Chronic low self-esteem?
-
:) I appreciate the input. However, I've been happily married for 5 years now, and have a beautiful daughter. :) Women aren't the problem. Or at least not the major problem. The issue is that I find myself thinking (almost knowing) that I'm better than everyone else. Mostly at my job, but at other things in life too. I don't like this feeling, and attribute it to a lack of self-confidence. I believe I'm a fine catch too. A good husband and a good father. J
"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."
Jamie Hale wrote: However, I've been happily married for 5 years now, and have a beautiful daughter. Women aren't the problem. Or at least not the major problem. Sorry if I jumped in late I did not read the gazillion replies... Jamie Hale wrote: The issue is that I find myself thinking (almost knowing) that I'm better than everyone else. Mostly at my job, but at other things in life too. I don't like this feeling, and attribute it to a lack of self-confidence. :confused: I have the same feelings and I attribrute it to a lot of self-confidence. John
-
Marc Clifton wrote: Go to the mall and watch the people. Instant low self-esteem cure. :) Thanks for the smile. However... that's part of the problem. One of the things I do to compensate for my low self-esteem is to be critical of others. I've come far enough to realize that this is how I deal with it, and I don't like it. I don't like to be that holier-than-thou person. J
"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."
Jamie Hale wrote: One of the things I do to compensate for my low self-esteem is to be critical of others. Well, it's one thing to be critical, which in itself leads to low self-esteem, and another thing to acknowledge the differences in people. If you don't do that, it's pretty much impossible to work with people, because you have to figure out how each person is different. Their strengths AND their weaknesses. Jamie Hale wrote: I don't like to be that holier-than-thou person. The other instant cure for low self-esteem is the Dale Carnegie approach. Instead of the 3 C's--criticize, complain, and condemn--find something sincerely positive to say or think about a person. You feel better, because all of a sudden your world IS better. A person smiling back from a compliment is a powerful thing. Marc Help! I'm an AI running around in someone's f*cked up universe simulator.
Sensitivity and ethnic diversity means celebrating difference, not hiding from it. - Christian Graus
Every line of code is a liability - Taka Muraoka
Microsoft deliberately adds arbitrary layers of complexity to make it difficult to deliver Windows features on non-Windows platforms--Microsoft's "Halloween files" -
Identify your insecurities and then get rid of them. Me, I used to fat, and I was insecure about it. Well, I lost the fat! Seems simple, but few rarely do it. It's liberating actually. Jeremy Falcon
Jeremy Falcon wrote: Me, I used to fat, You fat??? Dang, from your bio pic, you look pretty studly to me. (And don't go getting any ideas about my preferences. I think a man can say that to another man without all sorts of idiotic ideas coming into one's head). Marc Help! I'm an AI running around in someone's f*cked up universe simulator.
Sensitivity and ethnic diversity means celebrating difference, not hiding from it. - Christian Graus
Every line of code is a liability - Taka Muraoka
Microsoft deliberately adds arbitrary layers of complexity to make it difficult to deliver Windows features on non-Windows platforms--Microsoft's "Halloween files" -
Jamie Hale wrote: Are you suggesting that I shouldn't complain about it? Low-self esteem is too broad a brush. Try to look for the details. If you're sad that you're too short or too tall. Move on - it can't be changed so there is no point worrying about it. If you're sad that you're too fat or too thin than start doing something about it. It can be changed so make it better. If it's less physical and more "virtual" like: I don't like my housing situation, employment, social life, etc... than it's time to start taking some chances or big moves on the way to self improvement. If it's a general sense of "blah" without any specifics attached that's lasted for more than a few weeks, than I'd see a doctor about low level depression. A few months of Prozac or Paxil might just do the trick. Jamie Hale wrote: Just keep it all to myself? Nope - talking about problems and issues is almost always beneficial, just try not to stress or become depressed about things that cannot change. What's the point?
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.Mike Mullikin wrote: just try not to stress or become depressed about things that cannot change. What's the point? I wholehearted agree. Buddhism was mentioned elsewhere in this thread, and if I could reduce my situation to an issue that I can change or cannot change, I would be so happy. Perhaps that's where I should be aiming... Regardless, it's not a physical thing at all. Sure I'm short and a little overweight, but I exercise and most of the time I feel good about myself physically. It's also not a sense of "blah" - unless it's coupled with fatigue. Then I just need to sleep it off. Most of the time I'm driven to do something: write, think, exercise, etc. Usually, it manifests itself as an unhappiness in my job. Now it could be a simple as me not being in the right career, but then I end up down the path of "well what the hell should I be doing - I don't know how to do anything other than programming" or "I have a gigantic debt load - we'd be screwed if I quit my job - no other career will pay me this much". Then I start to wonder why I can't just put up with my job like everyone else. And I wonder why I can't just find what it is a really want to do with my life, and be strong enough to do it regardless of the consequences (financially and socially). Then I watch Office Space again. Then I harken back to all the cool stuff I've read about Luddism and Anarchy. And then I get all pissed off because Office Space had this cool Luddism/Anarchism theme running through it up until the middle someplace where they had to introduce the ultimate plot device - the computer virus. But I digress. I think you've helped to compartmentalize the problem for me. It's probably going to resolve itself with me either putting up with it, or me making a significant change. And by "putting up with it", I mean accepting that I'm one of those people who doesn't like (career) work. :) No clue what the significant change might be. Thanks for the input. J
"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."
-
Jamie Hale wrote: What do you do to cope? strong drinks long naps staring glassy-eyed into the distance hoping for the end To vote with no response is to follow the way of the coward.
Chris Losinger wrote: strong drinks Yah, and that's part of the problem I'm sure. I've just determined recently that alcohol is a trigger for some rather unpleasant reactions in my gut. I have a cellar full of wine, and a bar filled with a nice collection of single-malts. :mad: J
"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."
-
Money. I buy things. (responsibly). Works a treat as it gives you something bright to look forward to at the end fo the day. Friends try and help, and do to an extent, but other than theat I haven't found anything that works. What is bad for me is that I never had any of this six years ago so like a seeing person who was blinded I know what I am missing out on, and that is like digging in a hole. CodeProject has a great bunch of people and is a great place to work on things, only helped by the number of people willing to go completely out of their way to asist you. (yes I will reply to you btw, you know who you are). I know far too well that when you are really feeling the blunt end of low self-esteem the last person you want to be left along with is yourself. At the recomendation of a friend who suffers from chronic depression (oh the circles I choose to be in!) I have created a journal which I write in whenever I am feeling down. Having to organise your thoughts onto paper or screen helps you sort them out in nyour head as well. I've found it very effective recently to quickly deal with self esteem problems and general depression and get on with things; you may like to give it a try. If you have MSN Messenger, add me to your contacts (e-mail is the same as the one this message was sent from). I love to listen and having someone to bounce thoughts off of when you are low can really help. That is a two way contract though... :)
David Wulff
"It is a helpless feeling to be unable to make something so terribly wrong... right."
David Wulff wrote: What is bad for me is that I never had any of this six years ago so like a seeing person who was blinded I know what I am missing out on, and that is like digging in a hole. It just never dawned on me until I had my little, "goddam I've been an asshole to a lot of people" epiphany. I don't like to dwell on it, but there's still a fair amount of regret that I didn't realize how much I was hurting people earlier. David Wulff wrote: the last person you want to be left along with is yourself. Interesting. When I'm down, I really enjoy being by myself. That way, I can talk to myself and I don't get the weird looks from my family. :) :~ David Wulff wrote: I have created a journal which I write in whenever I am feeling down. Having to organise your thoughts onto paper or screen helps you sort them out in nyour head as well. I've found it very effective recently to quickly deal with self esteem problems and general depression and get on with things; you may like to give it a try. I have several of them. :) I found it really rewarding to know that I can express most of what I'm feeling, and I don't have to worry about getting the wording wrong when trying to explain it to someone else. Plus, it's a good place to keep track of how far I've progressed in my own little amateur psychoanalysis of myself. David Wulff wrote: If you have MSN Messenger, add me to your contacts (e-mail is the same as the one this message was sent from). I love to listen and having someone to bounce thoughts off of when you are low can really help. That is a two way contract though... I appreciate it David. Thanks. I've been IM clean-and-sober for 25 months now. :) That being said, I intend to formalize the progress I'm making in writing. Perhaps I'll fire it across the pond for a critical review? :) Thanks for the input. J
"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."
-
Jeremy Falcon wrote: Me, I used to fat, You fat??? Dang, from your bio pic, you look pretty studly to me. (And don't go getting any ideas about my preferences. I think a man can say that to another man without all sorts of idiotic ideas coming into one's head). Marc Help! I'm an AI running around in someone's f*cked up universe simulator.
Sensitivity and ethnic diversity means celebrating difference, not hiding from it. - Christian Graus
Every line of code is a liability - Taka Muraoka
Microsoft deliberately adds arbitrary layers of complexity to make it difficult to deliver Windows features on non-Windows platforms--Microsoft's "Halloween files"Marc Clifton wrote: You fat??? Dang, from your bio pic, you look pretty studly to me. Thanks! Well, I used to be an athlete, then I became stupid and let myself get fat. A few years - when I weighed 337 lbs. - I became unstupid and decided to lose the weight, and now I'm back into sports, etc. My bio pic was after I lost some weight and got back into bodybuilding. I've always had a body type that could get large - whether it be fat or muscle. I had some of my "muscle pics" online about a year ago showing my progress to CPians, but since I've collected a jealous girlfriend who doesn't enjoy me posting half-naked pics of myself on the Internet. :) Jeremy Falcon
-
Chris Losinger wrote: strong drinks Yah, and that's part of the problem I'm sure. I've just determined recently that alcohol is a trigger for some rather unpleasant reactions in my gut. I have a cellar full of wine, and a bar filled with a nice collection of single-malts. :mad: J
"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."
Jamie Hale wrote: I have a cellar full of wine, and a bar filled with a nice collection of single-malts. If you'd like I'll e-mail you my home address. You can ship me your wine and spirits and I'll "hold" them for you. ;)
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching. -
Putting what in perspective? The things I can and cannot change? J
"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."
The things you currently think are important enough to cause stress and self doubt. People often go tunnel vision on things that aren't right and forget they are totally outweighed by the good. cheers, Chris Maunder
-
Paul Lyons wrote: What a long, strange trip it's been. - Robert Hunter The Grateful Dead ("Truckin'") Chistopher Duncan Author - The Career Programmer: Guerilla Tactics for an Imperfect World (Apress)
Christopher Duncan wrote: The Grateful Dead ("Truckin'") Quite right! But who wrote the lyrics for almost all of the Dead's songs? That's right... Robert Hunter[^] ;P
Paul Lyons, CCPL
Certified Code Project Lurker
What a long, strange trip it's been - Robert Hunter
-
Christopher Duncan wrote: The Grateful Dead ("Truckin'") Quite right! But who wrote the lyrics for almost all of the Dead's songs? That's right... Robert Hunter[^] ;P
Paul Lyons, CCPL
Certified Code Project Lurker
What a long, strange trip it's been - Robert Hunter
Paul Lyons wrote: Quite right! But who wrote the lyrics for almost all of the Dead's songs? That's right... Robert Hunter[^] Doh! :-O Can't believe I missed that! My bad... Chistopher Duncan Author - The Career Programmer: Guerilla Tactics for an Imperfect World (Apress)
-
Jamie Hale wrote: However, I've been happily married for 5 years now, and have a beautiful daughter. Women aren't the problem. Or at least not the major problem. Sorry if I jumped in late I did not read the gazillion replies... Jamie Hale wrote: The issue is that I find myself thinking (almost knowing) that I'm better than everyone else. Mostly at my job, but at other things in life too. I don't like this feeling, and attribute it to a lack of self-confidence. :confused: I have the same feelings and I attribrute it to a lot of self-confidence. John
John M. Drescher wrote: Sorry if I jumped in late I did not read the gazillion replies... It didn't come out in the thread. :) John M. Drescher wrote: I have the same feelings and I attribrute it to a lot of self-confidence. Interesting. :) I've been working on a reply to this for the better part of the afternoon. I'm going to have to mail it home and think a bit more. :) J
"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."
-
Jamie, While I don't consider myself to be a religous person... I learned the serenity prayer attending Alateen[^] as a teenager. The key here is to continually remind yourself that there is only so much in life that you have direct control over. Anyway, the real reason for the reply is to ask if you've ever been screened for depression[^]? (I don't mean to imply anything. Just a thought.) I too had the same problem! Long story short, Major Depression can manifest itself in many ways... I am proof the there is better living through chemicals :laugh:. p.s. Alice's Resturant -> There's a blast from the past :-O Man, I'm getting old!
Paul Lyons, CCPL
Certified Code Project Lurker
What a long strange trip it's been - Robert Hunter
I've been thinking a bunch about the serenity prayer. I have more thinking to do, but that's probably how this whole thing will get resolved. As far as depression goes, I read some stuff on that site you posted. Plus, the last time this came around, I read a whole bunch more. If I'm not mistaken, I'm not depressed. It's only a short-term thing (a month at the most), and while I've experienced a few of the symptoms mentioned (guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest), they're never as bad as they describe. For instance, the loss of interest really only applies to certain aspects of my life - work mostly. My interests just shift to something else. Last time I read a lot about the influence of technology on society. This time, it seems to be the history of philosophy. When I'm clear of this, I'll probably be back to reading my usual collection of technology crap. :) The hopelessness is only for certain aspects of my life as well - last time I got to worrying about the environment and how it really doesn't matter whether or not I recycle my juice jugs when I work for a company that produces nuclear waste! :) Anyways, as I mentioned in another thread someplace, my wife's health insurance starts up again in the fall. I'll probably end up finding a local therapist and just run a few things by them. Just to satisfy myself that it's a personality problem and nothing more. Regarding Alice's Restaurant, I grew up on it. I think I still have my father's copy on vinyl. :) Words to live by. :) J
"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."
-
"...to bury the bodies of those who get in my way where they'll never be found..."
Shog9
drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds...
-
Chris Losinger wrote: strong drinks Yah, and that's part of the problem I'm sure. I've just determined recently that alcohol is a trigger for some rather unpleasant reactions in my gut. I have a cellar full of wine, and a bar filled with a nice collection of single-malts. :mad: J
"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."
Jamie Hale wrote: just determined recently that alcohol is a trigger for some rather unpleasant reactions in my gut me too. but, through the magic of medicine (Prevacid) i can eat nearly anything. -c To vote with no response is to follow the way of the coward.
-
Jamie Hale wrote: Are you suggesting that I shouldn't complain about it? Low-self esteem is too broad a brush. Try to look for the details. If you're sad that you're too short or too tall. Move on - it can't be changed so there is no point worrying about it. If you're sad that you're too fat or too thin than start doing something about it. It can be changed so make it better. If it's less physical and more "virtual" like: I don't like my housing situation, employment, social life, etc... than it's time to start taking some chances or big moves on the way to self improvement. If it's a general sense of "blah" without any specifics attached that's lasted for more than a few weeks, than I'd see a doctor about low level depression. A few months of Prozac or Paxil might just do the trick. Jamie Hale wrote: Just keep it all to myself? Nope - talking about problems and issues is almost always beneficial, just try not to stress or become depressed about things that cannot change. What's the point?
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.Do you have a book or website you can recommend that has some of this documented. I pretty much fine with everything, I know where my problems arer. It's with my wofe's inability to cope with anything at all. Drug, psychiatrists and talking to me do nothing. Everything is everyboby elses fault and I would like to read up on somne shit to see if I can help her turn it around. Cause if I don't we as a family won't be able too. Michael Martin Australia "I personally love it because I can get as down and dirty as I want on the backend, while also being able to dabble with fun scripting and presentation games on the front end." - Chris Maunder 15/07/2002
-
Anyone else here suffer from this? What do you do to cope? J
"You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."
As a teenager, I think I probably fall into one of the worst-affected age groups for low self-esteem... Two things I do, one short-term (but works really well), and one long-term (much harder than it sounds, but the ultimate solution). Short-term: Find some form of meditation that works for you, and do it. Mine is simple... I find some time, lie down on my bed, close my eyes, and try to just consciously experience all the sensations of the simple situation. The touch of the bed, any sounds, any air currents... There's so much to take in, that you can't take it all in and still think of anything. It really helps to blank your mind sometimes - think of it as a full reboot, or a warm reboot (if you only do it for about half a minute, but it doesn't work until you're more experienced with the technique). If it works, there will be some sort of tell-tale... for me, it's that everything looks sharper and clearer for a little while. After a session of this (whether a minute, 5 minutes, or half an hour), I find that it's much easier to evaluate yourself honestly outside of the normal self-criticizing negative light, and see the positive things about yourself for once. If this specific form of meditation doesn't work for you, see if you can find your own personal form that does work (I recommend the book "The Miracle of Mindfulness" as a source of ideas and possibly overall contentment). Long-term: Well, your long-term solution depends on the source of your lower self-esteem. If you can nail down a cause, then that's a good thing. You know the old joke - Patient: "Doctor, it hurts when I do this! *ouch*..." Doctor: "Don't do that." - Corny, to be sure, but honestly pretty accurate. If you find a clear cause, then you have two main options: learn to accept it and move on (probably one of the most deceptively simple things to do), or avoid it as much as you can. Now, if you can't nail down a chronic cause, truly chronic low self-esteem without any apparent cause is often the main symptom of depression, so in this situation it can never hurt to get yourself evaluated. I know far too many people who've come way too close to permanent damage to themselves (whether physical or emotional) through untreated depression, triggered by whatever cause. The short-term solution really helps, I've found... But all this is just me. Take this as just another set of ideas, and build off any, all, or none of the ideas that have been given to find what works for you. Eric
-
Do you have a book or website you can recommend that has some of this documented. I pretty much fine with everything, I know where my problems arer. It's with my wofe's inability to cope with anything at all. Drug, psychiatrists and talking to me do nothing. Everything is everyboby elses fault and I would like to read up on somne shit to see if I can help her turn it around. Cause if I don't we as a family won't be able too. Michael Martin Australia "I personally love it because I can get as down and dirty as I want on the backend, while also being able to dabble with fun scripting and presentation games on the front end." - Chris Maunder 15/07/2002
Michael Martin wrote: Do you have a book or website you can recommend that has some of this documented. Nope, sorry - I was just speaking from my own perspective. Michael Martin wrote: It's with my wife's inability to cope with anything at all. I've learned how to help my wife with some of the things I've outlined to Jamie. She used to be very closed about her feelings and problems, now I can't shut her up. Taking the time to really talk was the key for us. Michael Martin wrote: to see if I can help her turn it around. Cause if I don't we as a family won't be able too. Sorry to hear that.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching. -
Michael Martin wrote: Do you have a book or website you can recommend that has some of this documented. Nope, sorry - I was just speaking from my own perspective. Michael Martin wrote: It's with my wife's inability to cope with anything at all. I've learned how to help my wife with some of the things I've outlined to Jamie. She used to be very closed about her feelings and problems, now I can't shut her up. Taking the time to really talk was the key for us. Michael Martin wrote: to see if I can help her turn it around. Cause if I don't we as a family won't be able too. Sorry to hear that.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.Mike Mullikin wrote: Sorry to hear that. I don't mean that we will cease to be a family. Just that we won't be a fully functional family until we stop hemmoraging financially and get our own place again. I'm 34 had a house at 22, paid 10% of the debt in the first 12 months and since then have lost the house, have no assets and now take home less per fortnight than I did per week just a couple of years ago. Also have $10k in debt that is unsecured. I'm not the same person I was due to the situation and my wife just can't see that her constant spending of our money is a problem. I just need to get a real job again. But when I was on the big money and living with the in-laws the big money we were saving wasn't used to pay off debt. It was fed into pokies. She has a problem with stress and gambling but won't admit it. I'm trying to help her through this. Michael Martin Australia "I personally love it because I can get as down and dirty as I want on the backend, while also being able to dabble with fun scripting and presentation games on the front end." - Chris Maunder 15/07/2002