The Onion - God is Pissed

realJSOP

> Well, my god is John Simmons, and he's famous for his bad words and expressons. I'm also willing > to bet my god's more fun that yours on the weekends. Thank you my son. You will be remembered in the widely interpreted Word Of John (volumn 1), which will be deciphered from scrolls transcibed directly from these forums. Your name will dance on the tongue of mankind long after your flesh has been devoured by the wind of time. I've been working on The Word Of John, and there will be several sections, namely: I John - Born At An Early Age Book 1 - Mom And Dad Weren't Planning This Book 2 - Who Was My Father Anyway? Book 3 - Who You Callin' White Sucka! II John - That Wacky Pre-Schooler Book 1 - I Akst You Who You Was Callin' White! Book 2 - How I Drove Mom And Dad Apart Book 3 - Everything You wanted To Know About Girl Cooties III John - Realization Of His Ultimate Power And Glory Book 1 - Girl Cooties Revisited (Yumm) Book 2 - I Rule! Book 3 - I Still Rule! IV John - Outlaw Programmer Book 1 - VB Programmers? BWA HA HA HA! Book 2 - Who Is That Allah Guy? I Can Kick His Scrawny Ass! Book 3 - The Wonders Of Latex Book 4 - Bob, Bruce, And Other Farm Yard Antics Book 5 - I Still Rule! Most of the book so far is comprised of real-life experiences, factual conjectures, rumors, and vaguely described devine events which will permit future generations with plenty of room for wildly varying explanations of what I was really lying about. Advanced copies will be available in the 2nd quarter of 2002 at your local bookstore. "...the staggering layers of obscenity in your statement make it a work of art on so many levels." - Jason Jystad, 10/26/2001

amy

let us be fair you all are programmers at least . Do every one follow his role in programming of a language ? we should have one correct role to follow. Then same is the religion There is right a religion to follow .:confused: Amy

amy

let us be fair you all are programmers at least . Do every one follow his role in programming of a language ? we should have one correct role to follow. Then same is the religion There is right a religion to follow Amy

Mike Burston

Um...perhaps we can resume this conversation after you learn English? ----------------------------- ""I leave no turn un-stoned. " - John Simmons, Nov 6 2001 -----------------------------

Mike Burston

Praise be to John... I have already placed an advance order with Amazon.com for "IV John - Book 3, The Wonders Of Latex". Oh, the anticipation .... ----------------------------- ""I leave no turn un-stoned. " - John Simmons, Nov 6 2001 -----------------------------

Mike Burston

David, Take a break - your work here is done, my son. ----------------------------- ""I leave no turn un-stoned. " - John Simmons, Nov 6 2001 -----------------------------

David Wulff

[rant] I've sat by as long as I can, but I can't stand it anymore. It was Himmler - not Hitler - who orchastrated the genocide of the Jews/Blacks/Gays/Gipsies/etc, Hitler never knew the full picture until we did, and then it didn't matter to him anyway, as he put a bullet in his brain. And Goering was not guilty of anything short of being a bad leader - Nuremburg was grosly unjust to him. [/rant] I don't think this is a problem, as long as it doesn't contradicts the major principals. Have you read the Bible recently? You wanted major contradictions? I believe William Shakespeare summed it it perfectly: "To do and not to do, that is what the Bible tells us". (I never was any good at English Lit... *cough*) David Wulff, Founder of The BLA dwulff@battleaxesoftware.com New's flash - Bob caught in kitchen incident.

David Wulff

I wasn't sure wehther I should reply to this, seeing as it may be conceived as an attempt to boost my post numbers, but as it's not it should be okay. I am going now. I was waiting for a phone call that never came, so I'm off to bed. Night All. David Wulff, Founder of The BLA dwulff@battleaxesoftware.com New's flash - Bob caught in kitchen incident.

David Wulff

All half decent programmers know and use more than once language in their daily work. I use five (C, C++, VB [sorry guys], JScript [its a kind of language], HTML [see JScript]). Does that mean I can follow five mainstream religions? If So, I choose Budhism, Judaism, Islam, Sikhism, Hindism and - no wait, that's my five already done. I mean, why choose Christianity when Islam is basically the same and you get to have mutliple wives! Does this mean I'll go to hell? Well guess what - I really don't care. I am concerned with will actually happen to me and those I love - not passing the inituation for a fictional place called heaven so I wont be scared of death. Face up to it, it really ain't that bad. We aren't oppresed by the Egyptians anymore, okay? David Wulff, Founder of The BLA dwulff@battleaxesoftware.com New's flash - Bob caught in kitchen incident.

PJ Arends

Samantha, As you can see by the number of posts in this thread, there are many people here who say they are non-religious. The problem is that they are not comfortable with it, they seem to be searching for something in their lives, they just don't know what it is. All they know is that it can not be Christ, and they will do all they can to shout that fact from what ever pulpit they can find. I sincerely hope that one day they do find peace in their hearts. ps : I am sure this will start another flame, but hey, that's life:-D --- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

amy

I believe that i am important when i die because there is god judgement and nobody can fight god .that why you are important to yourself first. since what is the use if all poeple are in heaven and you are being punished . Amy

amy

i can understand and talk 5 languages . regards amy Amy

Mike Burston

Good, then when you learn English that will make 6 ;P ;P ----------------------------- "I leave no turn un-stoned. " - John Simmons, Nov 6 2001 -----------------------------

Mike Burston

I mean, why choose Christianity when Islam is basically the same and you get to have mutliple wives! David, you are in danger of being lured to the 'dark side' here - the superficial advantages of the "multiple wifes" concept in no way compensates for the many, many disadvantages. You have been warned ... ----------------------------- "I leave no turn un-stoned. " - John Simmons, Nov 6 2001 -----------------------------

Paul Watson

Nice one John :) you've been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!" There we have it folks. God admitting we evolved from apes :-D "To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall." All you literal nutters take note While this piece was obviously humour it definitley strikes a serious chord and makes you think. I wonder why whatever power there is has not stepped... maybe we have to be on the absolute brink before mercy arrives? regards, Paul Watson Bluegrass Cape Town, South Africa "The greatest thing you will ever learn is to love, and be loved in return" - Moulin Rouge "In other words, the developer is dealing with an elephant, the accountant is dealing with a bunny rabbit." by Stan Shannon - 16/10/2001

Daniel Ferguson

Anyway, it's probably better just to invent your own religion anyway, that seems to have worked well for others. You can tailor it to your needs that way. Want more wives? You got it. Want virgins waiting for you in the afterlife? Alakazam, it's done! Want to always be right because 'god' is on your side? No problem, even if you contradict yourself. Hell, you can even play with poisonous snakes if you want to. The potential of religion is only limited by the power of your imagination. The only problem is that if something goes wrong you might have to die for your cause. (in case it isn't totally obvious, I'm being sarcastic) "das leid schlaft in der maschine" -Einstürzende Neubauten

realJSOP

What the hell are you talking about? The original post was meant to provide a link to a satirical post about god. Stop taking life so seriously. Religion my dyin' sphinctre... "...the staggering layers of obscenity in your statement make it a work of art on so many levels." - Jason Jystad, 10/26/2001

realJSOP

You are a truly enlightened individual. Soon, you will be joined by other enlightened individuals. Of course, I may have to *force* enlightenment upon some of them, so I hope you're not too queasey about seeing burnt or missing body parts. "...the staggering layers of obscenity in your statement make it a work of art on so many levels." - Jason Jystad, 10/26/2001

David Wulff

As you can see by the number of posts in this thread, there are many people here who say they are non-religious. The problem is that they are not comfortable with it, they seem to be searching for something in their lives, they just don't know what it is. That is a very arrogant view to posses. I am not, and neither are any of the non religious people I know personally, searching for anything. Why would we want to? What logical purpose would it provide? What could it give us that we can;t find on our own. Nothing expect for false hope and shielding the nasty, horrible truth of the world from opur feeble minds. I am perfectly comfortable with being a *real* athiest. David Wulff, Founder of The BLA dwulff@battleaxesoftware.com New's flash - Bob caught in kitchen incident.

David Wulff

I would never (or at least I hope I would never) need more than one wife. But if Satanism offered a herd of lesser spotted west european goats - then i;d be in like a flash. *cough*. (j/k) David Wulff, Founder of The BLA dwulff@battleaxesoftware.com New's flash - Bob caught in kitchen incident.