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Homework help of a different variety

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adobehelploungelearning
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  • S soap brain

    For English. Basically we had to draw a basic plot out of a hat and write a short story based off it. I drew 'running away from home', and I've written some, but I have no idea where I'm going with it. I need some ideas for an ending, and of course the other bits I've left out. General criticism is certainly welcome too, as long as it's critical praise! :-D Anyway, here it is: **** I felt like I’d made the right choice, even though there was no choice. Not really. All I’d done was all I could do. I’d put some warm clothes on, stuffed my black backpack that was only three weeks old. And that was it. I was gone. Slinking through the darkness, caressed by the breath that crystallised in front of me. Only able to see a distance of mere inches, the air was so bad. I was lost, it seemed. Despite the purpose in my walk, despite the assuredness in my face. I was as transparent as glass, a little kid lost and scared. Maybe my eyes gave it away, the way I always looked away. My lips in a silent prayer to whoever would listen. I told them that I didn’t want to die here tonight. And I kept on telling them. I was on my way to see my friend. He was the loneliest kid I had ever seen, save for me. Lonelier, even, because he was strong and I was weak. I needed him, but he didn’t need me. Still, he agreed to come with me tonight. He knew he had to, too. He was going to our secret place, like I was. And after that, we’d get away. Just like we’d always dreamed. I found him, as I knew I would. Waiting for me. And I felt a tremendous rush of gratitude towards him, for being here. Reminding me that I am not alone. I wanted him to see how happy I was to see him, but his eyes were downcast. Like he didn’t even see me. Like he was vaguely someone else. And he muttered, more to himself than anything, that we should get going right away. And we did. We were quiet, because we had to be, at least at the moment. But, the quietude dripped from him, from those sad, dark eyes. I wished he would look at me, let me know that we were in it together. Instead, he breathed deeply and silently, and focused inwardly. Shutting out the world. Telling IT to keep away, rather than the other way around. We had to be careful that we weren’t seen. Because that would be it. And it couldn’t be it, not yet. Because we weren’t ready for it to be. I could feel the danger hanging off my nerve-endings, threatening to snap them. And our footsteps seemed inordinately loud. And I couldn’t stop my stupid body from trembling. But we weren’t going t

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    S Offline
    SimulationofSai
    wrote on last edited by
    #13

    Too many short sentences. It feels like driving through a road full of speed bumps. Most of your paragraphs are like that. Make em a little longer.

    S 1 Reply Last reply
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    • S SimulationofSai

      Too many short sentences. It feels like driving through a road full of speed bumps. Most of your paragraphs are like that. Make em a little longer.

      S Offline
      S Offline
      soap brain
      wrote on last edited by
      #14

      SimulationofSai wrote:

      Too many short sentences.

      I was trying for a different style to my usual one. Normally I'm rather verbose. :laugh:

      SimulationofSai wrote:

      Most of your paragraphs are like that. Make em a little longer.

      If I'm honest, they look longer on Word. :)

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      • S soap brain

        'Overly' is an adverb. ;P

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        Dalek Dave
        wrote on last edited by
        #15

        Don't end sentences with Adverbs either! :)

        ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

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        • S soap brain

          SimulationofSai wrote:

          Too many short sentences.

          I was trying for a different style to my usual one. Normally I'm rather verbose. :laugh:

          SimulationofSai wrote:

          Most of your paragraphs are like that. Make em a little longer.

          If I'm honest, they look longer on Word. :)

          D Offline
          D Offline
          Dalek Dave
          wrote on last edited by
          #16

          Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

          I was trying for a different style to my usual one. Normally I'm rather verbose.

          Different FROM! Similar TO! Good Grammar helps when reading, B+

          ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

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          • S soap brain

            Does anyone like you?

            L Offline
            L Offline
            Lost User
            wrote on last edited by
            #17

            I think the question should be do they like you

            The Developer - CEH

            S 1 Reply Last reply
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            • S soap brain

              For English. Basically we had to draw a basic plot out of a hat and write a short story based off it. I drew 'running away from home', and I've written some, but I have no idea where I'm going with it. I need some ideas for an ending, and of course the other bits I've left out. General criticism is certainly welcome too, as long as it's critical praise! :-D Anyway, here it is: **** I felt like I’d made the right choice, even though there was no choice. Not really. All I’d done was all I could do. I’d put some warm clothes on, stuffed my black backpack that was only three weeks old. And that was it. I was gone. Slinking through the darkness, caressed by the breath that crystallised in front of me. Only able to see a distance of mere inches, the air was so bad. I was lost, it seemed. Despite the purpose in my walk, despite the assuredness in my face. I was as transparent as glass, a little kid lost and scared. Maybe my eyes gave it away, the way I always looked away. My lips in a silent prayer to whoever would listen. I told them that I didn’t want to die here tonight. And I kept on telling them. I was on my way to see my friend. He was the loneliest kid I had ever seen, save for me. Lonelier, even, because he was strong and I was weak. I needed him, but he didn’t need me. Still, he agreed to come with me tonight. He knew he had to, too. He was going to our secret place, like I was. And after that, we’d get away. Just like we’d always dreamed. I found him, as I knew I would. Waiting for me. And I felt a tremendous rush of gratitude towards him, for being here. Reminding me that I am not alone. I wanted him to see how happy I was to see him, but his eyes were downcast. Like he didn’t even see me. Like he was vaguely someone else. And he muttered, more to himself than anything, that we should get going right away. And we did. We were quiet, because we had to be, at least at the moment. But, the quietude dripped from him, from those sad, dark eyes. I wished he would look at me, let me know that we were in it together. Instead, he breathed deeply and silently, and focused inwardly. Shutting out the world. Telling IT to keep away, rather than the other way around. We had to be careful that we weren’t seen. Because that would be it. And it couldn’t be it, not yet. Because we weren’t ready for it to be. I could feel the danger hanging off my nerve-endings, threatening to snap them. And our footsteps seemed inordinately loud. And I couldn’t stop my stupid body from trembling. But we weren’t going t

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              B Offline
              blackjack2150
              wrote on last edited by
              #18

              The style reminds me of Sin City (the movie). You need Bruce Willis to read it for you. :)

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              • D Dalek Dave

                Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                I was trying for a different style to my usual one. Normally I'm rather verbose.

                Different FROM! Similar TO! Good Grammar helps when reading, B+

                ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

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                S Offline
                soap brain
                wrote on last edited by
                #19

                I beg to differ - as Henry Fowler[^] once said: That different can only be followed by 'from' and not by 'to' is a superstition. So there. ;P ;)

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                • L Lost User

                  I think the question should be do they like you

                  The Developer - CEH

                  S Offline
                  S Offline
                  soap brain
                  wrote on last edited by
                  #20

                  Just answer the damn question.

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                  • S soap brain

                    Just answer the damn question.

                    C Offline
                    C Offline
                    Christian Graus
                    wrote on last edited by
                    #21

                    Just get a room, the pair of you.

                    Christian Graus No longer a Microsoft MVP, but still happy to answer your questions.

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                    • D Dalek Dave

                      Don't end sentences with Adverbs either! :)

                      ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

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                      ftw melvin
                      wrote on last edited by
                      #22

                      LOL (good recovery DD, I don't think anyone noticed).

                      "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

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                      • C Christian Graus

                        Just get a room, the pair of you.

                        Christian Graus No longer a Microsoft MVP, but still happy to answer your questions.

                        S Offline
                        S Offline
                        soap brain
                        wrote on last edited by
                        #23

                        That's what I've been trying to do! He's not quite so corruptible, though. ;)

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                        • S soap brain

                          For English. Basically we had to draw a basic plot out of a hat and write a short story based off it. I drew 'running away from home', and I've written some, but I have no idea where I'm going with it. I need some ideas for an ending, and of course the other bits I've left out. General criticism is certainly welcome too, as long as it's critical praise! :-D Anyway, here it is: **** I felt like I’d made the right choice, even though there was no choice. Not really. All I’d done was all I could do. I’d put some warm clothes on, stuffed my black backpack that was only three weeks old. And that was it. I was gone. Slinking through the darkness, caressed by the breath that crystallised in front of me. Only able to see a distance of mere inches, the air was so bad. I was lost, it seemed. Despite the purpose in my walk, despite the assuredness in my face. I was as transparent as glass, a little kid lost and scared. Maybe my eyes gave it away, the way I always looked away. My lips in a silent prayer to whoever would listen. I told them that I didn’t want to die here tonight. And I kept on telling them. I was on my way to see my friend. He was the loneliest kid I had ever seen, save for me. Lonelier, even, because he was strong and I was weak. I needed him, but he didn’t need me. Still, he agreed to come with me tonight. He knew he had to, too. He was going to our secret place, like I was. And after that, we’d get away. Just like we’d always dreamed. I found him, as I knew I would. Waiting for me. And I felt a tremendous rush of gratitude towards him, for being here. Reminding me that I am not alone. I wanted him to see how happy I was to see him, but his eyes were downcast. Like he didn’t even see me. Like he was vaguely someone else. And he muttered, more to himself than anything, that we should get going right away. And we did. We were quiet, because we had to be, at least at the moment. But, the quietude dripped from him, from those sad, dark eyes. I wished he would look at me, let me know that we were in it together. Instead, he breathed deeply and silently, and focused inwardly. Shutting out the world. Telling IT to keep away, rather than the other way around. We had to be careful that we weren’t seen. Because that would be it. And it couldn’t be it, not yet. Because we weren’t ready for it to be. I could feel the danger hanging off my nerve-endings, threatening to snap them. And our footsteps seemed inordinately loud. And I couldn’t stop my stupid body from trembling. But we weren’t going t

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                          F Offline
                          ftw melvin
                          wrote on last edited by
                          #24

                          The structure isn't quite right; you need to have some kind of conflict in the middle - perhaps an argument that causes the two of you to assess what you are doing: eg 1. Argument causes boy to leave you to return home (he can come back if it helps) 2. You come across other runaways whose life style forces you to consider where this will lead eg prostitution 3. You are forcibly parted 4. You reveal a revelation eg pregnancy that turns the story into something different 5. The boy turns into a flesh eating zombie, from Mars Overcoming the conflict will give some purpose to the end of the story. Texts to consider: Waiting for Godot (possibly a bit wordy) Of Mice and Men Watership Down Zombie Flesh Eaters from Mars

                          "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

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                          • D Dalek Dave

                            Don't end sentences with Adverbs either! :)

                            ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

                            F Offline
                            F Offline
                            ftw melvin
                            wrote on last edited by
                            #25

                            Did everyone read these brilliant emails from Giles Coren, including where he raged against an unstressed syllable at the end of a paragraph? http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/jul/25/pressandpublishing.thetimes[^]

                            "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

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                            • L Lost User

                              wrong place to post:omg: :wtf: :omg: :wtf: :omg: :wtf: :omg: :wtf: :sigh: :omg: :wtf: :sigh: :omg: :wtf: :sigh: :omg: :wtf: :doh: :sigh: :omg: :wtf: :sigh: :omg: :wtf: :omg: :wtf: :omg: :wtf: :omg: :wtf: :omg: :sigh:

                              The Developer - CEH

                              F Offline
                              F Offline
                              ftw melvin
                              wrote on last edited by
                              #26

                              Why?

                              "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

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                              • D Dalek Dave

                                Ravel H. Joyce wrote:

                                That wasn't the plan, but it doesn't matter overly.

                                ? Never end a Sentence with a preposition! Up with this I will not put.

                                ------------------------------------ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" - Bob Monkhouse

                                D Offline
                                D Offline
                                Dirk Higbee
                                wrote on last edited by
                                #27

                                Dalek Dave wrote:

                                Up with this I will not put

                                [low throaty noise] strong with this one the Force is :-D

                                Beauty is only a light switch away.

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                                • F ftw melvin

                                  The structure isn't quite right; you need to have some kind of conflict in the middle - perhaps an argument that causes the two of you to assess what you are doing: eg 1. Argument causes boy to leave you to return home (he can come back if it helps) 2. You come across other runaways whose life style forces you to consider where this will lead eg prostitution 3. You are forcibly parted 4. You reveal a revelation eg pregnancy that turns the story into something different 5. The boy turns into a flesh eating zombie, from Mars Overcoming the conflict will give some purpose to the end of the story. Texts to consider: Waiting for Godot (possibly a bit wordy) Of Mice and Men Watership Down Zombie Flesh Eaters from Mars

                                  "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

                                  T Offline
                                  T Offline
                                  tufkap
                                  wrote on last edited by
                                  #28

                                  I am all for the flesh-eating zombie martians (or is it martian zombies?). ;)

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                                  • S soap brain

                                    That's what I've been trying to do! He's not quite so corruptible, though. ;)

                                    L Offline
                                    L Offline
                                    Lost User
                                    wrote on last edited by
                                    #29

                                    you don't know me then. i'm the reason why leckey stoped posting

                                    The Developer - CEH

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                                    • S soap brain

                                      That's what I've been trying to do! He's not quite so corruptible, though. ;)

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                                      F Offline
                                      ftw melvin
                                      wrote on last edited by
                                      #30

                                      It does feel like we've wandered into a 'domestic' *slowly backs away*

                                      "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

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                                      • T tufkap

                                        I am all for the flesh-eating zombie martians (or is it martian zombies?). ;)

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                                        F Offline
                                        ftw melvin
                                        wrote on last edited by
                                        #31

                                        Damn that's another Hollywood blockbuster I've let slip.

                                        "If you reward everyone, there will not be enough to go around, so you offer a reward to one in order to encourage everyone." Mei Yaochen in the 'Doing Battle' section of Sun Tzu's: Art of War. .

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                                        • L Lost User

                                          you don't know me then. i'm the reason why leckey stoped posting

                                          The Developer - CEH

                                          T Offline
                                          T Offline
                                          toxcct
                                          wrote on last edited by
                                          #32

                                          that explains a lot about you already. now please shut up and go play in the sand box...

                                          [VisualCalc][Binary Guide][CommDialogs] | [Forums Guidelines]

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