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Homework help of a different variety

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adobehelploungelearning
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  • S soap brain

    For English. Basically we had to draw a basic plot out of a hat and write a short story based off it. I drew 'running away from home', and I've written some, but I have no idea where I'm going with it. I need some ideas for an ending, and of course the other bits I've left out. General criticism is certainly welcome too, as long as it's critical praise! :-D Anyway, here it is: **** I felt like I’d made the right choice, even though there was no choice. Not really. All I’d done was all I could do. I’d put some warm clothes on, stuffed my black backpack that was only three weeks old. And that was it. I was gone. Slinking through the darkness, caressed by the breath that crystallised in front of me. Only able to see a distance of mere inches, the air was so bad. I was lost, it seemed. Despite the purpose in my walk, despite the assuredness in my face. I was as transparent as glass, a little kid lost and scared. Maybe my eyes gave it away, the way I always looked away. My lips in a silent prayer to whoever would listen. I told them that I didn’t want to die here tonight. And I kept on telling them. I was on my way to see my friend. He was the loneliest kid I had ever seen, save for me. Lonelier, even, because he was strong and I was weak. I needed him, but he didn’t need me. Still, he agreed to come with me tonight. He knew he had to, too. He was going to our secret place, like I was. And after that, we’d get away. Just like we’d always dreamed. I found him, as I knew I would. Waiting for me. And I felt a tremendous rush of gratitude towards him, for being here. Reminding me that I am not alone. I wanted him to see how happy I was to see him, but his eyes were downcast. Like he didn’t even see me. Like he was vaguely someone else. And he muttered, more to himself than anything, that we should get going right away. And we did. We were quiet, because we had to be, at least at the moment. But, the quietude dripped from him, from those sad, dark eyes. I wished he would look at me, let me know that we were in it together. Instead, he breathed deeply and silently, and focused inwardly. Shutting out the world. Telling IT to keep away, rather than the other way around. We had to be careful that we weren’t seen. Because that would be it. And it couldn’t be it, not yet. Because we weren’t ready for it to be. I could feel the danger hanging off my nerve-endings, threatening to snap them. And our footsteps seemed inordinately loud. And I couldn’t stop my stupid body from trembling. But we weren’t going t

    D Offline
    D Offline
    Dalek Dave
    wrote on last edited by
    #5

    If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart, absent thee from felicity awhile.

    ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

    1 Reply Last reply
    0
    • C Christian Graus

      Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

      I was afraid that I wasn’t what he wanted me to be. But he stopped and turned to me, and I did the same. I couldn’t help it - he was commanding like that.

      You're writing from a woman's perspective ?

      Christian Graus No longer a Microsoft MVP, but still happy to answer your questions.

      S Offline
      S Offline
      soap brain
      wrote on last edited by
      #6

      That wasn't the plan, but it doesn't matter overly.

      D 1 Reply Last reply
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      • S soap brain

        Do you feel loved yet?

        L Offline
        L Offline
        Lost User
        wrote on last edited by
        #7

        I didn't read what you post yet

        The Developer - CEH

        S 1 Reply Last reply
        0
        • S soap brain

          That wasn't the plan, but it doesn't matter overly.

          D Offline
          D Offline
          Dalek Dave
          wrote on last edited by
          #8

          Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

          That wasn't the plan, but it doesn't matter overly.

          ? Never end a Sentence with a preposition! Up with this I will not put.

          ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

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          • D Dalek Dave

            Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

            That wasn't the plan, but it doesn't matter overly.

            ? Never end a Sentence with a preposition! Up with this I will not put.

            ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

            S Offline
            S Offline
            soap brain
            wrote on last edited by
            #9

            'Overly' is an adverb. ;P

            D 1 Reply Last reply
            0
            • L Lost User

              I didn't read what you post yet

              The Developer - CEH

              S Offline
              S Offline
              soap brain
              wrote on last edited by
              #10

              The Developer wrote:

              I didn't read what to post yet

              What's your native language? :confused:

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              • S soap brain

                The Developer wrote:

                I didn't read what to post yet

                What's your native language? :confused:

                L Offline
                L Offline
                Lost User
                wrote on last edited by
                #11

                :omg:

                Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                The Developer wrote: I didn't read what to post yet

                from where did you get that. i didn't say that :wtf: :omg:

                The Developer - CEH

                S M 2 Replies Last reply
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                • L Lost User

                  :omg:

                  Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                  The Developer wrote: I didn't read what to post yet

                  from where did you get that. i didn't say that :wtf: :omg:

                  The Developer - CEH

                  S Offline
                  S Offline
                  soap brain
                  wrote on last edited by
                  #12

                  Does anyone like you?

                  L 1 Reply Last reply
                  0
                  • S soap brain

                    For English. Basically we had to draw a basic plot out of a hat and write a short story based off it. I drew 'running away from home', and I've written some, but I have no idea where I'm going with it. I need some ideas for an ending, and of course the other bits I've left out. General criticism is certainly welcome too, as long as it's critical praise! :-D Anyway, here it is: **** I felt like I’d made the right choice, even though there was no choice. Not really. All I’d done was all I could do. I’d put some warm clothes on, stuffed my black backpack that was only three weeks old. And that was it. I was gone. Slinking through the darkness, caressed by the breath that crystallised in front of me. Only able to see a distance of mere inches, the air was so bad. I was lost, it seemed. Despite the purpose in my walk, despite the assuredness in my face. I was as transparent as glass, a little kid lost and scared. Maybe my eyes gave it away, the way I always looked away. My lips in a silent prayer to whoever would listen. I told them that I didn’t want to die here tonight. And I kept on telling them. I was on my way to see my friend. He was the loneliest kid I had ever seen, save for me. Lonelier, even, because he was strong and I was weak. I needed him, but he didn’t need me. Still, he agreed to come with me tonight. He knew he had to, too. He was going to our secret place, like I was. And after that, we’d get away. Just like we’d always dreamed. I found him, as I knew I would. Waiting for me. And I felt a tremendous rush of gratitude towards him, for being here. Reminding me that I am not alone. I wanted him to see how happy I was to see him, but his eyes were downcast. Like he didn’t even see me. Like he was vaguely someone else. And he muttered, more to himself than anything, that we should get going right away. And we did. We were quiet, because we had to be, at least at the moment. But, the quietude dripped from him, from those sad, dark eyes. I wished he would look at me, let me know that we were in it together. Instead, he breathed deeply and silently, and focused inwardly. Shutting out the world. Telling IT to keep away, rather than the other way around. We had to be careful that we weren’t seen. Because that would be it. And it couldn’t be it, not yet. Because we weren’t ready for it to be. I could feel the danger hanging off my nerve-endings, threatening to snap them. And our footsteps seemed inordinately loud. And I couldn’t stop my stupid body from trembling. But we weren’t going t

                    S Offline
                    S Offline
                    SimulationofSai
                    wrote on last edited by
                    #13

                    Too many short sentences. It feels like driving through a road full of speed bumps. Most of your paragraphs are like that. Make em a little longer.

                    S 1 Reply Last reply
                    0
                    • S SimulationofSai

                      Too many short sentences. It feels like driving through a road full of speed bumps. Most of your paragraphs are like that. Make em a little longer.

                      S Offline
                      S Offline
                      soap brain
                      wrote on last edited by
                      #14

                      SimulationofSai wrote:

                      Too many short sentences.

                      I was trying for a different style to my usual one. Normally I'm rather verbose. :laugh:

                      SimulationofSai wrote:

                      Most of your paragraphs are like that. Make em a little longer.

                      If I'm honest, they look longer on Word. :)

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                      • S soap brain

                        'Overly' is an adverb. ;P

                        D Offline
                        D Offline
                        Dalek Dave
                        wrote on last edited by
                        #15

                        Don't end sentences with Adverbs either! :)

                        ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

                        F 2 Replies Last reply
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                        • S soap brain

                          SimulationofSai wrote:

                          Too many short sentences.

                          I was trying for a different style to my usual one. Normally I'm rather verbose. :laugh:

                          SimulationofSai wrote:

                          Most of your paragraphs are like that. Make em a little longer.

                          If I'm honest, they look longer on Word. :)

                          D Offline
                          D Offline
                          Dalek Dave
                          wrote on last edited by
                          #16

                          Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                          I was trying for a different style to my usual one. Normally I'm rather verbose.

                          Different FROM! Similar TO! Good Grammar helps when reading, B+

                          ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

                          S 1 Reply Last reply
                          0
                          • S soap brain

                            Does anyone like you?

                            L Offline
                            L Offline
                            Lost User
                            wrote on last edited by
                            #17

                            I think the question should be do they like you

                            The Developer - CEH

                            S 1 Reply Last reply
                            0
                            • S soap brain

                              For English. Basically we had to draw a basic plot out of a hat and write a short story based off it. I drew 'running away from home', and I've written some, but I have no idea where I'm going with it. I need some ideas for an ending, and of course the other bits I've left out. General criticism is certainly welcome too, as long as it's critical praise! :-D Anyway, here it is: **** I felt like I’d made the right choice, even though there was no choice. Not really. All I’d done was all I could do. I’d put some warm clothes on, stuffed my black backpack that was only three weeks old. And that was it. I was gone. Slinking through the darkness, caressed by the breath that crystallised in front of me. Only able to see a distance of mere inches, the air was so bad. I was lost, it seemed. Despite the purpose in my walk, despite the assuredness in my face. I was as transparent as glass, a little kid lost and scared. Maybe my eyes gave it away, the way I always looked away. My lips in a silent prayer to whoever would listen. I told them that I didn’t want to die here tonight. And I kept on telling them. I was on my way to see my friend. He was the loneliest kid I had ever seen, save for me. Lonelier, even, because he was strong and I was weak. I needed him, but he didn’t need me. Still, he agreed to come with me tonight. He knew he had to, too. He was going to our secret place, like I was. And after that, we’d get away. Just like we’d always dreamed. I found him, as I knew I would. Waiting for me. And I felt a tremendous rush of gratitude towards him, for being here. Reminding me that I am not alone. I wanted him to see how happy I was to see him, but his eyes were downcast. Like he didn’t even see me. Like he was vaguely someone else. And he muttered, more to himself than anything, that we should get going right away. And we did. We were quiet, because we had to be, at least at the moment. But, the quietude dripped from him, from those sad, dark eyes. I wished he would look at me, let me know that we were in it together. Instead, he breathed deeply and silently, and focused inwardly. Shutting out the world. Telling IT to keep away, rather than the other way around. We had to be careful that we weren’t seen. Because that would be it. And it couldn’t be it, not yet. Because we weren’t ready for it to be. I could feel the danger hanging off my nerve-endings, threatening to snap them. And our footsteps seemed inordinately loud. And I couldn’t stop my stupid body from trembling. But we weren’t going t

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                              B Offline
                              blackjack2150
                              wrote on last edited by
                              #18

                              The style reminds me of Sin City (the movie). You need Bruce Willis to read it for you. :)

                              1 Reply Last reply
                              0
                              • D Dalek Dave

                                Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                                I was trying for a different style to my usual one. Normally I'm rather verbose.

                                Different FROM! Similar TO! Good Grammar helps when reading, B+

                                ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

                                S Offline
                                S Offline
                                soap brain
                                wrote on last edited by
                                #19

                                I beg to differ - as Henry Fowler[^] once said: That different can only be followed by 'from' and not by 'to' is a superstition. So there. ;P ;)

                                D 1 Reply Last reply
                                0
                                • L Lost User

                                  I think the question should be do they like you

                                  The Developer - CEH

                                  S Offline
                                  S Offline
                                  soap brain
                                  wrote on last edited by
                                  #20

                                  Just answer the damn question.

                                  C 1 Reply Last reply
                                  0
                                  • S soap brain

                                    Just answer the damn question.

                                    C Offline
                                    C Offline
                                    Christian Graus
                                    wrote on last edited by
                                    #21

                                    Just get a room, the pair of you.

                                    Christian Graus No longer a Microsoft MVP, but still happy to answer your questions.

                                    S 1 Reply Last reply
                                    0
                                    • D Dalek Dave

                                      Don't end sentences with Adverbs either! :)

                                      ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

                                      F Offline
                                      F Offline
                                      ftw melvin
                                      wrote on last edited by
                                      #22

                                      LOL (good recovery DD, I don't think anyone noticed).

                                      "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

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                                      0
                                      • C Christian Graus

                                        Just get a room, the pair of you.

                                        Christian Graus No longer a Microsoft MVP, but still happy to answer your questions.

                                        S Offline
                                        S Offline
                                        soap brain
                                        wrote on last edited by
                                        #23

                                        That's what I've been trying to do! He's not quite so corruptible, though. ;)

                                        L F 2 Replies Last reply
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                                        • S soap brain

                                          For English. Basically we had to draw a basic plot out of a hat and write a short story based off it. I drew 'running away from home', and I've written some, but I have no idea where I'm going with it. I need some ideas for an ending, and of course the other bits I've left out. General criticism is certainly welcome too, as long as it's critical praise! :-D Anyway, here it is: **** I felt like I’d made the right choice, even though there was no choice. Not really. All I’d done was all I could do. I’d put some warm clothes on, stuffed my black backpack that was only three weeks old. And that was it. I was gone. Slinking through the darkness, caressed by the breath that crystallised in front of me. Only able to see a distance of mere inches, the air was so bad. I was lost, it seemed. Despite the purpose in my walk, despite the assuredness in my face. I was as transparent as glass, a little kid lost and scared. Maybe my eyes gave it away, the way I always looked away. My lips in a silent prayer to whoever would listen. I told them that I didn’t want to die here tonight. And I kept on telling them. I was on my way to see my friend. He was the loneliest kid I had ever seen, save for me. Lonelier, even, because he was strong and I was weak. I needed him, but he didn’t need me. Still, he agreed to come with me tonight. He knew he had to, too. He was going to our secret place, like I was. And after that, we’d get away. Just like we’d always dreamed. I found him, as I knew I would. Waiting for me. And I felt a tremendous rush of gratitude towards him, for being here. Reminding me that I am not alone. I wanted him to see how happy I was to see him, but his eyes were downcast. Like he didn’t even see me. Like he was vaguely someone else. And he muttered, more to himself than anything, that we should get going right away. And we did. We were quiet, because we had to be, at least at the moment. But, the quietude dripped from him, from those sad, dark eyes. I wished he would look at me, let me know that we were in it together. Instead, he breathed deeply and silently, and focused inwardly. Shutting out the world. Telling IT to keep away, rather than the other way around. We had to be careful that we weren’t seen. Because that would be it. And it couldn’t be it, not yet. Because we weren’t ready for it to be. I could feel the danger hanging off my nerve-endings, threatening to snap them. And our footsteps seemed inordinately loud. And I couldn’t stop my stupid body from trembling. But we weren’t going t

                                          F Offline
                                          F Offline
                                          ftw melvin
                                          wrote on last edited by
                                          #24

                                          The structure isn't quite right; you need to have some kind of conflict in the middle - perhaps an argument that causes the two of you to assess what you are doing: eg 1. Argument causes boy to leave you to return home (he can come back if it helps) 2. You come across other runaways whose life style forces you to consider where this will lead eg prostitution 3. You are forcibly parted 4. You reveal a revelation eg pregnancy that turns the story into something different 5. The boy turns into a flesh eating zombie, from Mars Overcoming the conflict will give some purpose to the end of the story. Texts to consider: Waiting for Godot (possibly a bit wordy) Of Mice and Men Watership Down Zombie Flesh Eaters from Mars

                                          "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

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