What corporate buzzwords do you hate? [modified]
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You guys are doing it all wrong ... as these types of things come up in conversation, generally while in meetings and/or speaking with Marketing/Sales weasels, you need to create your own catch phrases and "buzz words", and act like this is all perfectly normal industry "speak", all the while, watching the person you're speaking with completely loose sight of what they asked/wanted/needed. Example [Marketing Freak] Hey Doug! We spec'd out this new value-add and wanted to you to give us a ballpark on the features. We have several big TLC players that are forcing this paradigm shift; can you give me an ETA on this right now? [Me] Well, your Use Case is weak and lacks consideration regarding multi-port security issues. We'd have to create a dual-UNICODE interface to provide adequate back-end remoting support, and should probably implement using a SSL encrypted web service; that's provided IT can even supply you with the required quad core multiprocessor server you'll need to properly distribute and handle the necessary load balance. I'd estimate no less than 6 months development time estimating the overall project scope, once you've hard lined the white paper, been approved by accounting for the necessary budget increases and have verified with Microsoft that we have the proper certifications on file to avoid copyright infringement. [Marketing Freak - trying to look like he knows what the he** I just said] Sure thing buddy! Thanks! [Me] Hey! No problem, catch ya on the Teraflop. I've found, most people stop trying to ask me anything by the time I'm done with them, or learn not to really quick. :-D
:..::. Douglas H. Troy ::..
Bad Astronomy |wxWidgets|Viksoe.dk's SiteDouglas Troy wrote:
[Me] Well, your Use Case is weak and lacks consideration regarding multi-port security issues. We'd have to create a dual-UNICODE interface to provide adequate back-end remoting support, and should probably implement using a SSL encrypted web service; that's provided IT can even supply you with the required quad core multiprocessor server you'll need to properly distribute and handle the necessary load balance. I'd estimate no less than 6 months development time estimating the overall project scope, once you've hard lined the white paper, been approved by accounting for the necessary budget increases and have verified with Microsoft that we have the proper certifications on file to avoid copyright infringement.
I'm impressed by the spew of jargon...but it makes a great non-answer.
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Josh Smith wrote:
Buzzword: Cycles
Ping -- Ping me when you get some spare cycles.
Jon Sagara When I grow up, I'm changing my name to Joe Kickass! My Site | My Blog | My Articles
Ping me when you have some spare cycles, so I can circle back to you, we will aquire some more resources and synergistically ballpark an estimate for adding value to our software.
Any sufficiently gross incompetence is nearly indistinguishable from malice.
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You guys are doing it all wrong ... as these types of things come up in conversation, generally while in meetings and/or speaking with Marketing/Sales weasels, you need to create your own catch phrases and "buzz words", and act like this is all perfectly normal industry "speak", all the while, watching the person you're speaking with completely loose sight of what they asked/wanted/needed. Example [Marketing Freak] Hey Doug! We spec'd out this new value-add and wanted to you to give us a ballpark on the features. We have several big TLC players that are forcing this paradigm shift; can you give me an ETA on this right now? [Me] Well, your Use Case is weak and lacks consideration regarding multi-port security issues. We'd have to create a dual-UNICODE interface to provide adequate back-end remoting support, and should probably implement using a SSL encrypted web service; that's provided IT can even supply you with the required quad core multiprocessor server you'll need to properly distribute and handle the necessary load balance. I'd estimate no less than 6 months development time estimating the overall project scope, once you've hard lined the white paper, been approved by accounting for the necessary budget increases and have verified with Microsoft that we have the proper certifications on file to avoid copyright infringement. [Marketing Freak - trying to look like he knows what the he** I just said] Sure thing buddy! Thanks! [Me] Hey! No problem, catch ya on the Teraflop. I've found, most people stop trying to ask me anything by the time I'm done with them, or learn not to really quick. :-D
:..::. Douglas H. Troy ::..
Bad Astronomy |wxWidgets|Viksoe.dk's SiteYou rock!! :) You are my new personal hero (right after Frank Barone[^] and Al Bundy[^])! :)
¡El diablo está en mis pantalones! ¡Mire, mire! Real Mentats use only 100% pure, unfooled around with Sapho Juice(tm)! SELECT * FROM User WHERE Clue > 0 0 rows returned Save an Orange - Use the VCF!
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Duncan Edwards Jones wrote:
"we need to get together to touch base on the slippage"
I think I saw a porno which started with that line...
:josh: My WPF Blog[^]
Or maybe it was "we need to get together to ballpark on the slippage" :laugh:
Any sufficiently gross incompetence is nearly indistinguishable from malice.
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Ping me when you have some spare cycles, so I can circle back to you, we will aquire some more resources and synergistically ballpark an estimate for adding value to our software.
Any sufficiently gross incompetence is nearly indistinguishable from malice.
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You rock!! :) You are my new personal hero (right after Frank Barone[^] and Al Bundy[^])! :)
¡El diablo está en mis pantalones! ¡Mire, mire! Real Mentats use only 100% pure, unfooled around with Sapho Juice(tm)! SELECT * FROM User WHERE Clue > 0 0 rows returned Save an Orange - Use the VCF!
:-> well gosh, thanks Jim! It's an honor to be lumped in with Frank and Al. :laugh:
:..::. Douglas H. Troy ::..
Bad Astronomy |wxWidgets|Viksoe.dk's Site -
Champion (of a project / champion a project) Execute (we need to execute on this!) Solution (we need to be a Solution Provider!) Customer-facing (the sales people are customer-facing) VOC - (Voice Of the Customer) SWAG - Scientific Wild-Ass Guess In order to drive revenues in the long-term, and execute on this strategic vision, we must harness our core competencies and align our core business units to deliver customer-centric solutions across all vertical markets. fnck yeah boyeee!
Do the chickens have large talons?
-- modified at 11:10 Friday 21st July, 2006
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SWAG is NOT that term - it is silly wild ass guess to distinguish it from WAG - a more accurate wild ass guess :)
Charlie Gilley Will program for food... Whoever said children were cheaper by the dozen... lied. My son's PDA is an M249 SAW.
i've always heard it the way i wrote it - SWAG is a more educated guess than a WAG. for example (first hit on google "SWAG Acronym") : http://www.acronymfinder.com/af-query.asp?Acronym=swag[^])
Do the chickens have large talons?
-- modified at 12:09 Friday 21st July, 2006
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My top 3: Buzzword: Cycles Usage: If you have some free cycles, let me know, we have plenty of work to do. Reason for hate: I am not a machine, therefore I do not have little cogs and gears whirling around. Buzzword: Circle Back Usage: Why don't you go read my memo and then circle back to me when you get a chance. Reason for hate: What office is arranged in such a way that I could travel in a perfect circle and get tasks done? What kind of simple minded oaf thinks that life is that simple? Buzzword: Ballpark Usage: I don't need exact figures here, just ballpark it for me. Reason for hate: Ballpark is a noun. And what the hell does a ballpark have to do with an estimate?! X|
:josh: My WPF Blog[^]
-- modified at 10:34 Friday 21st July, 2006 Upon second thought, perhaps I should have phrased the question as "What corporate buzzwords do you not hate?" That would have made it much easier to write your complete answer! None!! :-D
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My top 3: Buzzword: Cycles Usage: If you have some free cycles, let me know, we have plenty of work to do. Reason for hate: I am not a machine, therefore I do not have little cogs and gears whirling around. Buzzword: Circle Back Usage: Why don't you go read my memo and then circle back to me when you get a chance. Reason for hate: What office is arranged in such a way that I could travel in a perfect circle and get tasks done? What kind of simple minded oaf thinks that life is that simple? Buzzword: Ballpark Usage: I don't need exact figures here, just ballpark it for me. Reason for hate: Ballpark is a noun. And what the hell does a ballpark have to do with an estimate?! X|
:josh: My WPF Blog[^]
-- modified at 10:34 Friday 21st July, 2006 Upon second thought, perhaps I should have phrased the question as "What corporate buzzwords do you not hate?" That would have made it much easier to write your complete answer! None!! :-D
Military Campaign Its a friggin war!!!!!!!!!!! And if you think that its not just a large corporation...
This statement is false.
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My top 3: Buzzword: Cycles Usage: If you have some free cycles, let me know, we have plenty of work to do. Reason for hate: I am not a machine, therefore I do not have little cogs and gears whirling around. Buzzword: Circle Back Usage: Why don't you go read my memo and then circle back to me when you get a chance. Reason for hate: What office is arranged in such a way that I could travel in a perfect circle and get tasks done? What kind of simple minded oaf thinks that life is that simple? Buzzword: Ballpark Usage: I don't need exact figures here, just ballpark it for me. Reason for hate: Ballpark is a noun. And what the hell does a ballpark have to do with an estimate?! X|
:josh: My WPF Blog[^]
-- modified at 10:34 Friday 21st July, 2006 Upon second thought, perhaps I should have phrased the question as "What corporate buzzwords do you not hate?" That would have made it much easier to write your complete answer! None!! :-D
I used to hear that a lot here a few years ago :laugh: And 'they' talked about business balance score card an awful lot. All engineers would be sleeping during the townhall meeting. Or even worse, they'd stay at their work place until someone present at the meeting pinged it was over and then we'd all go there and have a beer, haha. ;P
Wout
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All of them. If you don't have the capacity to explain what you are trying to say without grabbing the nearest buzzword you can find then please just keep your mouth shut. But I'd have to say "touch base" is my hated buzzword de jour.
cheers, Chris Maunder
CodeProject.com : C++ MVP
Chris Maunder wrote:
touch base
Oh, I cannot stand that one. "Let's touch base later on those ballpark figures." :mad:
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You're fired"
"Why don't you tie a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants won't climb up and eat your candy ass..." - Dale Earnhardt, 1997
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"...the staggering layers of obscenity in your statement make it a work of art on so many levels." - Jason Jystad, 10/26/2001I'm with you. If it's anything but "You're fired" or "HR needs to see you - you should probably bring your attorney", then I can deal with it.
Hit & Run Poster Warning: If you want me to reply, you'll need to email me directly as I rarely have time to continually check back for responses. Tom Archer (blog) Program Manager - Windows SDK Headers, Libraries & Tools MICROSOFT
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Bassam Abdul-Baki wrote:
Think outside the box
I've tried that and I prefer to stay INSIDE THE BOX :-D
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http://www.bullshitbingo.net/cards/bullshit/[^]
-------- "I say no to drugs, but they don't listen." - Marilyn Manson
MP (2) wrote:
Sweet link :laugh:
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I've seen that list elsewhere. Some of those are funny! SITCOMs: An acronym for the new yuppie. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. That's satire, baby! :cool:
:josh: My WPF Blog[^]
Josh Smith wrote:
SITCOMs: An acronym for the new yuppie. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
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1. Blamestorming: sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. 2. Seagull manager: a manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. 3. Chainsaw consultant: an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. 4. Idea hampsters: people who always have their idea generators running. 5. Mouse potato: the wired generation of couch potato 6. Prairie dogging: when someone yells or drops something loudly in the cubicle farm, all the heads pop up over walls to see the excitement. 7. SITCOMs: An acronym for the new yuppie. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. 8. DINKs: Dual Income, No Kids. 9. Stress puppy: a person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 10. Alpha geek: that most knowledgable tech guy/gal in your office. 11. Assmosis: process by which some employees seem to absord success by kissing up to the boss rather than actually working.
Those are really good, here, have a 5 :)
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Analysis paralysis Example: "I don't want this project to become a victim of analysis paralysis!" Intended to mean: Spending too much time on analysis slows progress to a crawl. What it really means: "I'm too incompetent to actually think about what I want up front. I'd rather continually change requirements and make things up as I go." Bleeding edge Example: "We need the newest software so we can be on the bleeding edge of technology!" Intended to mean: Desire for the company to be industry technology leaders. What it really means: "I don't care if the new stuff works, I want it anyway, because then I can look cool in front of my peers who read the trade magazines." Bottom line Example: "We're not going to sell widgets in Canada, and that's the bottom line!" Intended to mean: The decision has been made and is final. What it really means: "I'm the fucking boss, so stop questioning me! Your logical arguments hold no sway against my whims!" Box, outside the Example: "That solution won't work. We need to think outside the box, people!" Intended to mean: Be clever and innovative to solve this problem. What it really means: "I can't think of a good solution either, but you guys are the morons, not me." Core competency Example: "Our company's core competency is creating widgets." Intended to mean: This is what the company does best, we are experts. What it really means: "We really don't do anything very well, but this is the thing we suck the least at, and if we use big words like "competency" maybe we can fool you." "Exciting times" Example: "With the release of Widget version 6.0, this is a very exciting time!" Intended to mean: The company has a promising future. What it really means: Has there ever in the history of corporate memos or speeches been "boring times"? Judging by CEO statements, every company at every time is "exciting". This is by far the most overused buzzword for a company describing itself. Face time Example: "I'd like to see more face time from you." Intended to mean: Try to make yourself more available. What it really means: "I don't care how productive you are, as long as you arrive before (and are seen by) upper management, and leave after upper management has left, to give them the impression my team is working hard." Fire drill Example: "The widget design is all wrong! Hurry up, it's a fire drill to fix it!" Intended to mean: This is an emergency. What it really means: "I screwed up due to poor planning and
Thanks, it was a long read. Maybe you should submit it as an article :-D
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dan neely wrote:
proactive
X| I prefer not to be proactive ;P
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You guys are doing it all wrong ... as these types of things come up in conversation, generally while in meetings and/or speaking with Marketing/Sales weasels, you need to create your own catch phrases and "buzz words", and act like this is all perfectly normal industry "speak", all the while, watching the person you're speaking with completely loose sight of what they asked/wanted/needed. Example [Marketing Freak] Hey Doug! We spec'd out this new value-add and wanted to you to give us a ballpark on the features. We have several big TLC players that are forcing this paradigm shift; can you give me an ETA on this right now? [Me] Well, your Use Case is weak and lacks consideration regarding multi-port security issues. We'd have to create a dual-UNICODE interface to provide adequate back-end remoting support, and should probably implement using a SSL encrypted web service; that's provided IT can even supply you with the required quad core multiprocessor server you'll need to properly distribute and handle the necessary load balance. I'd estimate no less than 6 months development time estimating the overall project scope, once you've hard lined the white paper, been approved by accounting for the necessary budget increases and have verified with Microsoft that we have the proper certifications on file to avoid copyright infringement. [Marketing Freak - trying to look like he knows what the he** I just said] Sure thing buddy! Thanks! [Me] Hey! No problem, catch ya on the Teraflop. I've found, most people stop trying to ask me anything by the time I'm done with them, or learn not to really quick. :-D
:..::. Douglas H. Troy ::..
Bad Astronomy |wxWidgets|Viksoe.dk's SiteYou haven't reached master level until you manage to sneak references like "re-couple the phase inducers to modulate the tachyon field", "we need to upgrade to 1.21 Gigawatts to make that happen"
I can imagine the sinking feeling one would have after ordering my book, only to find a laughably ridiculous theory with demented logic once the book arrives - Mark McCutcheon
