Porch Painting...
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A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could us somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right, I guess I'm starting to believe all those "dumb blonde" jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way", the blonde added, "it's not a porch, it's a Lexus." Steven J. Ackerman, Consultant ACS, Sarasota, FL http://www.acscontrol.com steve@acscontrol.com sja@gte.net
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A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could us somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right, I guess I'm starting to believe all those "dumb blonde" jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way", the blonde added, "it's not a porch, it's a Lexus." Steven J. Ackerman, Consultant ACS, Sarasota, FL http://www.acscontrol.com steve@acscontrol.com sja@gte.net
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A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could us somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right, I guess I'm starting to believe all those "dumb blonde" jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way", the blonde added, "it's not a porch, it's a Lexus." Steven J. Ackerman, Consultant ACS, Sarasota, FL http://www.acscontrol.com steve@acscontrol.com sja@gte.net
:laugh: Nice one. Since we are rolling out old but modified jokes... A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant," says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business... Now give me back my dog." regards, Paul Watson Bluegrass South Africa Miszou wrote: I have read the entire internet. on how boring his day was.
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:laugh: Nice one. Since we are rolling out old but modified jokes... A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant," says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business... Now give me back my dog." regards, Paul Watson Bluegrass South Africa Miszou wrote: I have read the entire internet. on how boring his day was.
:laugh: :laugh: Pedant: Paul Watson wrote: Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer :confused: Just kidding ;P Paul ;)
That demands capital punishment!! Death by a herd of marauding Bobs! - Ryan Binns
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:laugh: :laugh: Pedant: Paul Watson wrote: Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer :confused: Just kidding ;P Paul ;)
That demands capital punishment!! Death by a herd of marauding Bobs! - Ryan Binns
>Just kidding Good, because I did not get it :-D regards, Paul Watson Bluegrass South Africa Miszou wrote: I have read the entire internet. on how boring his day was. Crikey! ain't life grand?
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>Just kidding Good, because I did not get it :-D regards, Paul Watson Bluegrass South Africa Miszou wrote: I have read the entire internet. on how boring his day was. Crikey! ain't life grand?
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I'm not sure about this, but AFAIK Laserprinters can't do colour... :-) Paul ;)
That demands capital punishment!! Death by a herd of marauding Bobs! - Ryan Binns
[
](http://www.canucks.com)Sonork 100.11743 Chicken Little "You're obviously a superstar." - Christian Graus about me - 12 Feb '03 Within you lies the power for good - Use it!
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[
](http://www.canucks.com)Sonork 100.11743 Chicken Little "You're obviously a superstar." - Christian Graus about me - 12 Feb '03 Within you lies the power for good - Use it!
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I'm not sure about this, but AFAIK Laserprinters can't do colour... :-) Paul ;)
That demands capital punishment!! Death by a herd of marauding Bobs! - Ryan Binns
Someone needs to tell HP & Lexmark that: http://h10010.www1.hp.com/wwpc/us/en/sm/WF02a/18972-236251-236268.html http://h10010.www1.hp.com/wwpc/us/en/ho/WF02a/18972-236251-236268.html http://www.lexmark.com/US/products/family/0,1222,Color\_Laser,00.html
Five birds are sitting on a fence. Three of them decide to fly off. How many are left?
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I'm not sure about this, but AFAIK Laserprinters can't do colour... :-) Paul ;)
That demands capital punishment!! Death by a herd of marauding Bobs! - Ryan Binns
Hmmm. Sure they do... HP Color Laser Jet Printers. Albeit, I'll concede that they may not be miniaturized "...Everybody has opinions: I have them, you have them. And we are all told from the moment we open our eyes, that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. Well, that's horsepuckey, of course. We are not entitled to our opinions; we are entitled to our _informed_ opinions. Without research, without background, without understanding, it's nothing. It's just bibble-babble...." --- Harlan Ellison