Looks like you started carefully then got a bit.. lazy? (Not the writing, the proof-reading): Para4: predictable; disciplined; Capitol (unless you mean capital city, when it - uhm - doesn't have a capital letter). Para 5: I this came in(??); handled. Style-wise, "partly cloudy" sounds like a weather forecast, and doesn't really fit in with the sun dancing on the water. How do we see the water, anyway, when we're standing in a tree-lined avenue? "The old man...", "any other well-off old man", "winter-white hair" ... all give the impression of a rather elderly gent. It was jarring then to read "going off to the office". Men of the age you imply don't go off to the office. Just threw me as the mental picture you'd painted in my head was suddenly ripped up. Either leave the impression of age, and say something like "any other elderly gentleman surveying the spring morning", or don't make him out to be old and doddery. Overall it feels a little bit clichéd, maybe rather flowery. Depends on your target market really and what the book is. Fine if this is a romance or a character portrait; probably not so great if it's an all-action thriller. Finally, speaking as an Englishman, it comes as a surprise to learn the Speaker has a car with a heavily armoured door, a driver, an assistant, and three agents (where are they going to ride??), especially if he's just going off for a light breakfast and golf?? Our house Speaker is an MP and like other MPs might have a driver for official engagements, but otherwise drives his own car... Going forward, not sure CodeProject's lounge is the best place to ask for advice. We have 14 million members and I guess a good few hundred are thinking about writing a novel. Join a writers' group where you'll get a more informed response and won't risk winding people up. Best of luck with it!
Telegraph marker posts ... nothing to do with IT Phasmid email discussion group ... also nothing to do with IT Beekeeping and honey site ... still nothing to do with IT
