle breeze rustled the trees. Cherry blossoms floated down creating a carpet of pink on the manicured grass lined sidewalks. The old man with the timeworn face stood still outside the front door of his brick façade home and surveyed the scenes beyond the flower lined driveway. He could have been any other well off old man in a gray coat and wool fedora covering his winter-white hair going off to the office on any given day. Except he wasn’t any other man. He was the Speaker of the House. In the driveway in front of him his limo idled with the back door open, and his assistant Bill Worley and three agents stood waiting for the man to enter the car. The Speaker gingerly slid in, followed by Worley, and an agent closed the heavy armored door. The day was going to be light, with a breakfast and a round of golf at the Langston. The Speaker was a man of habit. His daily routine was predicable and discipled, and always started with Worley reviewing his schedule with him in the car on the way to the Capital. “Traffic is light this morning Sir. Should be no problem making your tee time.” Said Bill. “Also, I this came in last night.” he said and handled the Speaker a note. Little did he know that that note would propel him down a path that would change the ????If it's not broken, fix it until it is. Everything makes sense in someone's mind. Ya can't fix stupid.
Some suggestions/corrections:
Kevin Marois wrote:
That Saturday morning...
Saturday morning...
Kevin Marois wrote:
going off to the office on any given day
going to the office on any given day
Kevin Marois wrote:
"Traffic is light this morning Sir.
"Traffic is light this morning, sir. /ravi
My new year resolution: 2048 x 1536 Home | Articles | My .NET bits | Freeware ravib(at)ravib(dot)com
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I'm trying to out together a prologue for a book I'm writing. This is a first pass. Feel free to critique. To me it seems 'cheesy'. I'm trying to describe an important, rich man leaving his mansion in the morning
That Saturday morning in Georgetown started with cool, crisp air and partly cloudy skies. The rising sun danced across the Potomac, reflecting across the water like a blanket of diamonds. Birds gleefully chirped and pecked at the ground, and a gentle breeze rustled the trees. Cherry blossoms floated down creating a carpet of pink on the manicured grass lined sidewalks. The old man with the timeworn face stood still outside the front door of his brick façade home and surveyed the scenes beyond the flower lined driveway. He could have been any other well off old man in a gray coat and wool fedora covering his winter-white hair going off to the office on any given day. Except he wasn’t any other man. He was the Speaker of the House. In the driveway in front of him his limo idled with the back door open, and his assistant Bill Worley and three agents stood waiting for the man to enter the car. The Speaker gingerly slid in, followed by Worley, and an agent closed the heavy armored door. The day was going to be light, with a breakfast and a round of golf at the Langston. The Speaker was a man of habit. His daily routine was predicable and discipled, and always started with Worley reviewing his schedule with him in the car on the way to the Capital. “Traffic is light this morning Sir. Should be no problem making your tee time.” Said Bill. “Also, I this came in last night.” he said and handled the Speaker a note. Little did he know that that note would propel him down a path that would change the ????If it's not broken, fix it until it is. Everything makes sense in someone's mind. Ya can't fix stupid.
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I'm trying to out together a prologue for a book I'm writing. This is a first pass. Feel free to critique. To me it seems 'cheesy'. I'm trying to describe an important, rich man leaving his mansion in the morning
That Saturday morning in Georgetown started with cool, crisp air and partly cloudy skies. The rising sun danced across the Potomac, reflecting across the water like a blanket of diamonds. Birds gleefully chirped and pecked at the ground, and a gentle breeze rustled the trees. Cherry blossoms floated down creating a carpet of pink on the manicured grass lined sidewalks. The old man with the timeworn face stood still outside the front door of his brick façade home and surveyed the scenes beyond the flower lined driveway. He could have been any other well off old man in a gray coat and wool fedora covering his winter-white hair going off to the office on any given day. Except he wasn’t any other man. He was the Speaker of the House. In the driveway in front of him his limo idled with the back door open, and his assistant Bill Worley and three agents stood waiting for the man to enter the car. The Speaker gingerly slid in, followed by Worley, and an agent closed the heavy armored door. The day was going to be light, with a breakfast and a round of golf at the Langston. The Speaker was a man of habit. His daily routine was predicable and discipled, and always started with Worley reviewing his schedule with him in the car on the way to the Capital. “Traffic is light this morning Sir. Should be no problem making your tee time.” Said Bill. “Also, I this came in last night.” he said and handled the Speaker a note. Little did he know that that note would propel him down a path that would change the ????If it's not broken, fix it until it is. Everything makes sense in someone's mind. Ya can't fix stupid.
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I'm trying to out together a prologue for a book I'm writing. This is a first pass. Feel free to critique. To me it seems 'cheesy'. I'm trying to describe an important, rich man leaving his mansion in the morning
That Saturday morning in Georgetown started with cool, crisp air and partly cloudy skies. The rising sun danced across the Potomac, reflecting across the water like a blanket of diamonds. Birds gleefully chirped and pecked at the ground, and a gentle breeze rustled the trees. Cherry blossoms floated down creating a carpet of pink on the manicured grass lined sidewalks. The old man with the timeworn face stood still outside the front door of his brick façade home and surveyed the scenes beyond the flower lined driveway. He could have been any other well off old man in a gray coat and wool fedora covering his winter-white hair going off to the office on any given day. Except he wasn’t any other man. He was the Speaker of the House. In the driveway in front of him his limo idled with the back door open, and his assistant Bill Worley and three agents stood waiting for the man to enter the car. The Speaker gingerly slid in, followed by Worley, and an agent closed the heavy armored door. The day was going to be light, with a breakfast and a round of golf at the Langston. The Speaker was a man of habit. His daily routine was predicable and discipled, and always started with Worley reviewing his schedule with him in the car on the way to the Capital. “Traffic is light this morning Sir. Should be no problem making your tee time.” Said Bill. “Also, I this came in last night.” he said and handled the Speaker a note. Little did he know that that note would propel him down a path that would change the ????If it's not broken, fix it until it is. Everything makes sense in someone's mind. Ya can't fix stupid.
"As Jack realized that his arm had been severed, and was dropping to the floor with blood splaying everywhere, he briefly wished for the peaceful morning he had been enjoying just a few hours before. Then he screamed..." In other words, you are starting it at the wrong point to build tension.
Our Forgotten Astronomy | Object Oriented Programming with C++ | Wordle solver
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"As Jack realized that his arm had been severed, and was dropping to the floor with blood splaying everywhere, he briefly wished for the peaceful morning he had been enjoying just a few hours before. Then he screamed..." In other words, you are starting it at the wrong point to build tension.
Our Forgotten Astronomy | Object Oriented Programming with C++ | Wordle solver
Nice
If it's not broken, fix it until it is. Everything makes sense in someone's mind. Ya can't fix stupid.
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Little did he realize the dangerous, life altering consequences of the contents of that note. Also “predicable”?
If you can't laugh at yourself - ask me and I will do it for you.
I like
If it's not broken, fix it until it is. Everything makes sense in someone's mind. Ya can't fix stupid.
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I like
If it's not broken, fix it until it is. Everything makes sense in someone's mind. Ya can't fix stupid.
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I'm trying to out together a prologue for a book I'm writing. This is a first pass. Feel free to critique. To me it seems 'cheesy'. I'm trying to describe an important, rich man leaving his mansion in the morning
That Saturday morning in Georgetown started with cool, crisp air and partly cloudy skies. The rising sun danced across the Potomac, reflecting across the water like a blanket of diamonds. Birds gleefully chirped and pecked at the ground, and a gentle breeze rustled the trees. Cherry blossoms floated down creating a carpet of pink on the manicured grass lined sidewalks. The old man with the timeworn face stood still outside the front door of his brick façade home and surveyed the scenes beyond the flower lined driveway. He could have been any other well off old man in a gray coat and wool fedora covering his winter-white hair going off to the office on any given day. Except he wasn’t any other man. He was the Speaker of the House. In the driveway in front of him his limo idled with the back door open, and his assistant Bill Worley and three agents stood waiting for the man to enter the car. The Speaker gingerly slid in, followed by Worley, and an agent closed the heavy armored door. The day was going to be light, with a breakfast and a round of golf at the Langston. The Speaker was a man of habit. His daily routine was predicable and discipled, and always started with Worley reviewing his schedule with him in the car on the way to the Capital. “Traffic is light this morning Sir. Should be no problem making your tee time.” Said Bill. “Also, I this came in last night.” he said and handled the Speaker a note. Little did he know that that note would propel him down a path that would change the ????If it's not broken, fix it until it is. Everything makes sense in someone's mind. Ya can't fix stupid.
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I'm trying to out together a prologue for a book I'm writing. This is a first pass. Feel free to critique. To me it seems 'cheesy'. I'm trying to describe an important, rich man leaving his mansion in the morning
That Saturday morning in Georgetown started with cool, crisp air and partly cloudy skies. The rising sun danced across the Potomac, reflecting across the water like a blanket of diamonds. Birds gleefully chirped and pecked at the ground, and a gentle breeze rustled the trees. Cherry blossoms floated down creating a carpet of pink on the manicured grass lined sidewalks. The old man with the timeworn face stood still outside the front door of his brick façade home and surveyed the scenes beyond the flower lined driveway. He could have been any other well off old man in a gray coat and wool fedora covering his winter-white hair going off to the office on any given day. Except he wasn’t any other man. He was the Speaker of the House. In the driveway in front of him his limo idled with the back door open, and his assistant Bill Worley and three agents stood waiting for the man to enter the car. The Speaker gingerly slid in, followed by Worley, and an agent closed the heavy armored door. The day was going to be light, with a breakfast and a round of golf at the Langston. The Speaker was a man of habit. His daily routine was predicable and discipled, and always started with Worley reviewing his schedule with him in the car on the way to the Capital. “Traffic is light this morning Sir. Should be no problem making your tee time.” Said Bill. “Also, I this came in last night.” he said and handled the Speaker a note. Little did he know that that note would propel him down a path that would change the ????If it's not broken, fix it until it is. Everything makes sense in someone's mind. Ya can't fix stupid.
Looks like you started carefully then got a bit.. lazy? (Not the writing, the proof-reading): Para4: predictable; disciplined; Capitol (unless you mean capital city, when it - uhm - doesn't have a capital letter). Para 5: I this came in(??); handled. Style-wise, "partly cloudy" sounds like a weather forecast, and doesn't really fit in with the sun dancing on the water. How do we see the water, anyway, when we're standing in a tree-lined avenue? "The old man...", "any other well-off old man", "winter-white hair" ... all give the impression of a rather elderly gent. It was jarring then to read "going off to the office". Men of the age you imply don't go off to the office. Just threw me as the mental picture you'd painted in my head was suddenly ripped up. Either leave the impression of age, and say something like "any other elderly gentleman surveying the spring morning", or don't make him out to be old and doddery. Overall it feels a little bit clichéd, maybe rather flowery. Depends on your target market really and what the book is. Fine if this is a romance or a character portrait; probably not so great if it's an all-action thriller. Finally, speaking as an Englishman, it comes as a surprise to learn the Speaker has a car with a heavily armoured door, a driver, an assistant, and three agents (where are they going to ride??), especially if he's just going off for a light breakfast and golf?? Our house Speaker is an MP and like other MPs might have a driver for official engagements, but otherwise drives his own car... Going forward, not sure CodeProject's lounge is the best place to ask for advice. We have 14 million members and I guess a good few hundred are thinking about writing a novel. Join a writers' group where you'll get a more informed response and won't risk winding people up. Best of luck with it!
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