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Homework help of a different variety

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  • C Christian Graus

    Just get a room, the pair of you.

    Christian Graus No longer a Microsoft MVP, but still happy to answer your questions.

    S Offline
    S Offline
    soap brain
    wrote on last edited by
    #23

    That's what I've been trying to do! He's not quite so corruptible, though. ;)

    L F 2 Replies Last reply
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    • S soap brain

      For English. Basically we had to draw a basic plot out of a hat and write a short story based off it. I drew 'running away from home', and I've written some, but I have no idea where I'm going with it. I need some ideas for an ending, and of course the other bits I've left out. General criticism is certainly welcome too, as long as it's critical praise! :-D Anyway, here it is: **** I felt like I’d made the right choice, even though there was no choice. Not really. All I’d done was all I could do. I’d put some warm clothes on, stuffed my black backpack that was only three weeks old. And that was it. I was gone. Slinking through the darkness, caressed by the breath that crystallised in front of me. Only able to see a distance of mere inches, the air was so bad. I was lost, it seemed. Despite the purpose in my walk, despite the assuredness in my face. I was as transparent as glass, a little kid lost and scared. Maybe my eyes gave it away, the way I always looked away. My lips in a silent prayer to whoever would listen. I told them that I didn’t want to die here tonight. And I kept on telling them. I was on my way to see my friend. He was the loneliest kid I had ever seen, save for me. Lonelier, even, because he was strong and I was weak. I needed him, but he didn’t need me. Still, he agreed to come with me tonight. He knew he had to, too. He was going to our secret place, like I was. And after that, we’d get away. Just like we’d always dreamed. I found him, as I knew I would. Waiting for me. And I felt a tremendous rush of gratitude towards him, for being here. Reminding me that I am not alone. I wanted him to see how happy I was to see him, but his eyes were downcast. Like he didn’t even see me. Like he was vaguely someone else. And he muttered, more to himself than anything, that we should get going right away. And we did. We were quiet, because we had to be, at least at the moment. But, the quietude dripped from him, from those sad, dark eyes. I wished he would look at me, let me know that we were in it together. Instead, he breathed deeply and silently, and focused inwardly. Shutting out the world. Telling IT to keep away, rather than the other way around. We had to be careful that we weren’t seen. Because that would be it. And it couldn’t be it, not yet. Because we weren’t ready for it to be. I could feel the danger hanging off my nerve-endings, threatening to snap them. And our footsteps seemed inordinately loud. And I couldn’t stop my stupid body from trembling. But we weren’t going t

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      F Offline
      ftw melvin
      wrote on last edited by
      #24

      The structure isn't quite right; you need to have some kind of conflict in the middle - perhaps an argument that causes the two of you to assess what you are doing: eg 1. Argument causes boy to leave you to return home (he can come back if it helps) 2. You come across other runaways whose life style forces you to consider where this will lead eg prostitution 3. You are forcibly parted 4. You reveal a revelation eg pregnancy that turns the story into something different 5. The boy turns into a flesh eating zombie, from Mars Overcoming the conflict will give some purpose to the end of the story. Texts to consider: Waiting for Godot (possibly a bit wordy) Of Mice and Men Watership Down Zombie Flesh Eaters from Mars

      "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

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      • D Dalek Dave

        Don't end sentences with Adverbs either! :)

        ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

        F Offline
        F Offline
        ftw melvin
        wrote on last edited by
        #25

        Did everyone read these brilliant emails from Giles Coren, including where he raged against an unstressed syllable at the end of a paragraph? http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/jul/25/pressandpublishing.thetimes[^]

        "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

        1 Reply Last reply
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        • L Lost User

          wrong place to post:omg: :wtf: :omg: :wtf: :omg: :wtf: :omg: :wtf: :sigh: :omg: :wtf: :sigh: :omg: :wtf: :sigh: :omg: :wtf: :doh: :sigh: :omg: :wtf: :sigh: :omg: :wtf: :omg: :wtf: :omg: :wtf: :omg: :wtf: :omg: :sigh:

          The Developer - CEH

          F Offline
          F Offline
          ftw melvin
          wrote on last edited by
          #26

          Why?

          "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

          1 Reply Last reply
          0
          • D Dalek Dave

            Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

            That wasn't the plan, but it doesn't matter overly.

            ? Never end a Sentence with a preposition! Up with this I will not put.

            ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

            D Offline
            D Offline
            Dirk Higbee
            wrote on last edited by
            #27

            Dalek Dave wrote:

            Up with this I will not put

            [low throaty noise] strong with this one the Force is :-D

            Beauty is only a light switch away.

            1 Reply Last reply
            0
            • F ftw melvin

              The structure isn't quite right; you need to have some kind of conflict in the middle - perhaps an argument that causes the two of you to assess what you are doing: eg 1. Argument causes boy to leave you to return home (he can come back if it helps) 2. You come across other runaways whose life style forces you to consider where this will lead eg prostitution 3. You are forcibly parted 4. You reveal a revelation eg pregnancy that turns the story into something different 5. The boy turns into a flesh eating zombie, from Mars Overcoming the conflict will give some purpose to the end of the story. Texts to consider: Waiting for Godot (possibly a bit wordy) Of Mice and Men Watership Down Zombie Flesh Eaters from Mars

              "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

              T Offline
              T Offline
              tufkap
              wrote on last edited by
              #28

              I am all for the flesh-eating zombie martians (or is it martian zombies?). ;)

              F 1 Reply Last reply
              0
              • S soap brain

                That's what I've been trying to do! He's not quite so corruptible, though. ;)

                L Offline
                L Offline
                Lost User
                wrote on last edited by
                #29

                you don't know me then. i'm the reason why leckey stoped posting

                The Developer - CEH

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                • S soap brain

                  That's what I've been trying to do! He's not quite so corruptible, though. ;)

                  F Offline
                  F Offline
                  ftw melvin
                  wrote on last edited by
                  #30

                  It does feel like we've wandered into a 'domestic' *slowly backs away*

                  "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

                  1 Reply Last reply
                  0
                  • L Lost User

                    you don't know me then. i'm the reason why leckey stoped posting

                    The Developer - CEH

                    T Offline
                    T Offline
                    toxcct
                    wrote on last edited by
                    #31

                    that explains a lot about you already. now please shut up and go play in the sand box...

                    [VisualCalc][Binary Guide][CommDialogs] | [Forums Guidelines]

                    1 Reply Last reply
                    0
                    • T tufkap

                      I am all for the flesh-eating zombie martians (or is it martian zombies?). ;)

                      F Offline
                      F Offline
                      ftw melvin
                      wrote on last edited by
                      #32

                      Damn that's another Hollywood blockbuster I've let slip.

                      "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

                      1 Reply Last reply
                      0
                      • L Lost User

                        you don't know me then. i'm the reason why leckey stoped posting

                        The Developer - CEH

                        S Offline
                        S Offline
                        soap brain
                        wrote on last edited by
                        #33

                        I know you well enough to fall in love with you.

                        1 Reply Last reply
                        0
                        • S soap brain

                          For English. Basically we had to draw a basic plot out of a hat and write a short story based off it. I drew 'running away from home', and I've written some, but I have no idea where I'm going with it. I need some ideas for an ending, and of course the other bits I've left out. General criticism is certainly welcome too, as long as it's critical praise! :-D Anyway, here it is: **** I felt like I’d made the right choice, even though there was no choice. Not really. All I’d done was all I could do. I’d put some warm clothes on, stuffed my black backpack that was only three weeks old. And that was it. I was gone. Slinking through the darkness, caressed by the breath that crystallised in front of me. Only able to see a distance of mere inches, the air was so bad. I was lost, it seemed. Despite the purpose in my walk, despite the assuredness in my face. I was as transparent as glass, a little kid lost and scared. Maybe my eyes gave it away, the way I always looked away. My lips in a silent prayer to whoever would listen. I told them that I didn’t want to die here tonight. And I kept on telling them. I was on my way to see my friend. He was the loneliest kid I had ever seen, save for me. Lonelier, even, because he was strong and I was weak. I needed him, but he didn’t need me. Still, he agreed to come with me tonight. He knew he had to, too. He was going to our secret place, like I was. And after that, we’d get away. Just like we’d always dreamed. I found him, as I knew I would. Waiting for me. And I felt a tremendous rush of gratitude towards him, for being here. Reminding me that I am not alone. I wanted him to see how happy I was to see him, but his eyes were downcast. Like he didn’t even see me. Like he was vaguely someone else. And he muttered, more to himself than anything, that we should get going right away. And we did. We were quiet, because we had to be, at least at the moment. But, the quietude dripped from him, from those sad, dark eyes. I wished he would look at me, let me know that we were in it together. Instead, he breathed deeply and silently, and focused inwardly. Shutting out the world. Telling IT to keep away, rather than the other way around. We had to be careful that we weren’t seen. Because that would be it. And it couldn’t be it, not yet. Because we weren’t ready for it to be. I could feel the danger hanging off my nerve-endings, threatening to snap them. And our footsteps seemed inordinately loud. And I couldn’t stop my stupid body from trembling. But we weren’t going t

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                          El Corazon
                          wrote on last edited by
                          #34

                          Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                          Because cold iron is strong. It survives.

                          I have the most problem with this. Cold iron does not react to its environment, the analogy is already "off" because the people are reacting. Perhaps like the bonsai, twisted by the events of life, yet still surviving, still reaching for the sun's warm (still reaching for the same goal of light). I am trying hard not to "fix" it, as I have often written creative writing assignments, mine are perhaps different in story and much worse english. My english assignments were often entertaining to read if you could get past the english mistakes. I knew I did my job good enough when I could distract the teacher from the errors using the story. :)

                          _________________________ Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau. Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice in the ceiling laugh. (Japanese Proverb) John Andrew Holmes "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."

                          S 1 Reply Last reply
                          0
                          • S soap brain

                            The Developer wrote:

                            I didn't read what to post yet

                            What's your native language? :confused:

                            H Offline
                            H Offline
                            Harvey Saayman
                            wrote on last edited by
                            #35

                            Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                            What's your native language?

                            i vote IDIOT :laugh:

                            Harvey Saayman - South Africa Junior Developer .Net, C#, SQL

                            you.suck = (you.passion != Programming)

                            1 Reply Last reply
                            0
                            • S soap brain

                              For English. Basically we had to draw a basic plot out of a hat and write a short story based off it. I drew 'running away from home', and I've written some, but I have no idea where I'm going with it. I need some ideas for an ending, and of course the other bits I've left out. General criticism is certainly welcome too, as long as it's critical praise! :-D Anyway, here it is: **** I felt like I’d made the right choice, even though there was no choice. Not really. All I’d done was all I could do. I’d put some warm clothes on, stuffed my black backpack that was only three weeks old. And that was it. I was gone. Slinking through the darkness, caressed by the breath that crystallised in front of me. Only able to see a distance of mere inches, the air was so bad. I was lost, it seemed. Despite the purpose in my walk, despite the assuredness in my face. I was as transparent as glass, a little kid lost and scared. Maybe my eyes gave it away, the way I always looked away. My lips in a silent prayer to whoever would listen. I told them that I didn’t want to die here tonight. And I kept on telling them. I was on my way to see my friend. He was the loneliest kid I had ever seen, save for me. Lonelier, even, because he was strong and I was weak. I needed him, but he didn’t need me. Still, he agreed to come with me tonight. He knew he had to, too. He was going to our secret place, like I was. And after that, we’d get away. Just like we’d always dreamed. I found him, as I knew I would. Waiting for me. And I felt a tremendous rush of gratitude towards him, for being here. Reminding me that I am not alone. I wanted him to see how happy I was to see him, but his eyes were downcast. Like he didn’t even see me. Like he was vaguely someone else. And he muttered, more to himself than anything, that we should get going right away. And we did. We were quiet, because we had to be, at least at the moment. But, the quietude dripped from him, from those sad, dark eyes. I wished he would look at me, let me know that we were in it together. Instead, he breathed deeply and silently, and focused inwardly. Shutting out the world. Telling IT to keep away, rather than the other way around. We had to be careful that we weren’t seen. Because that would be it. And it couldn’t be it, not yet. Because we weren’t ready for it to be. I could feel the danger hanging off my nerve-endings, threatening to snap them. And our footsteps seemed inordinately loud. And I couldn’t stop my stupid body from trembling. But we weren’t going t

                              G Offline
                              G Offline
                              GuyThiebaut
                              wrote on last edited by
                              #36

                              A couple of suggestions: Get a copy of "Eat shoots and leaves" - as your use of punctuation gives a very staccato like feel to the writing; the words are good, there could just be more of a flowing feeling to the sentence structure. Also starting a sentence with "And" is generally to be avoided; this is because a full stop denotes the end of a sentence, whereas "and" is used for continuation(just like programming). Having said all of this I like what I see and like the use of similes. Good luck. ;)

                              Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.(Winston Churchill)
                              S 1 Reply Last reply
                              0
                              • L Lost User

                                you don't know me then. i'm the reason why leckey stoped posting

                                The Developer - CEH

                                L Offline
                                L Offline
                                leckey 0
                                wrote on last edited by
                                #37

                                WTF? I am still posting. You still can't grasp English and you are still the biggest Idiot of all time. And yes, I know it's time for the "I know you are but what am I" routine.

                                Blog. http://craptasticnation.blogspot.com/[^]

                                1 Reply Last reply
                                0
                                • E El Corazon

                                  Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                                  Because cold iron is strong. It survives.

                                  I have the most problem with this. Cold iron does not react to its environment, the analogy is already "off" because the people are reacting. Perhaps like the bonsai, twisted by the events of life, yet still surviving, still reaching for the sun's warm (still reaching for the same goal of light). I am trying hard not to "fix" it, as I have often written creative writing assignments, mine are perhaps different in story and much worse english. My english assignments were often entertaining to read if you could get past the english mistakes. I knew I did my job good enough when I could distract the teacher from the errors using the story. :)

                                  _________________________ Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau. Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice in the ceiling laugh. (Japanese Proverb) John Andrew Holmes "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."

                                  S Offline
                                  S Offline
                                  soap brain
                                  wrote on last edited by
                                  #38

                                  El Corazon wrote:

                                  I have the most problem with this. Cold iron does not react to its environment, the analogy is already "off" because the people are reacting. Perhaps like the bonsai, twisted by the events of life, yet still surviving, still reaching for the sun's warm (still reaching for the same goal of light).

                                  I was thinking that they were trying to 'harden' themselves, even though I know that pure iron is probably quite soft!

                                  E 1 Reply Last reply
                                  0
                                  • S soap brain

                                    I beg to differ - as Henry Fowler[^] once said: That different can only be followed by 'from' and not by 'to' is a superstition. So there. ;P ;)

                                    D Offline
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                                    Dalek Dave
                                    wrote on last edited by
                                    #39

                                    It works for me! :-D

                                    ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

                                    1 Reply Last reply
                                    0
                                    • S soap brain

                                      For English. Basically we had to draw a basic plot out of a hat and write a short story based off it. I drew 'running away from home', and I've written some, but I have no idea where I'm going with it. I need some ideas for an ending, and of course the other bits I've left out. General criticism is certainly welcome too, as long as it's critical praise! :-D Anyway, here it is: **** I felt like I’d made the right choice, even though there was no choice. Not really. All I’d done was all I could do. I’d put some warm clothes on, stuffed my black backpack that was only three weeks old. And that was it. I was gone. Slinking through the darkness, caressed by the breath that crystallised in front of me. Only able to see a distance of mere inches, the air was so bad. I was lost, it seemed. Despite the purpose in my walk, despite the assuredness in my face. I was as transparent as glass, a little kid lost and scared. Maybe my eyes gave it away, the way I always looked away. My lips in a silent prayer to whoever would listen. I told them that I didn’t want to die here tonight. And I kept on telling them. I was on my way to see my friend. He was the loneliest kid I had ever seen, save for me. Lonelier, even, because he was strong and I was weak. I needed him, but he didn’t need me. Still, he agreed to come with me tonight. He knew he had to, too. He was going to our secret place, like I was. And after that, we’d get away. Just like we’d always dreamed. I found him, as I knew I would. Waiting for me. And I felt a tremendous rush of gratitude towards him, for being here. Reminding me that I am not alone. I wanted him to see how happy I was to see him, but his eyes were downcast. Like he didn’t even see me. Like he was vaguely someone else. And he muttered, more to himself than anything, that we should get going right away. And we did. We were quiet, because we had to be, at least at the moment. But, the quietude dripped from him, from those sad, dark eyes. I wished he would look at me, let me know that we were in it together. Instead, he breathed deeply and silently, and focused inwardly. Shutting out the world. Telling IT to keep away, rather than the other way around. We had to be careful that we weren’t seen. Because that would be it. And it couldn’t be it, not yet. Because we weren’t ready for it to be. I could feel the danger hanging off my nerve-endings, threatening to snap them. And our footsteps seemed inordinately loud. And I couldn’t stop my stupid body from trembling. But we weren’t going t

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                                      D Offline
                                      Dalek Dave
                                      wrote on last edited by
                                      #40

                                      Needs more Dinosaurs. Perhaps an Alien Invasion. Shorter. Snappier. More Humour. Written in Gothic Script and in Virgin's Blood. Other than that ok

                                      S 1 Reply Last reply
                                      0
                                      • S soap brain

                                        For English. Basically we had to draw a basic plot out of a hat and write a short story based off it. I drew 'running away from home', and I've written some, but I have no idea where I'm going with it. I need some ideas for an ending, and of course the other bits I've left out. General criticism is certainly welcome too, as long as it's critical praise! :-D Anyway, here it is: **** I felt like I’d made the right choice, even though there was no choice. Not really. All I’d done was all I could do. I’d put some warm clothes on, stuffed my black backpack that was only three weeks old. And that was it. I was gone. Slinking through the darkness, caressed by the breath that crystallised in front of me. Only able to see a distance of mere inches, the air was so bad. I was lost, it seemed. Despite the purpose in my walk, despite the assuredness in my face. I was as transparent as glass, a little kid lost and scared. Maybe my eyes gave it away, the way I always looked away. My lips in a silent prayer to whoever would listen. I told them that I didn’t want to die here tonight. And I kept on telling them. I was on my way to see my friend. He was the loneliest kid I had ever seen, save for me. Lonelier, even, because he was strong and I was weak. I needed him, but he didn’t need me. Still, he agreed to come with me tonight. He knew he had to, too. He was going to our secret place, like I was. And after that, we’d get away. Just like we’d always dreamed. I found him, as I knew I would. Waiting for me. And I felt a tremendous rush of gratitude towards him, for being here. Reminding me that I am not alone. I wanted him to see how happy I was to see him, but his eyes were downcast. Like he didn’t even see me. Like he was vaguely someone else. And he muttered, more to himself than anything, that we should get going right away. And we did. We were quiet, because we had to be, at least at the moment. But, the quietude dripped from him, from those sad, dark eyes. I wished he would look at me, let me know that we were in it together. Instead, he breathed deeply and silently, and focused inwardly. Shutting out the world. Telling IT to keep away, rather than the other way around. We had to be careful that we weren’t seen. Because that would be it. And it couldn’t be it, not yet. Because we weren’t ready for it to be. I could feel the danger hanging off my nerve-endings, threatening to snap them. And our footsteps seemed inordinately loud. And I couldn’t stop my stupid body from trembling. But we weren’t going t

                                        C Offline
                                        C Offline
                                        Corinna John
                                        wrote on last edited by
                                        #41

                                        Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                                        [insert ending here]

                                        You very are good at describing feelings! But I cannot see any story, yet. Well, let's try something...

                                        Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                                        [insert story here]

                                        The first placeholder should be filled with some action, but not a catastrophe - we'll save the latter for later. I suppose it starts to rain and they hide in an abandoned building. Suddenly they hear steps and voices. From their hiding place, they observe a group of criminals making some deals. They are terribly afraid of being seen, but cannot leave without leaving the only dark corner of the building. But nobody takes any notice of them and finally they get out again. That's why they start feeling "invisible". You wonderfully described the resulting feelings...

                                        Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                                        [insert story here]

                                        They silently wait for the train/bus/whatever and suddenly her friend tells her to go home. He say the trip is too dangerous for her, but she knows that he only wants to be alone. Now it is time to reveal the persons' backgrounds. Why are they running away, what has happened before? Insert an explaining memory flashback here.

                                        Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                                        [insert ending here]

                                        The police is after them. She manages to run away, but her friend gets caught. Now she really is alone. Insert a monologue about all the terrible things that would happen if she gave up and went home. Then you can write an open ending: She spends her last cents on a ticket to a village where nobody knows her, finds work on a farm ... no, that's too cute. Maybe a drug dealer picks her up, she works for him for a while and then reports shim to the police ... no, that's boring. I like aliens, a spaceship could pick her up ... is that allowed in your story? If it is, she should find out that she's an alien herself and then fly home to her planet.

                                        This statement is false.

                                        S 1 Reply Last reply
                                        0
                                        • C Corinna John

                                          Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                                          [insert ending here]

                                          You very are good at describing feelings! But I cannot see any story, yet. Well, let's try something...

                                          Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                                          [insert story here]

                                          The first placeholder should be filled with some action, but not a catastrophe - we'll save the latter for later. I suppose it starts to rain and they hide in an abandoned building. Suddenly they hear steps and voices. From their hiding place, they observe a group of criminals making some deals. They are terribly afraid of being seen, but cannot leave without leaving the only dark corner of the building. But nobody takes any notice of them and finally they get out again. That's why they start feeling "invisible". You wonderfully described the resulting feelings...

                                          Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                                          [insert story here]

                                          They silently wait for the train/bus/whatever and suddenly her friend tells her to go home. He say the trip is too dangerous for her, but she knows that he only wants to be alone. Now it is time to reveal the persons' backgrounds. Why are they running away, what has happened before? Insert an explaining memory flashback here.

                                          Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                                          [insert ending here]

                                          The police is after them. She manages to run away, but her friend gets caught. Now she really is alone. Insert a monologue about all the terrible things that would happen if she gave up and went home. Then you can write an open ending: She spends her last cents on a ticket to a village where nobody knows her, finds work on a farm ... no, that's too cute. Maybe a drug dealer picks her up, she works for him for a while and then reports shim to the police ... no, that's boring. I like aliens, a spaceship could pick her up ... is that allowed in your story? If it is, she should find out that she's an alien herself and then fly home to her planet.

                                          This statement is false.

                                          S Offline
                                          S Offline
                                          soap brain
                                          wrote on last edited by
                                          #42

                                          Corinna John wrote:

                                          But I cannot see any story, yet.

                                          Yeah, that was the problem. I thought that maybe if I kept writing the ideas would come...but no, they didn't. [The rest] Thank you for that! I'll save it somewhere and see what I can do with it. And definitely aliens are allowed. Definitely. :cool:

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