With fronds like you, who needs enemas. I mean aenomes. Sorry, but somebody had to say it.

Light first rope on both ends. Because it doesn't burn evenly, the flames may not meet in the middle but the entire rope will still burn in 30 minutes. Sell second rope and buy a cheap watch. Drop cheap watch from top of Dubai towers. Due to updraft, it will take exactly 45 minutes for the watch to hit the ground. Plus or minus 44 minutes.

They see you scrollin', they hatin'

C'mon folks, where's your heart? Somebody needs to set up a GoFundMe site to help this poor chap out! Maybe we can get Matt Damon to publicize it. If we can raise $50k we can hire Mark Wahlberg to emcee a telethon!