My wife - she knows everything...
E
egenis
@egenis
Posts
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Smartest Person Alive -
A wise woman...How do you know a woman is going say something clever? She starts her sentence with "My husband says..."
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No gun control!Bwhahaha!!
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The BikerA biker stops a young girl who's about to jump off a bridge. He asks her: Do you mind giving me the final kiss before you jump? She Quietly accepted and gave him one of the deepest most lingering kisses he had ever had. When she finished, He said: WOW, this is the best Kiss I've ever had. Why are you committing suicide? She Replied: My parents dont like me dressing up like a girl....
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The new BlacksmithThe village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay and for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The apprentice did just as he told. He is the village blacksmith now.
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Dear Mother-In-LawGuy had a very difficult mother-in-law, and she eventualty passed away. At her funeral they observed a thunderstorm in the distance with lots of thunder and lightning. Husband oserved to his wife "I see your mother arrived safely."
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Mali Islamists seize town amid French interventionThat is why a french tank has one gear forward and six reverse gears.
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Granpa's dead...On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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50 Sheds of GreyThe new book from a man's perspective was released yesterday. Here are a few extracts: She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to McDonalds. She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot. Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof." "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend. "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua ?" I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt. "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense." "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay. "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up. "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
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Fishy...You just need to maintain a psreadsheet with all your votes - and then when the voting system is back online you can just upload your votes! :)
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Bad one liner jokes...:laugh:
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Bad one liner jokes...You remind me of my pinky toe because sooner or later I know I'll bang you on a table. I've got this life changing appointment at the bank this afternoon. I'm so nervous I can hardly get the stocking over my head. Me and my recliner go way back. I can hear music coming out of the printer. I think the paper's jammin' again. What time do you go to a dentist? Tooth hurty Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? He couldn't control his pupils Have you heard of the new movie called "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet. Diarrhea is hereditory; it runs in your jeans. Wind turbines. I'm a huge fan. Ever had sex while camping? It's ****ing intents. A farmer had a wooden tractor, with wooden wheels and a wooden engine. And guess what... IT WOODEN GO! There's a new type of broom out. It's sweeping the nation What do you call a cow with no legs? Grounded beef What do you call cheese that isn't yours? NACHO CHEESE I'd hate to be a midget chef. The steaks are too high. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. Just got back from a very emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers. People think I'm weird because I swallowed an abacus. It's what's inside that counts. Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense. I see you have graph paper, you must be plotting something. Newton's third law of emotion: for every male action, there is a female overreaction! I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding is. He's going to be pissed when he finds out how much the divorce is going to cost. I have sexdaily. I mean dyslexia. ****! I swear medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like. My girlfriend left me because of my addiction to steroids. So I threw her car into a tree.
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Learning to FishThe wife and I were at home watching TV. I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel She became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel ! You already know how to fish!"
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Fishy...:-D Have a '5'!
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taxidermists... -
BJOTD: prepare to groan... -
Oh my god. I might be infectedThe doc's nipples got hard? He's doing it wrong then! :-\
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Global warming, etcYes - focus on the front sight and maintain a propper sight picture... Miss no more!
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True story...Were you beaten badly after saying that?
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The Question...Start wearing a trench coat!